Have You Found Your Soul Mate?


soul mates 2Qualities I have noticed that I possess and desire in others are ambition, perseverance, and thoughtfulness. I hold these qualities dear to my heart. Knowing what qualities you love in your own self is important when you are single and looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.

I know. I know. How do I know?

“The most difficult thing to explain in life is the simplest truth called love.”    –Ramanathan Srinivasan

 Of course, I don’t know! However, I still want to put in my two cents about it. I know I found the love of my life by searching for someone who truly fits those qualities without having him tell me he did.

  “Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.”   –Leo Buscaglia

Watch and observe, girls. Don’t list off a bunch of things you want and are prepared to do all you can to change in him if he doesn’t fit your mold. We are not sculptors of the human flesh and brain. Also remember that you are not perfect and neither is everyone else, so find someone to love you for you and show the decency of doing the same. People don’t change their core qualities. You don’t either. So learn your core before looking for someone else’s. Even Plato agrees that we need to look for the other half of our core.  

In Plato’s Symposium, Aristophanes states that when we were created by the gods, we were in the form of male, female, and androgynous spheres. We were happy, but strong and powerful in our complete forms. We decided to storm the heavens to mingle with the gods. The gods were angry and punished humans by separating us forming halves of the whole. From then on, humans have been searching for their other half, their soul mate.

So, how do you find your soul mate after you identify your own core? Some people believe that fate brings you together somehow, which I agree. However, you still have to be willing to use the tools fate hands you. What am I talking about? Well, let me tell you my story and then I think you will have a better understanding of what I’m trying to get at.

 At the end of my second year of teaching, a colleague and good friend of mine was filling out a profile on Match.com. She tried to get me to do the same, but I hesitated. I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with a dating service that was just like the bars but more constant. I had enough rejection in my life when it came to men that I didn’t need guys on the computer to reject me even faster. At twenty-four with only one boyfriend in my past, I believed I would remain the single spinster with a house full of cats and a part of me almost preferred that. Almost…

I watched my friend, and she cinched it when she showed me exactly how the site worked. She even did a search for me of my criteria and I was amazed at the results. For the first time in my life, I was able to be critical instead of just on display and desperate. I filled out my own profile and then let the games begin. Of course, I went through a bunch of duds and seemingly great guys rejected me, but it still didn’t take me long to spot him. After a month on Match.com, I came across his profile who wasn’t the most handsome man but he was a mechanical engineer. Yes, he was plain and ten years older than me, but I knew by his profile that he “said” he fulfilled my core requirements. Now, I had to discover if he really did and if he would reciprocate interest in me.

We chatted online for two weeks and then talked over the phone for two hours and we knew we both wanted to meet. Before him, I met one other guy that “said” he was my core, but wasn’t, so I was hesitant. Will he be a creep, a stalker-type, or abusive?

We met June 25, 2005 at a small country pizza pub. With one look, I thought, Crap. He looks disappointed. Oh, well. Let’s get this over with so I can go home.

By the end of four hours of talking at the pub and then at Culver’s for ice cream, I knew. With my root beer float stained shirt, I knew he was the man of my dreams. He was the man I wanted to marry. He was all I wanted in myself and in a life partner. He had my core qualities and he even had the qualities I wish I had. He was perfect and it shocked me he was still single. I just had to be myself to win him over too. He didn’t even care when I told him I was bipolar!

He proposed July 28, 2006 at his townhouse with his Christmas tree up and the ring in the tree with lights. He knew Christmas was my favorite holiday. So, he gave me Christmas in July. We were married June 2, 2007 in the church his parents and grandparents were married.

So, now it is your turn to pay attention to your core and wait for fate to give you the tools you need for love to find you. If you have found love, let others know by telling your story in the comments.

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14 thoughts on “Have You Found Your Soul Mate?

  1. Laura October 12, 2009 / 10:48 PM

    Thank you for writing this piece. I haven’t found love, but it hasn’t prevented me from looking.

    It’s great to read your musings!

    • mydualities October 13, 2009 / 10:33 AM

      I’m glad you liked this piece. Love is important in everyone’s life. Thank you so much for reading my blogs!

      • Pam October 20, 2009 / 10:36 AM

        LOL on the ring being in the Christmas tree! I would’ve loved him, too 😀

        The love of my life and best friend also played a trick with the engagement ring that I will never, ever forgot.

        He didn’t actually propose, per se, but this also took place at Christmas at his parents’ house. There was the HUGE box all wrapped up with my name on it (turns out it was a fender box from his car shop).

        Ripped off the paper, box was filled with all these !@#$% peanuts & crumpled up newspaper. Box was big enough, so I climbed into it. Found a nice outfit and other assorted goodies. Then I found the velvet ring box and it was…empty! So I thought the ring got lost in the box! Started a mad search for it and my love’s grandpa (who wasn’t in on the joke, poor guy) helped me by gently shaking out each piece of newspaper I tossed out.

        Then my future mom-in-law called us up to Christmas breakfast. I was practically in tears, but never stopped to think why no one else was upset (duh!).

        When I sat down at my place at the table, there was a clear plastic box on my plate containing a bridal garter and…………THE RING!

        Well, the whole room was ROTF, LMAO! Even me. The ring was only 1/4 carat, but it was absolutely perfect! I still wear it to this day.

        Our twisted, unique humor carried us through a lot of tough times in 30 years of marriage.

        God, I miss him! And it’s been six years. See, the last week of Sept. is really hard for me (if this is a repeat, my apologies): our wedding anniversary was 9/22, his birthday was 9/24 and he died 9/26. I think he was bound and determined to live long enough to get to our anniversary and his birthday…always special times. A very stubborn ‘of German heritage’ kind of guy.

        I now belong to a site called chemistry.com Haven’t had many responses because I’m so independent and men don’t like that in a woman for the most part. Tough. I had a damned good marriage and am grateful for that.

        I know you should never say never, but for now, I will NEVER remarry and NEVER live with someone or let someone live with me. It would just be nice to have someone to go out with one in a while. That’s all.

        My bipolar meds have ruined my sex drive anyway.

        I’ve always believed, though, don’t get married or involved just for sex as you better have a lot in common and be able to talk and enjoy other things, since there’s no guarantee your sex drive will last thru old age 😀

      • mydualities October 20, 2009 / 9:03 PM

        I loved your story about your Christmas present too. It was lol hilarious! 🙂 I’m so happy you had thirty years with the love of your life and all those wonderful memories…try to push back the bad. I understand about the sex drive too…I sometimes have problems with that too and we’re still new! Oops. Two years of marriage is nothing compared to yours, but I know our marriage is based on a firmer foundation than just sex and I am very thankful for it. Thanks for your stories. They are very interesting and I have to appologize for not writing much the last time. I really did burst into tears and my husband told me to walk away from my computer. Sorry.

        Don’t worry about finding male companionship. I’d say join the local Lion’s Club. 🙂 There’s usually single men and they’ll give you all the companionship you’ll need…age might be too old for you though. It depends where you are from. lol

  2. Pam October 17, 2009 / 2:46 PM

    I met my soulmate when we were only 17. At age 20, we married. The next 10 years were turbulent as we both struggled to grow up together. There was even unfaithfulness on both our parts. We both knew of it, but we both chose to never talk about it. We forgave one another and moved on.

    We could not seem to get pregnant, so we accepted that and began traveling to places like Jamaica and St. Maartin. We vacationed in Myrtle Beach, SC…had been going there since the mid ’70s and just loved it.

    At age 33, lo and behold, I got pregnant! All while my father lay dying in ICU from a closed head injury sustained in a drunk driving accident (unfortunately he was the drunk). I had to handle everything, as his family and my toxic sibling totally bailed. Then, when things went wrong, I was blamed. I finally had to do a DNR, in essence killing my own father. Then my toxic sibling tried to take what little estate he had left. I fought her and I won, as I’ve won every single battle with her my whole life. She always thought she could outsmart me, but never managed to. She is a very dangerous undiagnosed bipolar who is addicted to prescription drugs and crack cocaine. I had to get a restraining order against her and her fifth husband (she’s five years younger than me, too). Had to change my phone # to a private one. Suffice it to say she is out of my life for good.

    My husband and I were also building a new custom designed house. Major stress.

    I had started a new job in Jan. and had to quit in May due to the other stress. Managed to collect unemployment (for the first and only time in my entire life) for the six month max. They’d send me on interviews and employers would take one look at my tummy and that was it, hehe. Yet that still shows the discrimination against women out there.

    We moved into the new house Labor Day weekend of that year. I went into labor on Halloween, the exact same day we had signed the contracts to build the new house. I had only gained 14 pounds total (though I am a small woman) and I had kept asking the doc if everything was okay. He thought I was neurotic. I had dreams about my baby being born with problems.

    My husband (who would faint at the sight of blood, lol) chose not to be in the delivery room, but he heard the screaming. I was the only one in labor at the time. By now, it was 11/1, the wee hours. The ‘plug’ had broken but not the water. The pains were excruciating; I could actually feel the head bumping on my cervix.

    See, I had to have a surgery when I was only 25 that left my cervix badly scarred. The doc at the time stated that I could carry a baby okay, but would need a c-section, which I told THIS doc. He apparently didn’t listen. Typical.

    Then the baby went into severe fetal distress and an emergency c-section was ordered. The doc was freaking, but trying not to show it. The stupid labor nurse could not find the c-section implements. By then, my doc was literally jumping up and down with anger.

    Then I was wheeled into delivery and knocked out. When I came to, the first thing I asked (I should say whispered as my voice was gone due to the breathing tube) was ‘how is the baby?’ A nurse with a mask covering her lower face and the most sympathetic eyes I’ve ever seen stated that ‘the doctor will have to talk to you about the baby.’ I immediately thought my baby had died and the tears were out of control.

    After a bit, I was wheeled out of recovery, still knowing nothing about my baby. My husband was the first person I saw and with tears in his eyes, he told me our baby was very sick and she was born with Down syndrome. I was only 34, how could this be? I and the doc had decided not to do an amnio (sort of uncommon back then, more common now) since there was the risk of miscarriage and it had taken us nine years to get pregnant. But we were glad we didn’t as we never had to be forced into a possible abortion decision. The Lord took it out of our hands. All other tests were normal.

    Our 5 pound, full term, precious baby girl was in NICU for 10 days. There were many complications due to her rough birth.

    Due to a severe heart defect associated with Down syndrome, our beloved baby girl died just six years later.

    Events like this will either make or break a marriage. Well, it made ours. And when he died, I lost not only my husband and lover, but also my best friend in the whole world. Gotta stop now, I’m crying.

    Keep the faith.

    • mydualities October 17, 2009 / 4:27 PM

      I’m sorry! I’d comment more, but I’m in tears too.

  3. Pam October 17, 2009 / 7:34 PM

    What I wrote are probably the biggest adversities I’ve faced in my life; there were others. Maybe another time.

    Yet I still think of my beloved Gran. She had so much adversity, I don’t know how she kept walking! Examples: she lost two of her three children, both in separate accidents. She lost two husbands. She was a victim of child abuse (her mom was probably bipolar). She never graduated high school; she was put out to work at age 13. She survived the Depression. After her first husband died, leaving her with 3 small children during the Depression, she had to go to work yet again. And she worked for the rest of her life. Plus taking care of a large house and yard that she and her second husband bought. Housing my family in that house. Supporting my mom and me when Dad couldn’t afford to pay the child support. This was one strong woman! And luckily, not bipolar at all.

    Seems like whenever I attain peace and contentment in my life, I get blitzed again, always out of left field & always unexpected. I am so very grateful to have had 30 years of a damned good marriage. I am so very grateful to have had my daughter, who taught me a lot more than I ever taught her. I’m very grateful for my son that my husband and I adopted from the former USSR. He, too, has a syndrome (nobody’s ever heard of it, but it’s known as Kabuki syndrome and you can google it).

    This stuff sets off my bipolar every time, too. I think of bipolar as being in the middle of a seesaw, you know what I mean? Trying to keep both sides balanced with my feet.

    OK, enough or I’ll start crying again…we can cry together!

  4. Laura October 19, 2009 / 9:43 PM

    Pam,

    Thank you for sharing your amazing story. You are a strong woman.

  5. Pam October 21, 2009 / 8:45 AM

    LOL on the Lion’s Club 🙂 And I’m sorry I made you cry. Your husband was right to remove you from the computer 😀

    I’m not that strong, really. Just gotta keep going as you go THRU it, but you never, ever get OVER it. I hate people who tell me ‘get over it already’.

    My Gran is my role model for strength, tho I’ll never have her strength. My dad is also my role model for strength, as my mom (they were divorced) was killed by her drunk date (who walked away with a broken arm) in 1964, leaving my dad to raise two female children ALONE. Now this was not something a man did back then, but he did. And he had very little help, too. The first time I saw someone laid out in a funeral home was my mom; I was only 11.

    I always say I have my Master’s in Life and am working on my PhD, hehe. Y’know, if I hadn’t lived all this, I’d say it was b.s., but it’s all true. Every last word.

    Right now, yet another stressor in my life (my son has two medical issues going on) is the fact that my live-in (for over 5 years) boyfriend and I are splitting up (this will take until February for reasons too long to go into here).

    I do not hate this man. He’s been a great ‘stepfather’ figure for my son. And companionship for me. We simply no longer get along and I’m grateful we didn’t marry…no legal complications. See, he moved in with me and the house is in MY name only now. He could’ve had half my house, half my investments, retirement account, etc.

    Yes, Virginia, there is a God and His name (about this issue, anyway) is Social Security, who has a rule that if a widow marries before age 60, she/he loses all claim on her deceased one’s Social Security as a death benefit. My late husband was the major breadwinner, as I held lesser paying jobs (being a woman and discriminated against in this), plus taking time off for child-bearing and rearing. My SS would be pitiful.

    At first, I railed at this (I’m what they call a ‘young’ widow) as I wanted to marry my b.f., but now I’ll be eternally grateful. Never thought that would happen. But then, I was manic and we don’t think very clearly then, do we?

    For the first time in my life, I’ll be on my own entirely. I have no family left (they’re either dead or estranged). I went from my dad, to my husband, to this man and have never been truly alone. I am flat out scared.

    But I am fortunate enough to have a few very close, trusted and loyal friends. I hope they stick with me as I go thru this…I don’t want to burn them out from my crap.

    My husband and I lost a ton of ‘friends’ after our daughter died (I think they thought it was catching). Same thing after he died. I was a widow, therefore, ‘tainted’. Those ‘friends’ can all go pound sand as far as I’m concerned.

    Okay, your turn! More stories, please, you’re a great writer, Dual.

    • mydualities October 21, 2009 / 12:04 PM

      stories…there are so many, I hardly know where to begin. I’ll have to think about one. Do you have a question? Maybe I can start there.

  6. Pam October 22, 2009 / 7:33 AM

    How about your new marriage? Or start a new blog about your childhood? About relatives that may have had bp? Heck, just think outside the box, g.f. 😀

    Hugz & keep the faith!

    • mydualities October 22, 2009 / 4:00 PM

      I’ll work on one. It might take a little while because I’m going on a little vacation tonight for the weekend. Thanks for the suggestions. 🙂
      -Dual

  7. Pam October 23, 2009 / 7:15 AM

    Cool, a little vacation! Maybe it’ll give you an idea about what to write about!

    Have fun and relax,

    Hugz,
    Pam

  8. tasiasmama November 25, 2010 / 10:26 AM

    Hi
    I have two blogs dealing with my past and present experiences as a recovering bi-polar ADD addict and thing I went through in the depths of my addiction. The websites are http://www.anaddictsinnerself.blogspot.com and http://www.dailymemoirstofindingmyinnerself.wordpress.com. I am looking for authors of blogs who write about addiction and recovery to check out my blogs and leave me helpful comments and possibly link me to their blogs if they find my experiences useful to their readers. Please take the time to see what I have to say. This are my true inner feelings and though at times they are hard to write they help me find myself and perhaps help another addict in the process.
    Thank you for you time,
    Tasiasmama

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