For some reason I have an awful song stuck in my head right now…”Whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you, Blame it on the rain yay, yay…” I think it’s appropriate for what I’m about to say, because I think the awful song is a crock of bull! Not accepting responsibility for your own actions is one of the many problems with this world today. Thank you everyone that has been trying to tell me this lately, I just didn’t want to hear it.
Okay! I get it. I can no longer hide behind my comfy little corner and pretend like everything is perfect when it is not. I am a mess and I can’t blame being bipolar as the reason for my messy life anymore. Damn! It was so easy to say that my meds make me fat, I’m not a teacher because I’m bipolar, I have no worth to another employer other than my father because I’m bipolar, I can’t speak out and be someone because I’m bipolar, I can’t write and publish because I’m bipolar, I can’t be a mother because I’m bipolar….and on and on. What a crock of shit!!! I can’t blame being bipolar as the reason I lead a shitty life right now–“right now”, scratch that. I’ve never let myself live my life since I was diagnosed in 1999! Heck, maybe even before that! I have ALWAYS left decisions up to everyone else. I just go with the flow. Well, Not Any More!!!!
But crap! What do I do? I can say these things, but will I do these things?
Okay. I have to for my sake! Me! I have to remember that I am important too. Okay. I need to make this manageable and to set limitations. I can’t make myself manic over recreating my life. So, PLEASE help and advise me with this list. It’s a sketch right now so I need help, but I will make the final decision because this is my life I’m talking about! None of this is in a particular order right now.
- Exercise until I can’t go on or until half an hour is up a day. Then add to it as I go.
- Lesson my meal portions and avoid pop, sweets, and minimize carbs.
- Eat more fruits and vegitables.
- Drink a lot of water.
- Spend at least an hour a day writing my novel, but do not let it become an obsession.
- Take my meds every day and follow-up with my psychiatirst and therapist.
- Fill out my daily journal and mood chart.
- Find a job I will enjoy that is NOT working for my parents again. (This one is going to be tough.)
- Find friends that share common interests. (Um, how do you do that?)
I’m sure I’m missing something important. Any ideas? Please comment and let me know what they might be.
Well, I’m not tired right now and it’s midnight. Yuck! I think I drank too much caffeine today, but it probably was the panic I felt when I read Heather Whistler’s blog “Jumbling Towers” http://heatherwhistler.wordpress.com/about/. I panicked when I read that 90% of marriages fail when one of the partners are bipolar. Holy SH*T!!! I freaked before I actually read the article she posted along with that statistic, “Partners for Life: Beating the Bipolar Odds” by Michelle Roberts from BP Magazine http://bphope.com/Item.aspx/104/partners-for-life . The article was very informative and I suggest people read it!! Gosh, don’t scare me like that people! I think I was doing better before I knew that. Now, I’m freaking out! Wait…think of your husband and your relationship. Okay, I feel better. Few. The article gave good pointers that my husband and I already do and have done or survived through.
I’m calming down now, but I’m still wired. It makes me ponder on my relationship with my husband. Do I not appreciate him? Am I being selfish right now? Actually, I don’t think so. According to my therapist, I let my own self disappear behind my husband, my sisters, my brother, and my parents before I considered doing anything for me. However, now that I’m trying to step out of my cocoon with writing this book, my therapist tells me that I should start small like with short stories and poetry instead of writing a novel. Isn’t this blog starting small? Now I’m working up to something bigger. Besides, short stories and poetry don’t really cut it for me anymore. I did those back in high school and college.
Anyway, I want to write this novel. I’ve had the idea since 2007, but keep on letting people or my mood swings discourage me from writing it. I’ve gone through four different styles and I finally think I’ve found the right fit for me. Watch though. I go to publish it and I’m told the style is all wrong and needs to be rewritten. 😦 I hope not!!!
Well, I’m getting tired now…I hope. I’m going to try to sleep. Thanks for listening. 🙂
Again, I’m left sitting here in front of my computer longing to write, but nothing is coming. I surf and read through other blogs hoping for inspiration, but nothing is coming. So, I’m going to try something I haven’t done in years. I’m going to free write. Just write down what I’m currently thinking at the moment.
Ok…here goes…and nothing is coming. Crap. Help! I’m trying too hard to think so now I can’t think! Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my book, but I’ve been warned not to talk about it or I won’t finish it, so can’t type what I’m thinking about that here. So now what?
Well, I’ve been thinking about having a baby a lot lately. I know it’s my jealousy of my younger brother about to have one in December that’s fueling my thoughts. I wanted to be the next to have a baby, but that didn’t happen. We tried last year, but I became psychotic when I was just on lamictal instead of lithium and abilify (my drugs of choice 🙂 ). I was told to hold off on pregnancy and go back on my drug cocktail. Now a year later, I’m thinking about it again. My husband and I are at that point where we either have one or we don’t, I think. I’m only 30, but my husband is ten years older than me.
But I’ve also been thinking…would I be a good mother? I’ve learned through my nephew that waking up in the middle of the night for feedings and changes and the screams from nightmares really do affect my moods to the extreme. Everyone says it’s different when you have your own, but come on! Not getting a full nights sleep is not good for my bipolar disorder. Plus, do I want my son or daughter to grow up with bipolar disorder? Because, face it. Bipolar disorder is highly genetic, so I know my children have a 50% likelihood of developing the disorder as they age. Great! But then I think that because I understand the disorder and can recognize it with others I think my children might be able to lead a decent life even if they do develop bipolar disorder. I want the love of a child in my arms so much!!! Tears are welling up as I write this. I really do want a baby and I know my husband does too.
My new psychiatirst has given me hope that I can have my own, but… I hesitate. He told me that I should get pregnant first, then cut out my drug cocktail and go without meds during the pregnancy. He says women seem to mellow in their mood swings as they gain the hormones from pregnancy…what I hesitate about though is the “first you need to diet and exercise so you’re stronger for the pregnancy”…CRAP! Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know he’s right, but I LOVE food and HATE exercising. 😦 but I WANT a baby!!!
My twin sister and I went to the 10pm opening of Toys R Us to do some Christmas shopping. We saw the LONG line and turned around and went home. I was like, “I may be crazy at times, but I’m not that crazy! Well, not today anyway.” So, ’tis the season for me to watch out for the bipolar ups and downs I usually experience during the holidays.
The ups of the holidays usually start with my excitment to buy Christmas presents. I love shopping! Especially for other people. I just love the feeling you get when you see people opening their presents. I spend and spend to the point that I really have to juggle my money near the end. I am so bad with money. I also get excited (panicked) about cleaning for the family coming over for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I don’t have to worry about that this year. phewww! I love decorating the house, but haven’t started doing that yet this year. Oh, and I LOVE the anticipation of seeing what I get for Christmas. I usually can’t wait and I’m like a little girl who jumps out of bed early in the morning on Christmas day always asking “Can we open our presents now? Please. Please. Please.” The overwhelming feeling of happiness is so heartwarming.
However, with the highs, there comes the lows. The cold weather and the early nights do not help keep my spirits up. I find snow peaceful up until it gets dirty and trambled on. I hate it when I run into rude uncaring people in the stores. The reminder of church can sometimes bring tears to my eyes. I also remember the family that is no longer with us. I tend to dwell on the negative parts of my past more. I hate the reminder that it is another year of me not achieving any major goals. And then there’s the disappointment of getting what I asked for and not something spectacular or not getting what I really wanted but a whole lot of what I didn’t want.
Well, anyway. The point is that this season my moods jump from high to low so easily that I could be laughing my ass off one second then crying in the corner the next. I LOVE this time of year, but I can HATE it too. I have to be careful and watch my moods.
So, what are some other ups and downs out there that I may need to prepare for during this holiday season?
I’m writing because I just feel like writing, but I have no idea what to say. Right now it is early in the morning, well for me it is. I have a therapist appointment later today and I haven’t been doing what she wants me to do. She’s been trying to get me to keep a mood chart again. I know I should, but I just don’t feel like it. She also wants me to ask myself 3 fundamental questions during the day:
- What have I been thinking about?
- Where are my safe zones?
- What are my reactions to people that I see during the day?
Um, okay. Not too tough, but crap…I don’t want to waste my time. I know it’s good to self reflect from time to time, but come on! I’ve done this two days out of seven, so I’m not looking forward to seeing my therapist today.
Yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist. Wow, that was five minutes of absolutely nothing. Of course I lied about following that damn diet he wants me to do. However, for the past week I have been trying, not succeeding mind you, but trying. My younger sister and I decided to try together, but we are both having a hard time with it. Plus, she lives about an hour from me, so the support isn’t here where I need it. I think my bipolar meds actually make me crave chocolate and sweets. Ugh!!! Why can’t I live my life the way I want to without having to worry about dieting.
Dieting….yuck!! I had such a bad time with it in school that I swore off of diets. I took Fen-Phen back when it was okay to take it and lost a ton of weight fast, but then also lost my gall bladder because of it. The pain was excruciating! Now, diets scare me. Hence the reason I look like a whale right now…no joke. I’m huge. I know I have to lose weight, but without any support team to diet and exercise around me, it is just too damn hard. Plus, I already have medical issues with my ankles and knees so exercising is not easy. Not to mention my asmtha. Ugh!! I really hate myself right now. I’m only 30 and I’m already falling about. Or should I say…blowing up.
I have been recently asked by a fellow blogger this fundamental question when it comes to blogging, “How open is too open?” It’s a good question that many people wonder about, especially those writing a blog. I’ve been told and a part of me agrees that revealing everything about you can be dangerous. Blogs can be viewed by anyone in the world. For this reason, my husband and therapist believe that I need to keep my name and my location a secret while I use this blog as a type of therapy.
Well, here is a list of reasons we have come up with as to why:
- Identity theft is a problem.
- Employers and/or future employers can learn too much about you, which is illegal, but its “only illegal if you get caught.”
- Blogs are based off of opinion and you might make the wrong person angry who may stalk, harass, or do something even worse.
- You may unknowingly reveal something to the world that you regret.
- Let’s face it, the world is not a friendly place for people with mental disorders. People are afraid of what they don’t understand. When people are afraid enough, their fear turns to anger and violence, which has led to the school shootings, bullying, and even world wars.
So, how open is too open? You be the judge. I, for one, know from personal experience that the world is not ready to accept people’s differences as much as we would like. I stand behind many organizations like NAMI that try to make the world more accepting. However, I stand behind them right now. Eventually when I get all my ducks in a row, I plan to let the world know “Yes, I’m so and so, and I am bipolar,” but that is to the WORLD. Everyday, I willingly tell those around me, “Hi, I’m so and so. Yes, I am bipolar. Do you have any questions?”
Tell the people in your life when the right moment presents itself, but telling the world everything might lead to more problems for you in the future.
Please comment. What do you think?
Thanks, Duals 🙂
I’m writing my novel again. Yes!!! I’m so excited. Maybe I’ll finish it this time.
I also have been doing a lot of volunteer work since I’m not working right now.
Let’s see. I’m slowly getting out of the depression funk, but I fear it’s not moving towards stability. Instead I’m on my way to mania. Whoo hoo! I’m about ready to get back on the roller coaster ride. Being bipolar can be sooooo much FUN! (She says sarcastically.)
I have a new psychiatrist now. Not too happy about that. My old one moved away on me. Crap. This new one is a man and he wants me to lose weight. He also suggested that I get pregnant while on my meds and then get off them during the first month or two. Then go through my pregnancy cold turkey. Hmm, I actually like that idea, but he wants me to lose weight now and exercise so I’m strong during the pregnancy. Crap. I hate watching what I eat and exercising isn’t in my vocabulary. I hate it.
Sorry it has been a while since I’ve written. I guess I’m a little disheartened that no one ever comments on here anymore. I’ve also been depressed, really depressed. I think its lifting a little from where I was. I could at least do things today like clean the dishes and the cat litter, nothing too drastic, but it is better than it has been. I’ve felt so lost lately and alone even though my husband may be inches away from me. The hollowness, the detachment, the lack of interest in things, the close calls to falling asleep while driving, and the feeling of despair finally awakened me to the realization that I am depressed. Everyone around me saw it, but I just thought I was “sad.” I’ve never been as bad as my sister with depression so I never think I’m depressed when I am.
Today I do feel different than yesterday even. I hope I’m moving up in my cycle now, but I have to watch whether the depression ends up spiking into mania. Maybe I can have mania without becoming psychotic. . . probably better just to hope for stability.
Thanks for reading,