I love this quote by Marilyn Monroe. It seems apt right now for me in my life. I hope better things will come now that some things in my life seem to be falling apart.
I’m worried about work again. I’m worried about my marriage. I’m worried about life in general for me. I keep letting things stay the same without instigating any change. I know that is not good to ignore the problems and not try to come up with any solutions.
I guess I’m taking life one oblivion at a time. If I’m oblivious to the problem, I don’t need a solution right? You know what…that’s totally false. I am not oblivious to the problems. I just choose not to deal with them.
I NEED to loose weight, but I don’t WANT to go through the pain. But the pain I go through daily because of my weight also needs to stop.
I ignore the problems that I feel in my marriage because I don’t want to hurt my husband. I want to feel again. I want to feel close to him again, but I don’t think he wants to be close to me. I feel him slipping away. Is it because he is no longer attracted to me? Am I not desirable anymore? That is another reason I must lose weight.
Then there is my work…always possibilities, but no clear path. Work is such a roller coaster that I try not to be reactionary, but with my dad still the boss, I have to follow, not lead. Being proactive with my dad is a waste of time. Even reactionary can be a waste. I just can only wait and then follow; however, my dad then bitches that he can’t rely on anyone but himself to run the company. PAIN!!!
I’m even this way with my bipolar disorder. I use to be more proactive. I use to keep a mood chart and see a therapist every week. Now I stuff my bipolar disorder under the rug and act like… “I’m fine. There is nothing wrong with me. If I ignore it, maybe it will go away.” The greatest lengths I take towards my bipolar disorder is routinely taking my meds. At least I think I’m stable enough now, but when I go back to writing, will that change?
I need to write again, but I’m blanking. I hate writer’s block.
Well, in reference to Marilyn’s quote, I obviously have the falling apart thing down pat. Now, if only I can see the things that will fall together. But wait….Is things really falling apart for me right now or am I really just stuck in limbo until I actually do decide to make a change in my life? Damn. Where should I start?