“The World Just Sucks”

Hello everyone.  It has been a long while since my last post. My sporadic writing is reminiscent of how I am. I jump into a project with high hopes of how it will directly affect my future, but when it doesn’t, I feel rejected and I feel like a failure. I long to be a professional writer, but I also can’t see myself being able to step away from the family business. Besides, I don’t think I’m very good at either of those jobs.

I feel like such a failure. Yes, that is how I feel. Don’t worry. I’m bipolar, so that thought will change eventually. I’m just going through that period of mood fluctuations where the scale now tells me, “There is no such thing as gravity. The world just sucks.”

As you can tell, I’m depressed. Work is a battle, some family relationships are a struggle, but mostly my sleep, or lack thereof, is leaving me drained. This month I was put on the CPAP machine to help me with my sleep apnea. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it is a machine that forces air through your nose while you sleep so you no longer experience the air obstruction you had previously. Well, in any case, it is something like that. I just can’t get use to it and my sleep is disrupted more than ever before. I’m hoping I just need more time to get use to it, but I need to sleep.

I’m so tired ALL the time now.

The question is though: Is it the CPAP causing my sleepless nights or is it depression creeping in and taking over?

How do I figure that one out? If it’s both…then what?

Please comment. I like to know that people really are reading this.

‘Tis the Season

Lately, I haven’t published a new post because of the holiday season approaching. December was the month I had my first manic/psychotic episode, so I have had to limit some of my triggers. Unfortunately, writing happens to be one of them. So, I will also have to keep this short. I shouldn’t be writing even now, but the pen and paper in front of me begs for words. (Yes, I’m old fashion. I write it out, then type it, then post it.)

As Christmas approaches, I can feel my bipolar disorder growing stronger. It really became close last Thursday night when a family emergency forced me to wake up from a Seroquel induced sleep at midnight. Friday, I was high strung and wired. By bedtime that night, I was hyper, but Seroquel did manage to knock me out, thank God. Saturday, my emotions felt raw and I was coming down from the hyperness of Friday. I was very sensitive and allowed my feelings to be hurt easily during Christmas with the in-laws. Yesterday, I was go, go, go because of shopping for last minute Christmas presents and decorations. Plus, I have been and need to continue cleaning my large house because 30 of my family members are coming on Christmas Eve. I even burst into tears yesterday when I heard that Brittany Murphy passed away.

Now, I’m at work with a ton of things to do, but instead I’m writing to you , so that is why this will be short.

Christmas is my favorite holiday, so mania can slip by easily. I pray I’ll get through the season without a visit to the hospital.

Best Wishes to all and Happy Holidays!

The Vicious Cycle

For those that try to deny the influence of bipolar disorder in their lives, they curse the day they learned they had it, which I now find funny because being told you have a disorder does not magically give you the disorder at that moment. However, I somewhat felt the same way about my first psychotic episode until I decided to stop running from my bipolar disorder and face it head on.

When I was diagnosed in 1999, I was so happy to learn I could come out of a psychotic episode and be “normal” again. However, I felt like all I needed was medicine to keep those demons at bay and I was determined not to let them interfere with me graduating from college. I even taught for three years without too many problems, but now I realize that all through my life I never took the time to define my disorder so it did rule and dictate many of my actions and decisions for years. Bipolar disorder is a contributing factor, but I cannot blame it for any of those actions or decisions I made in my life.

Nowadays, I like to try to separate myself from my disorder, not ignore its existence. I visualize it to be like another person, a dual persona if you will. Dual may like to think she’s in charge at times, but I always have some type of control. However, when I am suffering from extreme psychotic mania, the lines become blurred, but that’s another story.

Dual is always present. Sometimes she’s the friend I rely on to give me a backbone. Other times, she’s the party pooper telling me to give up. She influences my moods and energy levels, but I still gauge and allow how much pull she has on my reigns. So, can I blame Dual (bipolar disorder) on my actions? No, I need to take responsibility for myself. Being diagnosed, accepting treatment, and becoming aware of bipolar disorder is so important in having a less difficult life.

Here’s a life scenario of someone I know who has bipolar disorder.

Imagine a little girl about seven years old who watches as her parents go through a very nasty divorce with violence and police at every turn. Her mother is with a strange man, who scares your older sister, but you are too young to understand why yet, but you learn quickly. Your father, at first fights for custody, but after your mother is awarded custody, you never see him. Alcohol, violence, and your mother’s mood swings continue in your new house or apartment or wherever you happen to be living at the time.

You grow up angry and you constantly disobey anyone with authority. You no longer trust anyone. You learn from your mother and siblings how to manipulate to get what you want. You’re told and shown that books are not the means to get ahead in life, besides you never really learned how to read or write well anyway. School was a joke, you were always moved around even in school, and your anger kept you from settling down to even try to concentrate.

At twelve, your parents are now fighting for who wants you not wanting to be the one this time. You lack love and attention from parents and siblings because they have their own problems. Drugs become present from multiple sources. The drugs allow you to lose the anger enough to relax and not care. They even help keep your demons at bay.

At thirteen, sex helps alleviate the pain of being alone for short brief periods because the guys love you right? Still during all this time, you are tossed between mother and father.

At fifteen, your mother and you are diagnosed as bipolar. Now your behavior disorder at school has a name and the medicine allows you to pick up a book, but why bother now? You’re still in the behavioral disruptive courses that never go anywhere.

At eighteen, you’re homeless and your mother passes away because of liver failure. You refuse to go to your father because you know he and his girlfriend don’t want you. You can’t afford medicine and you don’t care because they never seemed to work well when you were on them.

Then someone you think is your knight and shining armor gets you off the streets, but after a while he starts to beat you when you’re pregnant. You love him, but his drinking makes him that way and he’s your baby’s father. He’s not working because of the economy, and you can’t work because you have no education or practical skills. You’ve never had a job because your mother taught you to live in the parameters of the welfare system as you were growing up.  You again have no choice to rely on the system because no one will help you and you’re soon to have two babies to depend on you.

If this really was your life, who or what would you blame? However, that is the problem. There is so much blame in her life and inability to trust those that do help that she is still left with an abusive boyfriend and two little children. I wish I could help her more than I have already tried to these many years, but she bites the hand that feeds. I wish she can get better help because she and her children will just start the vicious cycle all over again.

Personality Check

While spending my day at work waiting for the printer to spit out copies, I kept thinking about other qualities I have. My therapist also floored me when she said I had a Type “A” personality.

 What? I’ve always thought I was a type “B.” Did my last manic episode change me that much? I can’t be “A” because I let people boss me around and I’m messy because I loathe cleaning. How does that make me type “A”?

 Then I looked deeper into my “normal” lifestyle and looked up type “A” personality again to refresh my memory.

            1. I can’t stand not having something to do.

            2. I like to organize, which is why it takes me about 3 days to clean my house when I do. Hmm.

            3. I love working on projects.

            4. I work until I’m finished or at a good stopping point.

            5. It literally drives me crazy not know what time it is.

            6. I like to schedule out my day to prevent being bored.

            7. Can’t stand watching TV without crocheting or tired enough to nap.

            8. I’m impatient. I detest waiting for some things.

            9. “Short fuse”…um okay. That’s totally me and it is worse without my lithium.

            10. “Overly sensitive”…wait. That’s type “A”? I thought I was that way because of being bipolar.

 Hmmm. You learn something new every day. So, where does my personality stop, and where does my mania begin?

 Now that is a nightly question for me when I fill out my mood chart. Because of my personality, I can mask mania easily until it becomes so severe I am already at the point of psychosis. Sometimes, I’m able to feel the build up because of my strong intuition, but I didn’t follow through with my mood chart for a whole year before my last break. Now, I stave off mania and depression by paying close attention to my moods and personality.

 Anyone with a mood disorder should fill out some sort of mood chart. It may save your life.

I’m Not Just About That

Something my therapist continually tells me was proven for me today….I’m a perfectionist. I never believed her until I literally saw it with my own eyes.

Today, I started my very first art class. I decided to try my hand at drawing, something I never do because I believe that I am terrible at it. Come to think of it, I hate doing things I believe I am bad at. Hmmm….

As the class progressed, there I was trying to sketch an assortment of flowers in a vase with two stone birds arranged beside it. I thought I was doing a terrible job, but those in the class thought it was good. The instructor commented that I was a detailer. I was surprised by the complements and then it dawned on me. What I saw in the drawing was not the same as what others saw.

When I changed my perspective to looking at a drawing from a beginner, I was impressed by how “almost” realistic it was. Of course, there were some problems with it, but that just means I have room to grow.

Now, I’m so excited about the class. I want to run to the store and get the supplies I need and knowing me more than just that.

So, I’ve realized I need to work on not expecting perfection, but I will always work towards it.

Lately, I’ve been busy working, spending time with friends and family, and just relaxing with a good book. I haven’t been writing for this blog (sorry), working on my nonfiction book, or organizing a workbook idea I have. I keep thinking I just don’t have the inspiration, but that is not true. I’ve forgotten that this blog is for writing for writing’s sake. I need to free write more and not always wrap this blog around with bipolar disorder or that is all you will define me as. This blog’s purpose might be centered on making people more aware about bipolar disorder, but it doesn’t have to be just about that. I’m not just about that and this should be more about me. So this post is about perfection and the fact that I don’t always have to be perfect.

 

Revealing Secrets

Revealing a secret you’ve held from most people for most of your life is not easy. I thought that I needed to make it my mission to tell those around me I am bipolar because I really want to do my part in lifting this overwhelming stigma, but am I going about it the right way?

In my previous blog “One Step at a Time,” I told you how I planned to finally divulge my secret to the Lion’s Club. Well, days before I started having nightmares about turning into an alien, a monster, and even a serial killer, which left me feeling uneasy and apprehensive when it finally came down to the day. I almost called it off or just opted not to tell, but when only five other ladies arrived instead of the twelve I was expecting, I relaxed a little.

I presented the BringChange2Mind.org website to the ladies and then told them that I was bipolar. Unfortunately, I became nervous and had to stop to take a deep breath. The ladies took it all in stride and we all started talking about the commercial and mood disorders in general. We all agreed that the stigma is a major problem which might be alleviated if we talked about it more. I introduced NAMI to the ladies and then told them all about the treatment center for children and adolescents with mental illness.

We piled into a van and headed to the center, where we went on a tour of the facilities. The ladies were surprised with all the services available to the public. Even most if not all of them were outraged to learn that obviously needed programs were being cut because the government was pulling its funding. We talked a lot about mental health programs and the various levels of funding that is needed to operate such a wonderful center.

When we returned to our original meeting place, the ladies were thankful that we did and learned something different for a change. They even bragged to their husbands about having a good time.

The nightmares stopped afterwards when I realized that I was afraid and nervous that whole time before it was my first revelation. I was worried that I was going to be alienated from the rest of them, which wasn’t the case at all. I hope it won’t be awkward when I see them again.

I guess only time will tell if this will have a positive or negative effect on my life and/or the stigma in general.

Are there any instances in your life that telling people about your mood disorder has made a positive or negative impact on your life?

My Teeter Totter Times

When I think of my childhood, I can’t help but see dualities galore; hence, the title of this blog. I am a fraternal twin. My twin and I are like night and day in some ways. I am right handed; she is left handed. I have fine hair; she has thick hair. She was also the more dominant twin. I preferred to follow the leader.

When my younger sister by a year and a half was born, she joined our fray and we became the triplets, but I still remained the sister who felt like she had no identity and preferred then to be invisible. I was always heavier because my emotional eating started even then. You see, when school began and I was separated from my twin and younger sister, I felt like something inside me was lost. When my sisters proved to be above average intelligence in school, I still couldn’t pick up a book to read. I couldn’t understand why I was different. In third grade, a teacher I loathed back then realized I had a learning disability and I needed special classes to catch up with my peers. (Now, I owe her a debt of gratitude.)

Great!  I’m not only a freak because I’m a twin and fat. Let’s add stupid and special on top of that. Of course, my sisters used my insecurities as ammunition when they wanted me to cry, and I would do the same to them with theirs.

One bad thing about the three of us girls was that two of us would gang up on the third all of the time. It was like a tag team match that would alternate over and over again. The fighting could get really bad at times.

In fifth grade, the verbal harassment on my weight from other kids started. The daily nickname “Buffalo” was not a name that inspired a girl to feel good about herself. So, depression set in and I isolated myself from my peers. Fortunately, my ability to read greatly improved during that time. I surprised the teachers with my ability to outdo even the honor readers in comprehension at the end of the year test for fifth grade, which moved me up the ranks ever since.

I didn’t leave my insecurities about being different until well into high school. To prove I wasn’t stupid anymore, I read books like a fiend and competed with my sisters for top grades, even though our younger sister received straight A’s regularly. However, another duality between my twin and I appeared. She was better at science and mathematics, while I was better at writing and interpreting literature. We would help each other, so we both excelled in all areas.

To prove I no longer needed to feel isolated for being a twin, I had gained a strong circle of friends in junior high and began to not care what those outside of the group thought, but for years I still was not having any luck with meeting guys because I was still heavier than most girls my age. So at the beginning of my junior year of high school, my sisters and I went to a weight loss specialist and were put on Fen-Phen, an appetite suppressant.

Fen-Phen was definitely a miracle all right. I lost forty pounds in six weeks and my sisters lost thirty-five. We were eating less than our recommended 1,000 calorie diet and I was going regularly to twenty-one and under night clubs with my circle of friends on the weekends. Looking back, I would say my behavior teeter tottered on mania during that time. When Fen-Phen was starting to get bad publicity and women were having heart problems, we stopped taking it. Soon after stopping, I was in the hospital with an acute gall stone attack. Depression started to take its course after my surgery that removed my gall bladder.

My twin sister also had gall bladder problems during that time that appeared in the beginning as just stomach flu. My younger sister also started having stomach and back pain, but the tests came back negative for her. The doctors diagnosed her with clinical depression at fifteen. My twin had surgery a month after mine, but my younger sister wallowed in pain for months refusing to eat. She was slowly starving herself to death.

Finally, my father refused to believe her pain was just “all in her head” and forced the doctors to send a scope down to her gall bladder because he was sure she had the same thing we had. He was right. Her gall bladder was full of sharp crystals and it was severely inflamed. However, my younger sister really was depressed too and started ten years of trying anti-depressant after anti-depressant. Finally, she earned the title “treatment resistant” when most anti-depressants were used on her and she did not respond to a new study using magnets.

Two years after my younger sister’s diagnosis, I ended up in the hospital with my first psychotic episode and my new diagnosis of Bipolar 1 disorder, but my younger sister still was just depressed. Yeah right!

This year she was finally diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder.  Don’t get me started on her story. I can go for hours, but it is not my story to tell either. I respect my younger sister’s privacy.

Weight continues to be a major problem even today. My past experience with dieting does not endear me to try what is out there now, even for just calorie counting. I know my medication causes me to gain weight, but I’m use to being fat. Years ago, my old therapist told me that dieting wouldn’t work for me because I wasn’t scared enough. I’m still waiting to be scared.

Our Voices Will BringChange2Mind.org

“One in six adults has a mental illness”—Glenn Close

“And we face a stigma that can be as painful as the disease itself”—Jessie Close, sister

“Change a mind about mental illness and you can change a life”—Glenn Close

The new BringChange2Mind.org commercial directed by Ron Howard promoting people to stop keeping their secret and lend a voice and helping hand to other people with a mental disorder touched a lot of lives Wednesday as the new campaign was launched nationwide. The site and commercial were amazing. Testimonials of real people talking about their experience with their disorder were very heartfelt. I couldn’t help but feel a large and deep amount of pride and empathy for those in the commercial and on the site. Very touching. Very powerful. Very inspirational. The site also allows people to tell their own story and links everyone to important sites that will get people the help they need.

To promote people to go to BringChange2Mind.org, founder Glenn Close and Jessie Close appeared on Good Morning America, The View, and Dr. Nancy on October 21, 2009. They both did a wonderful job of speaking out against the powerful stigma of mental illness.

The Close sisters’ major message to all of us is that “you are not your illness. You can get help. You should get help. You don’t need to be embarrassed”….”Get treated. Your symptoms are treatable and you can have a full and productive life. You have to get the right meds, the right balance, and it is possible”….”And be willing to live with some side effects.”

Jessie added the side effect comment at the end of the View segment, but explained in Good Morning America that she was thin most of her life, but the medication she has been on for the last ten years to treat her bipolar disorder has caused her to gain weight. I know I have that very same problem.

Learning more about Jessie’s life with bipolar disorder proved to me how easy it is for people to go through life tortured by the duality of bipolar disorder without ever knowing that they have it. In Good Morning America, Jessie and Glenn explained that Jessie might have started showing signs since infancy, but it really became apparent as they look back when she was a teenager. However, their family never recognized the signs because that wasn’t part of their vocabulary while growing up.

“You hardly went to a psychiatrist; it’s just not done,” Glenn Close explained about the time period she was growing up in and how mental illness was treated.

How many families out there have the same problem? I know mine sure do.

It took Jessie until the age of forty-seven to be diagnosed properly. She learned about her problems with bipolar disorder when her own son was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (roughly schizophrenia with bipolar disorder).

I know from many people I’ve met that thirty years without a proper diagnosis is not uncommon in the “Baby Boomer” Generation and even the mid to late ages of Generation “X.” Why? Because people didn’t and wouldn’t talk about it, so some people really didn’t know! It was shameful to get help, see a “shrink,” and be treated and labeled as “crazy” or “freakish.” That is what we have to change now.

Bring Chang2Mind.org will help change the power of Stigma world wide as long as we give them the power and the voices to do so. Show your support now!

Launch of BringChange2Mind.org

I saw this and I had to share it with everyone. Very Cool!

One Step at a Time

I believe in fighting against this terrible Stigma. I have let it dictate how I should live my life way too much. I became and quit being a high school English teacher because of my fear of the Stigma. I still wonder how the Stigma is affecting my life now. I will do what I can to help eliminate the stigma one step at a time. I see so much need in my own backyard that I will do what I can to strengthen the organizations around me. I just became a member of NAMI, but I have more experience with a different organization out there.

However, I have a secret. Yes, I know. I’m a bigot because of it. If you read my first blog “Don’t Make Me Go Bipolar on Your Ass,” you would see that I believe we should tell others about our bipolar disorder so we can help eliminate the Stigma surrounding it. Well, I’m sure one to talk. I want to.  I plan to. But so far, when I open my mouth…I shut it immediately. Fortunately, I have a plan to change that.

Since I met my husband four years ago, I have become a part of a great service organization that works to help communities with any need they may have, the Lion’s Club.  Well, in each individual community they are supposed to be general. They can help the community at large in anything they deem as a need for their community. However, in the district, state, and even the world, they concentrate on seriously helping the blind and deaf with a huge variety of services. This world-wide service organization became the “Knights of the Blind” for Helen Keller in 1927, but the club started in 1917. I am proud to say I became a member in February 2009.

But why couldn’t I tell these amazing, caring, compassionate people before that I’m bipolar?

Unfortunately, this organization does have its share of problems. It’s still “the good old boys club.” Don’t worry. Women are being sought out to join, but there is still some animosity in some clubs and we women really have to work to be heard. Another problem is that the majority of members are 55 and over. Here I am, 29, and I’m “playing” with my parent’s and grandparents’ generation.

That is my problem. Will the older generation accept me as an advocate not only for the Lion’s Club, but to join Lions and NAMI supporters together?

I have 3 strikes against me: female, young, and bipolar. Geez, I’m also opinionated! I’m in trouble.

I already get comments about being so young. It’s embarrassing.

“Gee, it’s nice you brought your daughter with you,” my husband and I have heard numerous times. My husband may be ten years older than me, but come on! Okay, okay. I can’t deny that I look more like 23 than 29, but still! They even know I’m his wife and they are just trying to make a joke thinking it is funny, but I’m sensitive to that kind of thing.

The reason I’ve decided to try and get my Lion’s club to get more involved in their local NAMI is because I think they would be an incredible force to reckon with to help us with our fight against the Stigma and their superior ability to raise funds. It would also increase the level of service NAMI can do for our community. One problem my local NAMI has is that its supporters will donate some money, but they are not willing to donate enough time to fundraisers to generate even more money for programs. However, my Lion’s Club is very strong and has superior skills in fundraising.

Before I walk into the next meeting and try to get support for my agenda, I plan to go about this monumental shift in view point, slowly and only one step at a time. My first step begins in a couple of weeks. I am introducing a small group of Lions and their spouses to NAMI and a NAMI supported treatment center for children and adolescents. Their reaction will help me judge whether I will have too many problems moving forward with making this alliance with the Lion’s Club and NAMI. Wish me luck!