Blowing Up

Hi everyone!

I’m writing because I just feel like writing, but I have no idea what to say. Right now it is early in the morning, well for me it is. I have a therapist appointment later today and I haven’t been doing what she wants me to do. She’s been trying to get me to keep a mood chart again. I know I should, but I just don’t feel like it. She also wants me to ask myself 3 fundamental questions during the day:

  1. What have I been thinking about?
  2. Where are my safe zones?
  3. What are my reactions to people that I see during the day?

Um, okay. Not too tough, but crap…I don’t want to waste my time. I know it’s good to self reflect from time to time, but come on! I’ve done this two days out of seven, so I’m not looking forward to seeing my therapist today.

Yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist. Wow, that was five minutes of absolutely nothing. Of course I lied about following that damn diet he wants me to do. However, for the past week I have been trying, not succeeding mind you, but trying. My younger sister and I decided to try together, but we are both having a hard time with it. Plus, she lives about an hour from me, so the support isn’t here where I need it. I think my bipolar meds actually make me crave chocolate and sweets. Ugh!!! Why can’t I live my life the way I want to without having to worry about dieting.

Dieting….yuck!! I had such a bad time with it in school that I swore off of diets. I took Fen-Phen back when it was okay to take it and lost a ton of weight fast, but then also lost my gall bladder because of it. The pain was excruciating! Now, diets scare me. Hence the reason I look like a whale right now…no joke. I’m huge. I know I have to lose weight, but without any support team to diet and exercise around me, it is just too damn hard. Plus, I already have medical issues with my ankles and knees so exercising is not easy. Not to mention my asmtha. Ugh!! I really hate myself right now. I’m only 30 and I’m already falling about. Or should I say…blowing up.


8 thoughts on “Blowing Up

  1. stephanie November 23, 2010 / 9:34 AM

    Wow duals! Lol! You get it out! Do you feel any better now? Probably not because I too know all too well about that damn yo-yo roller coaster of dieting… Gaining weight, loosing weight, ugh! That ALONE is enough to drive anybody mad! Ugh…. I HATE DIETS AND EXERCISE! Hey… One thing, I do keep a mood chart off of that site,, I think it is, and I have it set up to send me a text every day at a certain time and I reply back with my mood and it charts it. U can also link your drs to it so that can view your chart from their office. Pretty cool huh!!

    • mydualities November 23, 2010 / 9:52 AM

      Wow!!! That is so awesome. I’m going to definitely check that out. Thanx!!! 🙂

  2. healthylova November 24, 2010 / 3:44 AM

    I had never write comments on blogs that I visit, but your blog it very nice, very helpful for me so thank you have written this article very useful, keep writing and I wait for your next post.

    • mydualities November 24, 2010 / 10:21 AM

      Thank you! I hope you continue to enjoy this blog.

  3. graciestjohn November 30, 2010 / 2:29 PM

    Hello again. I just wanted to encourage you, to tell you that you can lose the weight and do other things you want to do. How? I snapped the cartilage in my left ankle two years ago. While that was healing my right knee had to support me. I weight about 240 then. I’m only 5’3″ so that’s a lot of weight on my knees. My right knee has disintegrated. It has no cartilage left in it at all and needs to be replaced. I’m not even 50. I’m alone, live in a rural area and have 3 teenagers. And like you I have BP.

    I’ve lost 30 pounds in about 9 months. How? Well the rainy weather here doesn’t help. I have one support person who lives clear across the country, but I’ve done it. I had to decide this is for me. Just for me. Every day but weekends. I walked down the highway. Everyday I demanded of myself to go a little further. Then I pulled a tendon in my heel. Two weeks off and I’m back at it. It’s raining like every day and I don’t like to walk in the rain so I go up and down my stairs and around the kitchen island until I can’t walk anymore. And, I’m scared of the stairs. I broke my ankle falling down them. I also have asthma. I just load up on my inhaler and 10 minutes later I go. If I’m not sweating I’m not doing it right.

    I have some exercises I do on the living room floor… again, until I just can’t go anymore… then I do two more. I eat smaller portions. No candy, pop or other junk. Fruit is way more tasty… which I’m allergic to and I still eat. Thank you Benedryl.

    I used to let people walk all over me. Now I stand up for myself and they think I’m not taking my meds. Too bad. No one insults my kids.

    Short and skinny of it is you CAN set a goal to exercise each day (I never weigh myself or set a goal, just my end game goal)and meet that goal of losing weight. Your brain will thank you too. Plug in that Ipod and get moving.

    I always shoot straight with you. I don’t think I’d like your counselor either. But, you cannot blame your lack of taking care of yourself on no support group. Talk about falling apart, I’m 47 and just was diagnosed with scoliosis, which explains my horrible back pain. Still I walk. Sometimes I cry when I come home and lay on the floor to rest because it hurts so bad. I have a brace for my destroyed knee. I have to be careful, but I do it.

    Bottom line is you can write your book, you can lose weight…. if you want to. Follow your passion.

    I believe in you. Now get to it.

    • mydualities November 30, 2010 / 5:06 PM

      Thanks Gracie,
      I needed to hear it. I know you are right. I need to follow my passion and get off my ass and do something about this rut I’ve put myself in. Thanks for the advice on the exercising. I’ve been told the same about walking, but hearing it from someone that goes through the pain and still keeps going makes me want to try for myself. I have no one but myself to blame for my weight. I just have to do it!
      Thanks again,
      Oh, and congrats on your success at losing the weight!!!

    • mydualities November 30, 2010 / 9:53 PM

      Well, I took your advise and ate half my meal tonight and exercised for 10 minutes. I wish I could go longer, but I’m realizing how out of shape I am. 😦 Thanks for the encouragements again!

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