Hello everyone. It has been a long while since my last post. My sporadic writing is reminiscent of how I am. I jump into a project with high hopes of how it will directly affect my future, but when it doesn’t, I feel rejected and I feel like a failure. I long to be a professional writer, but I also can’t see myself being able to step away from the family business. Besides, I don’t think I’m very good at either of those jobs.
I feel like such a failure. Yes, that is how I feel. Don’t worry. I’m bipolar, so that thought will change eventually. I’m just going through that period of mood fluctuations where the scale now tells me, “There is no such thing as gravity. The world just sucks.”
As you can tell, I’m depressed. Work is a battle, some family relationships are a struggle, but mostly my sleep, or lack thereof, is leaving me drained. This month I was put on the CPAP machine to help me with my sleep apnea. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it is a machine that forces air through your nose while you sleep so you no longer experience the air obstruction you had previously. Well, in any case, it is something like that. I just can’t get use to it and my sleep is disrupted more than ever before. I’m hoping I just need more time to get use to it, but I need to sleep.
I’m so tired ALL the time now.
The question is though: Is it the CPAP causing my sleepless nights or is it depression creeping in and taking over?
How do I figure that one out? If it’s both…then what?
Please comment. I like to know that people really are reading this.