Who Gives a Care!

I guess you can say I’ve given up on a lot of things lately. I don’t know what is wrong with me. My bipolar tendencies have turned to the realm of the undead I suppose. I’m not even close to being manic. Am I “normal”…oh sorry…”stable”? Maybe, but I doubt it. I’m not suicidal. Am I depressed? A level of it, yes, I think. I’m in the “I don’t care, but I know I should” state of existence. It is hard for me to get up in the morning, but when I do surface, I go with the motions. I can’t seem to consentrate on things to the degree I need to sometimes, so shit isn’t getting done.

My relationship with my husband…epitomy of “I don’t care, but I know I should” at this point. I haven’t felt close romantically to my husband in a while. (That’s an understatement.) I’m not cheating and he’s not cheating. That’s not the problem. We are best friends, but just not with the benefits anymore. I know I should miss that, but lately I’ve stopped caring in getting the status quo to change.

I also stopped seeing my therapist. She left the practice and I haven’t made the effort to find a new one. I just don’t care.

I can’t seem to read lately or even listen to audiobooks.

Writing?  Yeah, right! That creative canvas is utterly blank.

I’m realizing that I’ve needed to write all this down for a while. I never noticed before that I’m definitely depressed and I need to watch out for falling deeper into the “I just don’t care” realm to the next level. I don’t even know what that level is. What is worse than not caring anymore?

Yes, I’m bipolar, but depression is a side I don’t see very often. I’m the manic bipolar with psychotic tendencies. I fight depression usually and it kicks me quickly into mania then rapidly into psychosis. I guess I should worry more about getting “happy” then. Problem is…right now I feel… nothing.  I’m analyzing things and I just wish I didn’t feel a life with no hope.

My sister is encouraging me to start Weight Watchers. I need to do it. I know this. I’ve become the human blob. My problem is is that my mood doesn’t …yep you guessed it…care. I count points one minute, then give up the next. It’s my first week, so maybe I’ll use this blog more often again to journal about my experience with it. Would you like that? Or is it just a waste of time because nobody gives a shit about me.

 

How are You?

Sorry for not being on here for a while.  I could say that I have been busy, but that isn’t true really. I just never know whattoo say on here anymore. Well, sometimes I do but I justdon’t. I can’t really explain it.

As far as my moods have been, I have been doing well. Surprisingly, since I lost my therapist since she left the practice. I was surprised my family was glad to see her go. They didn’t like her because she was encouraging me to be my own person. They didn’t  like that too much. Plus they were worried she would talk me into getting a divorce.

Right now, everything is pretty much the same. Work is going well. I’m excited about Christmas and I’m splurging on presents because we had a good year. Unfortunately,many did not. I hope the government would make a decision in their policies. Even a bad decision would be better than none at all because we would be able to tathe new new policies, work with them, and then make our own decisions to move on. We need movement and growth, not inaction, fighting, and uncertainty.

Back to the Usual

I’m doing fine now. Thanks for those that care. Life is just a major downer lately, but I’m trying to look on the bright side of things. I’m working a lot. I’m reading a lot. I also would like to start writing again, but everyone around me is screaming “NO” about that, even my therapist. Damn. So, I’ll just read another book on my ColorNook like always. I love romance novels, which is probably my problem because those guys sure aren’t real.

 

Eternal Slumber

We had to put my beloved cat down today. She is now experiencing her eternal slumber. At this moment, I wish I could join her.

I love you. I miss you. I’ll always think of you when I start getting angry. You always tried to calm me when I became emotional. Now, you’re not here when I’m at my lowest. Thank you for eighteen wonderful years of helping me through all my highs and lows. Sweet Dreams.

Escape

I’ve finished reading another good book. I wish I could say that I finished “writing” another good book, but I never seem to finish what I’ve started. I’m all fired up when I start, then I just stop hoping to find a solution to the abyss I’ve stumbled into. My plot took a turn that led to too many possibilities…no focus. Go figure.

Recently, I was thinking of picking back up the novel I stopped writing. I mentioned it to my mom, but she actually looked scared. She responded that I shouldn’t because I always start writing when I’m depressed which leads me into a manic episode.  (—always? I think that’s extreme.)

I responded that the mood causes me to want to write not the writing causing the mood but I’m probably wrong. As I think about it, I see that right now I am pretty depressed…most definently on Friday. It is very situational for me right now, so it’s understandable. Here are some reasons why:

1. Learned that my cat of 18 years has cancer and she has a month before the vet wants to put her down.
2. My ankle pain is back.
3. We are having family issues at work (family owned).
4. My husband and I were on a 2 week vacation and still no sex.
5. One of my email accounts was hacked and sent a virus link to everyone in my address book.
6. Two computers at work crashed with that virus.
7. I’m sure there’s more, but I don’t want to think about it.

Ugh! I can’t win. I know my life could be worse, but I’m losing my sense of hope for the future that always bounced me back out of this depression.

If I get too deep, which I was pretty bad on Friday, my mood has a tendency to fight hard to put me into a manic episode.

Writing now has helped me realize something, my mood doesn’t feel as desolate as it did Friday. I read an entire novel since then and I really want to write. I think my mood has shifted into battle mode. Depression doesn’t set in too long with me before I feel anxiety and nervous energy taking its place. Next, I find that shimmer of hope, which seems to always be connected to my writing, and BAM…

Well, at least I’m aware of the situation. Should I avoid writing then or should I embrace it? My writing is always at its best when facing this type of pressure. Right now, I could use an escape from reality.

 

 

The Magic 8 Ball Says…

It’s 2:45 am and I can’t sleep well. I keep waking up and finally decided to just get up and face the depression. Yes, I know I’m really depressed now. I keep crying and sleep is so hard for me for the past few days. I feel this sense of dispair and I don’t want to do anything. Even this blog is hard for me to do because I feel like writing this all down is pointless. I’ve lost the following I once had…if you can even say that. I feel like no one gives a shit about me and many of you that even bother to read this are thinking, “Boy, I just wasted a good chunck of my life reading this crap! What a whinning fat bitch!” I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I just want to give up on everything in my life right now. Don’t worry. I probably won’t. This blog is like everything else in my life though. I start it in a manic frenzie hoping upon hope that it will be as great as anything I have ever done. That it will lead me to great things, but then it slows and I get discouraged and then I stop it completely. Hey, I guess I can chaulk it up to being bipolar….no that’s not fair, not all bipolar people are this way…right?

I’m in pain. Physical pain. Eleven years of dealing and now I learned from x-rays that there is nothing wrong with my ankles…they are normal. Eleven years ago, I was told that because I was born breeched, my legs and hips developed wrong and now all my weight settles on my ankles when I stand and walk. This came from a pediatrist who said he couldn’t help me because short of breaking my legs and repositioning them, there was nothing anyone could do. Of course that was eleven years ago and the pain persisted. A few years later, I went to an orthopedic surgeon. I complained about the ankle pain and also my new knee pain. He did an MRI on my knees and found arthritis in the knee caps, fine. Physical therapy for my knees…great, but ankle pain…no big deal to them. THANKS. More pain later. Well, a lot more pain later. General practitioner sends me to physical therapy for my knees and ankles…knees feel good…ankles STILL hurt! Then the x-rays of my ankles finally, but came out NORMAL?! WTF!!! I know x-rays don’t tell you much about ligaments and tendens, but no arthritis? no bone spurs? I busted out crying! I felt hopeless. I feel hopeless. This pain will never end and I’m reminded about what the doctor said eleven years ago and never again repeated by another doctor…short of breaking my legs, I will always have this pain. Hell fucking NO! I can’t stand this. I can barely walk. I hurt all the time now. Exercise? Yeah, you can forget that bull shit! I get charlie horses trying to pedal my recumbent bike and I never can find the time to swim. I’m very limited. Very limited. I see a pediatrist tomorrow morning…or I guess this morning. I hope he can help me, but like the black magic 8 ball says, “Outlook Not So Good.”

Well, wish me luck. Headed to Seattle, WA and Yellowstone next week for a two week vacation with my husband. I’m already in tears imagining how much pain I’m going to be in.  

Thank you to those that bother to read this. I wish you would comment. I feel so lonely on here now. I feel like a don’t have a friend in the world right now.

NUMB or maybe not

Avoidance… that’s me. Everything is still basically the same in the marriage and work departments. The real issues are ignored because there doesn’t seem to be an easy solution for anything.

Well, since my last post…I bought a new car, a 2011 Chevy Equinox…so excited about it. Love it! I even managed to crack the windshield already… damn it! I also went on vacation to Daytona Beach, Florida. Beautiful, lovely, wish you were with me and my sisters. No men went with us on the trip, so it was like a break from everything. I also turned 31 since May 1, so now I’m officially old. LOL, not even close.

Oh, status of my book…not even working on it.

Bipolar moods…pretty stable. I’ve avoided most of the stressors so my meds keep me pretty balanced. Actually, I don’t know if I’m balanced or just not feeling anything right now…happy? nope…. depressed? nope…. sad? nope… energized? nope   I’m pretty numb and a little anxious…where does that put me? HMMMMMM….

So how the heck are my bipolar peeps out there? I haven’t been keeping up with the blog scene…sorry. Just don’t feel like I have any divine wisdom to share or anything anyone will be interested in hearing. Working a lot and reading a lot and I discovered sudoku for the first time while in Florida. My younger sister introduced it to me so I’m still as obsessive as ever.

Well gotta go

Duals

Reality Check!

I’ve been avoiding writing this post because it is really bothering me, but I’m afraid to write it all down. So bare with me because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

 I saw my therapist on Monday. Yeah, I know it’s Sunday night right now, so that tells you I’ve been avoiding this that long. She smacked me around during our session with a big reality check that had me in tears later that night and major depression spinning me into this avoidance thing. She started by asking how our sessions were going in my opinion, a major question I hadn’t prepared for. She also wanted me to sight my goals for therapy. Okay…these questions shouldn’t have been so difficult, but I BLANKED! I couldn’t think of anything to say. So she proceeded by digging deep into my “not okay, uncomfortable, please avoid” territory in my psyche to point out to me what some of my goals should be.  

One of them should be to work on my marriage. DAH! Here’s a biggy that I should be like…”damn straight,” but instead I’m like, “it’s not so bad. We’re happy. We love each other. Everything’s fine.” Um, if that is the case why haven’t we had SEX in a long, long, long while. Oh, by the way, have I told you we don’t even sleep in the same bedroom? Oh, and have I bitched yet about how much my husband plays video games when he’s home? Right now, he’s playing and watching IronMan while I pour out my feelings to you instead of him. We are emotionally, physically, and mentally separated from each other. There is no passion, no signs of affection outside of air kisses….yes, AIR kisses! and the ocasional “I love you, babe.” UGHHHHHH!

My bipolar ass really wants to go bipolar on his ass and smack him around a bit. I want to yell and scream and pound on him and say “I’m right here you fucker! Why won’t you be here for me?! Why don’t I matter? Why do you always put work first and your service club first before ME?  You always say family first! Well, damn it, I’m your family so why am I not FIRST?

My therapist also said that I should hold off on having a baby until these problems are settled. Blow #2! Jeez, want to cut out my heart while your at it?

Oh, and then she brings up work and how my parents show favoritism towards my brother and drag me through the mud because I’m responsible and I’m “me.” I need to work on talking with them and accerting myself. I need to demand they treat me as a more valuable employee than my brother, who is never at work, but gets paid the same as me (sometimes more).

Okay, so I left my therapist’s room dazed, stunned, shocked, raw, and miserable. I hadn’t had time to processes all that she said. So, when I saw my husband and he saw that I was obviously depressed, he asked, “So how’d it go with your therapist?” My answer was….”YOU don’t want to know” and I walked away from him. On Tuesday, I told him about our therapy session and that we needed to wait to have a baby until we work on our marriage. That I will need him to be there for the kids and me and that his coming home from work and the Club completely exhausted and mentally, emotionally, and physically detached had to stop. His answer, “Well, when we have children. It will stop. It has to.”

Um okay, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE HERE FOR ME NOW SO WE CAN EVEN POSSIBLY HAVE CHILDREN YOU ASS! YOU KINDA NEED TO HAVE SEX FIRST! Of course that is what I was THINKING, I couldn’t say it out loud. I was left stunned into silence. So I’m left with the unspeakable answer “don’t fuck with the status quo.” Guys, don’t get me wrong. I know there is something about me that he probably wants me to fix. That I also need to change to get this marriage to work, but when I don’t have ANY IDEA what that is…it leaves me with no method to make him happy. I asked him if it’s my weight, he says no, but I’m really left with the only two reasons I know that I need to change: I need to be more attractive and I need to become Suzie Homemaker. I hate cleaning and cooking, so the house is chaotic and we eat out way too much. So I can work on those things, but I have a laundry list for him that I’ve mentioned to him before BUT HE WON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! UGHHH!

What do I do? I’ve thought of leaving but that’s just like the separate bedroom thing. It still won’t affect him. I teased him about it today. He said, “I’ll miss Lucy.” (Lucy is our cat!) He’ll just miss my nightly back massages (that don’t lead to anything) that I give him mostly every night before he goes to bed. I’m really getting sick of this shit. I’m 30 years old. I want, I crave sex because I’m at my sexual peak. He’s 40 and not interested in sex. I’m going CRAZY!!!

HELP ME!

Any Ideas for a Party?

Now that everything has quieted down at home. I feel really bored when I get home from work. Even though my birthday isn’t until June, I think I’m going to start planning for it. I will probably try to have a big party at home, so I can invite all my friends and family to come and have a great time. I’m thinking about a casino night or a murder mystery type of theme. Cool huh? Does anyone have any other ideas on what to do for my birthday?

However, this means I need to start organizing and cleaning my house so I don’t leave everything for the last minute. I hate cleaning. I really would like a nice dose of hypomania right now. Please? Is it too much to ask for?

Work is also busy still. Thank God, but I see the end of the rainbow and I don’t think a pot of gold is waiting on the other side. I think work will slow down again, eventually. Please wait until the winter though.

I don’t mention my brother on here much, mainly because if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone you shouldn’t say it at all. Well, I’m going to say this: he is a blah, blah, blah, blah! Got that? good. Just thought you should know. Well, gotta get back to work.

Let me know about the party ideas, okay?

Duals

Cloud Nine

I made it through the finish line! Whoo hoo! The convention I was in charge of putting together is now over and it turned out fabulously. People were telling me that it was the most fun they have had at a convention in years. I’m so proud of myself and of course my husband. Boy, was I emotional that whole day though. I was teary eyed every time someone complimented me on something. I guess I don’t take compliments well. But come on. If you had a man who was a very long time member of this particular service organization come up and tell you that your newsletter you work hard on was the best he has ever read and he stressed “ever” multiple times, you would get emotional too! I repeatedly received applause for my newsletter and when I was awarded a letter of commendation for all my hard work this year, I got a standing ovation! Yes, I was in tears even then!

Geez! I was on cloud nine for a long time. It was great. I love being a Lion. You get to help people in need and get credit for all the hard work you do.