What a Bipolar Girl Wants

Again, I’m left sitting here in front of my computer longing to write, but nothing is coming. I surf and read through other blogs hoping for inspiration, but nothing is coming. So, I’m going to try something I haven’t done in years. I’m going to free write. Just write down what I’m currently thinking at the moment.

Ok…here goes…and nothing is coming. Crap. Help! I’m trying too hard to think so now I can’t think! Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my book, but I’ve been warned not to talk about it or I won’t finish it, so can’t type what I’m thinking about that here. So now what?

Well, I’ve been thinking about having a baby a lot lately. I know it’s my jealousy of my younger brother about to have one in December that’s fueling my thoughts. I wanted to be the next to have a baby, but that didn’t happen. We tried last year, but I becameΒ psychoticΒ when I was just on lamictal instead of lithium and abilify (my drugs of choice πŸ™‚ ). I was told to hold off on pregnancy and go back on my drug cocktail. Now a year later, I’m thinking about it again. Β My husband and I are at that point where we either have one or we don’t, I think. I’m only 30, but my husband is ten years older than me.

But I’ve also been thinking…would I be a good mother? I’ve learned through my nephew that waking up in the middle of the night for feedings and changes and the screams from nightmares really do affect my moods to the extreme. Everyone says it’s different when you have your own, but come on! Not getting a full nights sleep is not good for my bipolar disorder. Plus, do I want my son or daughter to grow up with bipolar disorder? Because, face it. Bipolar disorder is highly genetic, so I know my children have a 50% likelihood of developing the disorder as they age. Great! But then I think that because I understand the disorder and can recognize it with others I think my children might be able to lead a decent life even if they do develop bipolar disorder. I want the love of a child in my arms so much!!! Tears are welling up as I write this. I really do want a baby and I know my husband does too.Β 

My new psychiatirst has given me hope that I can have my own, but… I hesitate. He told me that I should get pregnant first, then cut out my drug cocktail and go without meds during the pregnancy. He says women seem to mellow in their mood swings as they gain the hormones from pregnancy…what I hesitate about though is the “first you need to diet and exercise so you’re stronger for the pregnancy”…CRAP! Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know he’s right, but I LOVE food and HATE exercising. 😦 but I WANT a baby!!!

Any suggestions?



8 thoughts on “What a Bipolar Girl Wants

  1. Stephanie November 28, 2010 / 5:00 PM

    Duals… I have the SOLUTION to your problem all the way around…. ADOPT A BABY!! Then you don’t have to diet/exercise (who likes that anyways, ugh), you don’t have to stop or change your meds, and you don’t have to worry about passing on the genetic horror of bipolar. πŸ™‚ Sounds like a plan to me! Other than the costs 😦 I don’t know how much that is, but having your own baby does have expense to it too, so…. idk about that end of it, but the reality of it, minus the money part, seems like a perfect solution! πŸ™‚ Walla! Baby!! πŸ™‚

    Oh, and I fear that my youngest is bipolar. 😦 I see all the classic signs and symptoms in her big time. I am almost positive of it, and it tears my heart out to think of. I would never, ever want to give this disease to anyone, and the thought of the possibility that I have… makes me hate myself even that much more, especially to my own child. I don’t want her to struggle with this like I have. She deserves, just as we all do, a normal life. Of course, I didn’t know I was bipolar when I had her. She is 8 and I was diagnosed going on 2 years ago now. So… maybe consider the adoption idea? Idk… its all I can come up with right now. πŸ™‚ Oh, and I think you may be “trying to think” too hard on the free writing. πŸ™‚ I would just say whats on your mind. I don’t think writing about what may end up in your book would harm you. I mean, after all, in my blog I pretty much seem to be repeating myself just with different words, different moods, different days, lol. Its always going to be the same thing…. up, down, happy, sad, etc. Do you get what I mean? Think about it… πŸ™‚

    Stephanie πŸ™‚

    • mydualities November 28, 2010 / 10:19 PM

      Thanks Steph,
      I was thinking about adoption, but I heard that with my hospitalization record that adopting won’t be very easy. “Walla” might not happen. I don’t know if that is true though. We have never tried adopting before. I was thinking of adopting a little girl from Russia since I took two years of Russian in college, but then I think about all those little babies here in the US that need a family and then I tear up about that as well. I know adopting is an option for us, but even adopting doesn’t guarantee I won’t have a bipolar child or other types of problems.

      As for whether I pass down bipolar disorder to my children…I think of it this way…being bipolar might be terrible to live with for some, but if they are taught to learn their limitations, to work well with a team of medical staff, to take their drug cocktail that works well with them at a young age, and shown the meaning of love and understanding, then they can and will live a wonderful and colorful life filled with creativity, love, understanding, and happiness. Being bipolar can be seen as a gift to some if you look at the fact that you can FEEL deeper the joys, the sorrows, the laughters, the tears, the fears, the excitments, the loves, the hates….. My point is we tend to live life to the fullest because we FEEL to the fullest. If we work with what God or the powers that be gave us then we can be happy. If we stop fighting it, then maybe we can use the disorder to our advantage.

      But that’s just my opinion πŸ™‚

      • Stephanie November 29, 2010 / 7:44 AM

        I don’t know much about adoption either, but you are correct in the fact that you could still end up with a baby that has bipolar or something else, so guess thats not as great of an idea as I first thought. But… I do agree with you about living to the fullest and trying to make the best of it. I keep trying to remind myself to do that, but some days are harder than others. I do agree with your opinion though… I just need to reread this whenever I feel worthless I suppose πŸ™‚

  2. Stephanie November 28, 2010 / 5:01 PM

    Whats a trackback anywho?

    • mydualities November 28, 2010 / 10:20 PM

      Trackback? I have no idea. Does anyone know out there that might be reading this?

      • Stephanie November 29, 2010 / 7:41 AM

        I don’t know, I just noticed on your blog you can click to leave a comment or a trackback? So I did both but they both appear the same…. as a comment. Hummmm.. wierd?

  3. Heather Whistler November 29, 2010 / 12:01 AM

    I’m six months pregnant now, but it’s my husband who has bipolar disorder, so it’s a slightly different thing. I definitely wrestled with the whole inheritance issue—with one bipolar parent, statistically there’s a 25% chance a child would inherit the disorder. I just know that even with my eating disorder/food addiction, I’m glad I was born, and even with his bipolar, my husband is happy to be here. So I’m not really worried about that anymore.

    Re: your meds, etc., you should stop by Chris Wells’ blog. She has bipolar disorder and has a four-year-old son, so she might be a good contact for you. Here’s the link to her blog: http://www.christianewells.com/

    • mydualities November 29, 2010 / 12:04 AM

      Thank you for the reassurance. I’ll check out Chris Wells’ blog. Thank you.

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