So, I’m all alone today. My husband is away for work. I’m sitting in my office wondering what to do with myself and decided to update everyone. So, anything new? Not with me. I have nothing to report. No change, really. My moods aren’t as gloomy as the other day’s post, but I really didn’t want to get more depressed than that. That’s something positive about my bipolar disorder. I just get almost suicidal before I spike up to manic or psychotic. Whoo hoo! This time though I just kinda leveled off to a depressed negativity instead of manic or suicidal. I doubt my situation of health and wealth will allow me to get happy. Life sucks, and then you die is exactly how life seems to be like in this world of hell.
I finished my first draft of my novel and now I’m tearing it apart and adding scenes too. I love this stage of the process! I love writing. I love the idea of being a writer. I hope I can publish my book when it is all finished. I’ve been reading a lot about how to publish. I need exposure though. Does anyone have any idea how I can do that? New writers don’t have it easy to get into the lime light. Oh, well. I guess I can worry about that later. I need to focus on my book right now. I kinda want to share it with you, but you don’t want to hear it. LOL! You’ll get a chance to read it when I’m finished. Are you excited? I know I am.
Actually, I’ve been pretty depressed lately. So sad! I sleep a lot, which makes getting my novel done really hard. I just want to curl up in bed right now, but I can’t. I have an important meeting to go to in 45 min., so I’m wasting my time on here.
I don’t know how to attract more readers to this blog anymore. I guess I need my manic energy back from 2009 to get readers to read about my bull shit life. Life really is a bunch of bull shit. Isn’t it? My favorite saying right now is: “Life Sucks, then you die.” So true. So true.
I need to find a new job, but what the hell can a bipolar fat freak like me do? How easy is it to get a job as a freelance copy editor? That’s what I’d love, but don’t know how to get started with that.
I’ve learned that I don’t have a choice in sitting on my fat ass anymore. I have to lose weight. Diabetes and GERD (WTF) is creeping up on me. Fun! I hate life. I think I’ve been eating my way to try to explode. A slow suicide of eating too much instead of starving myself. Does that make any sense? I probably shouldn’t publish this blog post, but who cares? No one but a very small amount will read it (Thank you for those that do.)
I still have half an hour. Do I keep writing or try to work on my novel? I should stop. You don’t care. I don’t care. I guess that’s it. TTYL maybe…
I started this blog four years ago! Yep, it’s been four years. Four years since my last psychotic episode that landed me in the hospital. Four years since in a manic frenzy I started this blog hoping to make a difference. Four years since my husband was truly educated as to what it would be like if I ever had another psychotic episode.
I wanted to centralize this blog on what it is like to be bipolar. I don’t know if I managed that. At times, I guess I do, but other times, I just mumble about what my life has been like at the time. A part of me thinks that that is my point. I’m what society would dub a normal mid-westerner, who happens to be bipolar. I think. LOL! My bipolar disorder has been (for the most part) under control since I went psychotic four years ago.
WTF! Who am I kidding! I’ve had my highs and my lows, but nothing too dramatic. I’m on a lower dive right now because I’m worried about my sister, but I was pretty high last Friday when I finished writing my first draft of my novel.
But who cares? Really? No one really reaches out to me on here and I don’t reach out to others either. (Stephanie–you cool!)
I don’t know what is wrong with me!
I’m going to explode. LOL! Just joking. I liked the picture and thought it represented my mood today.
Right now, I have mixed emotions. My sister’s cat has cancer. My sister found out today. She is very depressed so I’m with her now. All she wants to do is sleep though. Both of us are bipolar, so I’m worried about her. She is not doing well even before this news because her other cat also passed away two months ago.
However, I feel guilty that I am bursting with happiness over the fact that I finished the first draft of my novel!
I’m reading an excellent book about writing your first novel. Great tips! One of them is to write a blog….okay, I’m doing that but I’m not using it to my full advantage.
Help! Should I reveal on this blog who I am? My book is also about being bipolar, but I want people to read it without knowing that fact first. I don’t know what I should do.
Please tell me what you think.
I am writing like I’m on fire. I haven’t been able to turn off the writing except to sleep. I have a goal to write 1,000 words a day at least and for the past week and a half I’ve gone above and beyond. I now have 205 words written for my first draft of the novel I’m writing. This novel will be the first one that I have ever finished…if I finish it of course, but I see the end course and I’m positive I’m on the right track. I’m excited. This world is what I’ve always wanted to do since I was in third grade and had to write my first short story. LOL. It was titled The Princess and the Witch–original right.
That’s always been my problem though. Coming up with a title. Even this novel I’m working on has taken me so long to find a title and I’m still not sure about it. People might confuse the meaning. I wrote many drafts for the back cover of my book already. I so want to post it on here, but figured it might not be a good idea. I might jinx myself. LOL.
I decided to start my own writer’s circle. We meet for the first time next week. I’m excited. I already know that this circle will be awesome. There are nine members already and we all have a wide variety of talent when it comes to writing.
One thing I do wish is to communicate more with others on here. I miss receiving messages. I know it’s because I’m not on here very much and I’m sorry about that. I have been so absorbed in my writing lately. I started the novel in January, well this version of it. I really started writing about three other versions in 2007. It’s amazing how one version can be morphed into another and then another until you find the perfect genre to make both you and the reader happy.
For all you writers out there…Write On!
Today, I went to see my psychiatrist, but when I arrived and was waiting for my appointment another lady came in to see my doctor. She was about an hour late and my psych was running very late. I overheard that she needed to see him to get her meds changed and I felt guilty. Guilty that I was about to see him next and I was fine. I’ve been very stable for a while, so I went to the desk and said that the lady could take my appointment and I’d see my psych whenever he was available next.
Suddenly, I felt like the receptionist was going to throw daggers at me. Even though they both professed that it was so nice of me to suggest that, they didn’t think the doctor would allow it.
Ok. I don’t know the back story, but come on. Why wouldn’t he allow that? I don’t get it. I was just trying to be nice.
That’s why I’m a little peeved that they didn’t accept. I’m wondering if they thought I had some hidden agenda or maybe they thought I needed to see the psych more than this lady because I’m obviously crazy to do something like that. Jeez! I’m so sick and tired of this world stepping on those that just want to help. Why am I the sick one when I try to help others, but those that cheat, manipulate, hurt, and deceive are looked on as NORMAL?! WTF is up with that!
I started to go to a book club around my area. I was flabbergasted when one of the women said that when someone does her a favor she wonders what is their motivation. Why would they want to help her? What do they get out of the good deed because no one does anything from the bottom of their heart?
What!? Really? Is that how the world really is? Am I just some naïve Midwesterner who doesn’t understand the world around her? Do I need a big reality check to make me more “normal?”
When something so important in your life is about to end, it really hurts. I’ve had a hard time dealing with the fact that my family business is definitely going to close its doors now. Seeing my parents completely shut down and my brother in a huge state of denial…sucks. But it also is having a large affect on me. I’m having nightmares and I am having a hard time keeping myself from falling into a depression or even a mixed episode. There is so much to do. Nothing really to do either.
One good thing about this is that it’s fueling my ability to write again. I’m well on my way to finishing my first draft of my first novel. I know it will take work still to perfect it, but I guess I have all the time in the world to work on it very shortly. I first have to spend my days cleaning and packing and sorting through what is in our work building. Yippy more work that’s not work, but physically hard on me too.
I feel like my best friend is dying and there is nothing I can do but sit by his bed side until he draws his last breath. It hurts.
Well, I spent a few hours in my basement alone last night. There’s nothing like a tornado warning to scare the crap out of you. Don’t worry. I’m fine and no damage was done around me. I think the hype was worse than the bite around me. I hope everyone is doing okay. The tornadoes are very scary.
My worse thing was being alone. I hate it. My husband was on another business trip to Canada, so I and my cat spent hours in the basement. During that time, I distracted myself by painting. I’m going to try to post it let me know what you think. You can tell I was a little off kilter when I created it. It’s odd to say the least, but it was fun painting it.
What should I name this piece? Hmm…
Six years… Six years since I said “I do” to the love of my life. It feels like just yesterday and also like it must be longer than that. LOL! Our marriage is doing better again. We are more intimate again and we both see each other as our best friend in the world. When he is away for work, I miss him so much and am so happy when he returns.
Recently, I listened to the book Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. OMG! I hated it. It turned me into this bitter, jaded, negative, man-hating bitch. I was awful to people. I’d listen to it on my way to work and blow up on people for no reason for the rest of the day. I developed a pissed off mood from the moment I stepped out of my car. I don’t want to spoil the book for you, but there are many surprises. I, as a writer, found many of the surprises bull shit and over the top. As a reader, I found many of them unbelievable and unfortunately compelling as the story went on. I have a definite love/hate relationship for this book only because Gillian Flynn wrote a book that impacted me so deeply that I have never been able to say I could HATE a book so much that it made it actually a GOOD book.
Does that make any sense? Read it and let me know what you thought about it. I read it for a book club I’m in and now I have to figure out what to say about this book. I wonder what the other ladies will say about it.
One thing that I did realize from this book is that I’m lucky to have my loving husband and that even though it has been only six years today we were married. I will cherish him till the day that “death do us part.”
He will have to learn, I know,
that all men are not just,
all men are not true.
But teach him also that
for every scoundrel there is a hero;
that for every selfish Politician,
there is a dedicated leader…
Teach him for every enemy there is a friend,
Steer him away from envy,
if you can,
teach him the secret of…