I’m writing because I just feel like writing, but I have no idea what to say. Right now it is early in the morning, well for me it is. I have a therapist appointment later today and I haven’t been doing what she wants me to do. She’s been trying to get me to keep a mood chart again. I know I should, but I just don’t feel like it. She also wants me to ask myself 3 fundamental questions during the day:
- What have I been thinking about?
- Where are my safe zones?
- What are my reactions to people that I see during the day?
Um, okay. Not too tough, but crap…I don’t want to waste my time. I know it’s good to self reflect from time to time, but come on! I’ve done this two days out of seven, so I’m not looking forward to seeing my therapist today.
Yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist. Wow, that was five minutes of absolutely nothing. Of course I lied about following that damn diet he wants me to do. However, for the past week I have been trying, not succeeding mind you, but trying. My younger sister and I decided to try together, but we are both having a hard time with it. Plus, she lives about an hour from me, so the support isn’t here where I need it. I think my bipolar meds actually make me crave chocolate and sweets. Ugh!!! Why can’t I live my life the way I want to without having to worry about dieting.
Dieting….yuck!! I had such a bad time with it in school that I swore off of diets. I took Fen-Phen back when it was okay to take it and lost a ton of weight fast, but then also lost my gall bladder because of it. The pain was excruciating! Now, diets scare me. Hence the reason I look like a whale right now…no joke. I’m huge. I know I have to lose weight, but without any support team to diet and exercise around me, it is just too damn hard. Plus, I already have medical issues with my ankles and knees so exercising is not easy. Not to mention my asmtha. Ugh!! I really hate myself right now. I’m only 30 and I’m already falling about. Or should I say…blowing up.