Have You Found Your Soul Mate? Part Two: an Update

This is an update from a previous blog written October 12, 2009 “Have You Found Your Soul Mate?” https://mydualities.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/have-you-found-your-soul-mate/

June 2nd marked our three year anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been three years already since the wedding. However, we are so close that I feel like I’ve known my husband for a lifetime. Our love has stood firm as we have gone through some hard times.

 I think many married couples can identify that the current economic crisis has added a lot of stress to some families. Our household hasn’t been affected too deeply, but the situation at our two different work places has added a lot of stress to our daily lives.

 Well, last year when work stress was at its peak, we both decided to try to have a baby. With me turning thirty very soon, my psychiatrist thought that time would be perfect since I appeared stable. Since I am bipolar, we had to plan together on when I would stop taking my lithium and Abilify and switch to Lamictol. We all worried about the possible birth defects linked to these medications. However, I never went through any medication changes before. I had been on lithium for ten years with only one major mood shift of a mixed episode in between that time, which just meant a high dosage of lithium and the addition of Abilify.

 After five months on only Lamictol, I started noticing that my emotions were heightened. I was ultra-sensitive. I was realizing the Lamictol wasn’t working anymore. I didn’t recognize that I was quickly spiraling into a manic episode. At work, I was a holy terror with little patience for people. I was working on four projects at one time and getting a lot done. At home, I was talkative and writing a lot about my past and researching about bipolar disorder. I wanted to write a book about the facts about being bipolar from the perspective of an average person with the disorder.

 While writing, I paid close attention to the check lists. I knew I was either having a mixed episode or hypomanic as the sixth month of the different medication passed. I never thought I was already manic because I was sleeping. I could sleep seven hours and take naps during that time, but the night I no longer could sleep anymore was the night I panicked. I called my psychiatrist who told me to start taking my Abilify right away, which I did but night two went by with my mind racing to a startling level of psychosis. I believed I had to relive my traumatic past experience no matter the cost.

 When my husband woke up that morning of the second night of no sleep, I told him to take me to the hospital. I needed to go through hospitalization again. Those two weeks during my hospitalization was the hardest time for our marriage. I wasn’t able to conceive in those six months and we were forced to stop trying as I was put back on my old regiment of lithium and Abilify. My husband also felt helpless, confused, and lonely during that time. He had never seen me psychotic before, but he stood by my side and helped me get through my hospitalization. It was very hard for him to see me like that.

 Now, three years of marriage has gone by and we still want to somehow try again to have a baby. A part of me wants that more than anything. The other part is afraid of at what cost I am willing to endure.


2 thoughts on “Have You Found Your Soul Mate? Part Two: an Update

  1. Gracie June 4, 2010 / 8:38 PM

    I enjoyed your thoughtful post as always. I feel like I want to ask you so many things but I’m not sure what’s important. So, let me ask you just this: tell me what you are like when you’re psychotic? Did it hurt your heart for him to see you like that?

    Oh, and a little tip writer to writer… don’t tell people what you’re writing. When I do I most often don’t write them.

    Be well.

    • mydualities June 4, 2010 / 9:41 PM

      Thanks for those words of wisdom. I think your right. I stopped writing that book. Maybe I’ll go back to it later, but I probably won’t.

      How am I like when I’m psychotic… good question! A manic to psychotic episode for me begins with a high level of manic thoughts and no sleep that leads to a grandiose conclusion that I need to sacrifice myself for the greater good. During my first episode, I believed that the end of the world was near, world war was coming, and that I was God’s Messenger like Joan of Arc who needed to die to become so and help save the world. I told people that I had already died and just needed to spread the word. When I’m psychotic, spaces of time end up being completely lost. I often feel like I’m in an out of body experience when I’m psychotic too. I see myself and hear myself, but I cannot control anything I do. I watch and sometimes I’m horrified at what I’m seeing, but that other self still abides by my moral code of ethics. I still know some boundaries. Thank God. My last episode I recognized right away and got help while the psychotic tendencies where first setting in. The best cure for me for psychotic tendencies is SLEEP! Knock me out for hours and let me sleep. Without sleep and lithium, my manic/psychotic tendencies would probably get worse over time. I’m really annoying too. I talk and talk and talk….

      To your other question about whether my heart hurt because of how I was behaving…yes and no. While psychotic, I didn’t think about him so much as myself, but as soon as I came down from my psychotic tendencies but still seriously manic, I felt terrible for being an inconvenience but I never once doubted that he wanted to be by my side every time he visited me. I always looked forward to his visits. Oh, another thing about me when I’m severly manic to psychotic, I tend to be very euphoric and optomistic. But don’t piss me off…. I’m still very sharp and can use reason which surprises even the psychiatrists on staff. They call me abnormal for some reason.

      Thanks Gracie! Keep well too.

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