Afraid


Over the weekend, I attended a convention for a service organization that my husband and I are heavily involved in. There were motivational speakers there that were quite good. I marvel at their ability to light a fire under people. They all had life stories to tell to further their goal to motivate us to keep serving others. They all emphasize a single moment in their life that was their defining moment that fueled them to become what they are today. One of them called it your significant emotional event.

So what is my significant emotional event? I don’t know if I can really pick just one right now. I keep thinking about what might be my significant emotional event that fuels my dreams of what I want to do once I have the courage and the forethought to do it. From my previous blog post, I talked about how I believe that one of my purposes in life is to speak out against the stigma and bullying in schools. That is a goal, a dream I have, so was the teaching experience my significant emotional event? It was one of them, but it is not what fuels the way my life is now nearly as much as another event that happened to me.

I’m so traumatized by it that I can’t even write it here. I cry when I think of what happened to me and I know that for others it would seem trivial and no big deal compared to the terrible things they have had to go through, but that moment in time made me become what I am today. It made me exactly what I am today…afraid. I haven’t reached a point in my life where I can say that I am doing what I love and I love my life. I can’t say that I’ve lived my life to the fullest or lived my life the way I thought was best.

I lost my job, but I never loved my job anyway. I left teaching, but my dad told me to do that job. I never wanted to be a teacher. Since high school, I’ve wanted to be a writer, but I never can finish my story. I’d love to find a freelance job writing for other people, but I have no experience writing for anything other than my high school yearbook. I have dreams, but I allow others to tell me “no,” or “you can’t,” or “you’re not in your right mind.” I choose to let others choose for me. I can’t even acknowledge who I really am on this blog because others tell me not to. How can I tell my story when I can’t tell the whole story?

Please comment. I’m in desperate need for other’s insight.

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