“The World Just Sucks”


Hello everyone.  It has been a long while since my last post. My sporadic writing is reminiscent of how I am. I jump into a project with high hopes of how it will directly affect my future, but when it doesn’t, I feel rejected and I feel like a failure. I long to be a professional writer, but I also can’t see myself being able to step away from the family business. Besides, I don’t think I’m very good at either of those jobs.

I feel like such a failure. Yes, that is how I feel. Don’t worry. I’m bipolar, so that thought will change eventually. I’m just going through that period of mood fluctuations where the scale now tells me, “There is no such thing as gravity. The world just sucks.”

As you can tell, I’m depressed. Work is a battle, some family relationships are a struggle, but mostly my sleep, or lack thereof, is leaving me drained. This month I was put on the CPAP machine to help me with my sleep apnea. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it is a machine that forces air through your nose while you sleep so you no longer experience the air obstruction you had previously. Well, in any case, it is something like that. I just can’t get use to it and my sleep is disrupted more than ever before. I’m hoping I just need more time to get use to it, but I need to sleep.

I’m so tired ALL the time now.

The question is though: Is it the CPAP causing my sleepless nights or is it depression creeping in and taking over?

How do I figure that one out? If it’s both…then what?

Please comment. I like to know that people really are reading this.

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5 thoughts on ““The World Just Sucks”

  1. lostinnotation January 27, 2010 / 2:39 PM

    Hey,

    I am reading this and glad you are posting still.
    When I get lows I tend to sleep more and then sleep less when I am approaching a high, it’s one of the only ways I have of recognising it in myself as I tend to depend on other peoples input for how I come across on a day to day basis and whether my mood is level.

    Over the years I have sort of learnt to accept the lack of sleep and rather than fight it try to hold on to the creativity I am often left with in the earlier hours, the peacefulness of the house and how much more I can get done. In this way I find it fades a little faster ather than if I lie awake not worrying about sleeping.

    I was finally diagnosed with bipolar six months ago having been misdiagnosed as having anxiety disorder and depression for years. I have started writing a blog which is not solely on bipolar but I am open in it about my illness and when appropriate I share my experiences within various posts. I post daily as I am running a daily feature so that keeps me writing but do have a look and I will keep an eye on your postings as well as I find it helpful to know “I am not the only one”.

    Thanks very much

    Ellie (lostinnotation)

    • mydualities February 11, 2010 / 9:32 PM

      Ellie,
      Thank you for your comment. It helps to meet some of those that read my sporadic posts. I noticed this comment before, but was interrupted and never went back to say thank you. Sorry. I will look you up and read your blog. I’m so happy that you are writing about your experiences too with bipolar disorder. The more people out there who reveal what it is really like, the more people will be aware that we are not “freakish”. Nice name for your blog, by the way. 🙂

  2. Bill Murphy February 1, 2010 / 9:39 PM

    Hi…I am a male senior who was in the US Navy when the War ended in 1945.So ,I’m not a kid.I’m not Bi-Polar,as
    far as I know.As it happens,my sister-in-law has sleep arnea and is having a hard time of it.She is elderly,and has had a bad ticker for 50 some years.She is now hospitalized as part of her inability to conquer this mask that they put on her to sleep with. I am not up to speed on the latest with her,as she and my bro live 600 miles from me.She was always one of our favorite people to talk with.I have had
    depression and later,anxiety, for most of my adulthood.I managed to sneak in a marriage,although I was left by three consecutive girlfriends.I am ,I believe,an empathetic
    person.I volunteered many years as a “chauffeur” for the elderly and the visually handicaped.My wife worked and I was retired early.The Mrs. died suddenly in 2006.I have a hard time living alone,but I do have my precious Rat Terrier.
    I’m on Paxil for depression,and Lorazapam for anxiety.I am afraid to start that up again.I had double vision once by taking just one pill of something else,so am leary of new meds. God bless you. Bill
    i

  3. Matt April 16, 2010 / 10:05 PM

    First of all I think you are a good writing, well better than me. I believe sleep is the most un-appreciated aspect of our lives. I have suffered from depression, anxiety, ADHD and more for ten years. I recently was diagnosed with major restless legs and sleep apnea. The CPAP machine definately takes a liong time to get used to, especially if you role around and move a lot like to me. I get up and get food ever hour or so (I”m skinny still) and my restless legs bug me through the night in other ways also. It is very difficult to pinpoint which things are causing what. Depression usually causes more sleep in people but if you are bipolar you may sleep more. If you arn’t sleeping, it sounds like the CPAP will help. I took about 1 week or two just to get used to the air pressure. Now it’s been a month or so and I hate not being able to role around. My sleep is improving but I still feel tired daily and still not get a good night’s rest that night. It is tough but it takes patience, that is one thing I struggle with daily. Of course, you should mention this to all your doctors and see if they have any ideas. Good luck!

    • mydualities April 18, 2010 / 8:59 PM

      Matt,
      The CPAP machine is really hard to get use to, but I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t sleep well without it. I use to toss and turn a lot during the night, but now I barely move all night because of the CPAP. Hopefully, you will get use to it the more you use it. Thanks for the compliment about the writing. I really do appreciate it.
      Dual

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