My Rocky Path

light at end of tunnelLife is often times filled with the unexpected and sometimes it is filled with complacency. I just read a post from a friend and I felt my heart go out to her during her hard time of loneliness. I wish I could help her in some way, but how? I have no words of wisdom, but I do want her to know that I’m here for her if she needs someone. She doesn’t have to be alone.

Why does life have to be so complicated? Recently, another friend of mine from high school lost her father unexpectedly. His death reminded me that my father does not have long for this world. I dread the moment when he is no longer … I can’t even type the words. Tears are flowing just at the thought. My life and the life of my family revolves around my father. He created the company that we all work for and I fear that the company will go with him when…

I’m lucky to have my husband and the love and support of his family, but that could be taken away from me too. What would I do?

I’ve often heard people say things like…”Life doesn’t have a remote control, get up and change it yourself.” Well, how do you change a life that is dictated by everyone else around you? My father, my husband, my siblings…what would I do without them? Right now, I’m just living in complacency. Waiting for the shoe to drop, but not doing anything to prepare myself for that day. The day when I will have to make a choice…follow my dream or pick up the reigns my father left behind. Can I turn my back on my family? Can I be strong and change this path by following my dream now? I know I will have the support of my husband. He is the light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know if I can create that rocky path through the unknown just yet.

Most importantly, can I deal with the pain and emotional trauma my father’s death will put on me? Will my bipolar disorder envelop me once again and send me on an extreme psychotic episode or lead me to suicide? I can’t let myself be blindsided. I have to prepare myself as much as I can.  How? How the hell do I do that? Heaven help me!

It’s Dreadful.

Phew! So the tornado I predicted turned out to be just a little wind. I’m glad one of the events I was worried about is over, but now I have to worry about the next event this weekend and get my house ready for it. I HATE CLEANING! Why do I detest it so much. I have friends that are neat freaks that clean everyday. I freak out when I have to clean…and i mean deep clean…once a month. I know I’m bad and you probably think I’m a pig. :P

I just hate cleaning. If I had enough money, I’d hire a service, but money is an issue for me right now. So…

I have to do it. My sister is going to help me though, so I’m happy about that. Well, gotta go. Thanks for listening.

Duals

When the Dust Stirs…

Rip Van Winkle BridgeSo the dust is beginning to settle around me, but I’m expecting a tornado soon to following. It’s the calm before the storm in my world right now.  Husband’s gone for another business trip and I’m waiting for all this activity to happen.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t get to finish my novel satisfactorily before a writer’s convention I am going to at the end of April. However, it is my first convention and I want to learn as much as I can and not worry about pitching my book yet. I have nothing to offer an agent or editor yet. I just have my soul poured on the pages of a novel that no one has read to the end except me. I want my baby to be as perfect as I can make it before I pitch. And I want to enter some contests too to get my name out there more before I try to publish my first novel.

Unfortunately, everyone is telling me “finish it all ready!”

No! I’m going to take my dear sweet ass time about it. Don’t rush me.

I’d rather have them reject the best I can produce than have agents and editors reject my novel when I know it is not the best.

Sometimes I wonder if I should open up my blog. Let people know who I am. Then no one response to this anyway, so why bother.

I’m thinking back to my last post and wonder why I’m different. I take my meds that actually do work and I try to stay away from too much stress, but the stress is about to hit me hard very soon. I can feel the dust start to stir as I type.

The future is going to be a lot of FUN…I can feel it. I just hope I don’t end up in the hospital again. If I do, these blogs might get more exciting. Here we go…

Heritable bipolar phenotypes pinned down

mydualities:

Wow! Very Interesting article about bipolar disorder and heritable traits.

Originally posted on Manic Muses:

(I don’t usually quote an entire article, but this subject is near and dear to my heart….)

Heritable bipolar phenotypes pinned down

Published on February 14, 2014 at 5:12 PM

By Eleanor McDermid, Senior medwireNews Reporter

A large study has pinpointed brain and behavioural traits that are genetically influenced and associated with bipolar I disorder.

Carrie Bearden (University of California, Los Angeles, USA) and team examined 169 behavioural, neurocognitive and neuroimaging traits in 181 patients with bipolar I disorder and their close relatives – 738 people in total.

They found that three-quarters of these traits were heritable, 31% were significantly associated with bipolar disorder and 24% were both heritable and associated with bipolar disorder.

Traits in this last group “are the most promising phenotypes for identifying loci contributing to disease risk, as shown for other neuropsychiatric disorders,” write the researchers in JAMA Psychiatry.

They add: “Some phenotypes in this…

View original 323 more words

Looking for Some Help

Write psychoticAs I work on my novel, I think back to a lot of what happened to me with my bipolar disorder psychotic episodes. I realize that I wasn’t like many bipolar people then and now. I wonder why. I’m writing the first section of my book like a memoir and those that are reading it are surprised by her psychotic tendencies and say that that isn’t bipolar disorder, that is something else. That surprised me.

Why?

I opened up about my bipolar disorder to my Writer’s group, but I realize that I am not portraying a wide variety of those that are bipolar in my book. I’m centered only on my reactions and my experiences. My group and many people who get to know me tell me that I “don’t act bipolar.” What do they mean by that? How am I suppose to act? That irritates me. How would they know?

Do bipolar people have such a bad reputation that people expect us to be flying off our seats or crying in the corner ALL the time?

Fuck that!

One thing that my first psychiatrist told me is that I am unusual because I have a very high IQ for empathy. I ignored what he meant by that, but now I’m wondering. How does that make me different? Am I different? Or just damn lucky I found the right medicine cocktail right off the bat.

However, I’m worried. I have never had my kidneys tested, I think. My sister who is also bipolar just did and her kidney functions are low. It could be caused from the lithium, but it mostly is the fact that she has been popping anti-inflammatory like they were candy. But still, I’ve been on lithium ten years longer than she has. What if….

I don’t want to even think about it right now. Scary Thought!

So, I would love to hear from others if you can identify from my post how I am different. I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m not dramatic enough at times, but too extreme other times.

Looking for some help in understanding.

Thanks, Duals

 

Getting Out from Under

Cat hanging in thereHello Everyone,

A new year should mean resolutions. Well, I don’t believe in resolutions. You should always strive to be a better person all year round, not just at the beginning of the year.

I’m so irritated though with work and that service club I am in, but I won’t get into that.

On my spare time, I’ve been writing a Romantic Thriller. I’m so absorbed into that world that I’d rather not live in my own right now. I started a Writer’s Circle lately that is going really well. Great people and advise is making the second draft practically write itself. :) Okay, I’m exaggerating.

Because of some of the responses I get from those in my Writer’s Circle on my critiques of their work, I’m thinking of taking some courses and getting certified to be a freelance editor. I know. Those in the business are reading this blog and thinking…too many editorial no-nos already in just this post. I know. But this is just a conversational blog. I didn’t write this thinking I had to put on a formal writing facade. So…don’t judge this as to how I often write.

Does anyone have any pointers or horror stories to share about the business. I know what it is like to run your own company, so I’m not worried about that side of the business.

I want to get out from under my parents and do something for me.

Well, I’m sure this is just a one way conversation with myself anyway. I’m not on here like I use to be. I guess blogging didn’t work out for me the way I thought it would.

Duals

Spastic Celebration

pregnant-woman-silhouette-cartoonLast month was nerve wracking for me. My husband and I were intimate, but then my period did not arrive for its regularly scheduled program. I freaked! I do want a baby soon, but my psychiatrist jumped ship and I had no one to help me with this predicament. I’m on lithium and Abilify and Ropinerole which are all three not a good idea to be on when pregnant. However, three weeks later during Thanksgiving day celebrations, I get my period. OMG was it painful! The relief and the disappointment threw me into a spastic celebration of tears and laughter. Man, talk about being bipolar. I went through the whole spectrum in like ten minutes.

Now, I have to work on getting a new psychiatrist and therapist. I need to develop a plan for next time this situation arises. I realized I really do want to have a baby, but I am so scared of all the things that come with it. I hope I can find a good support team. I’m sick of just finding a doctor that is “good enough” instead of one I really like. :(

Well thanks for letting me veg about my dilemma. Now, if only work could be less of a roller coaster too. :(

Duals