Again, I’m left sitting here in front of my computer longing to write, but nothing is coming. I surf and read through other blogs hoping for inspiration, but nothing is coming. So, I’m going to try something I haven’t done in years. I’m going to free write. Just write down what I’m currently thinking at the moment.
Ok…here goes…and nothing is coming. Crap. Help! I’m trying too hard to think so now I can’t think! Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my book, but I’ve been warned not to talk about it or I won’t finish it, so can’t type what I’m thinking about that here. So now what?
Well, I’ve been thinking about having a baby a lot lately. I know it’s my jealousy of my younger brother about to have one in December that’s fueling my thoughts. I wanted to be the next to have a baby, but that didn’t happen. We tried last year, but I became psychotic when I was just on lamictal instead of lithium and abilify (my drugs of choice 🙂 ). I was told to hold off on pregnancy and go back on my drug cocktail. Now a year later, I’m thinking about it again. My husband and I are at that point where we either have one or we don’t, I think. I’m only 30, but my husband is ten years older than me.
But I’ve also been thinking…would I be a good mother? I’ve learned through my nephew that waking up in the middle of the night for feedings and changes and the screams from nightmares really do affect my moods to the extreme. Everyone says it’s different when you have your own, but come on! Not getting a full nights sleep is not good for my bipolar disorder. Plus, do I want my son or daughter to grow up with bipolar disorder? Because, face it. Bipolar disorder is highly genetic, so I know my children have a 50% likelihood of developing the disorder as they age. Great! But then I think that because I understand the disorder and can recognize it with others I think my children might be able to lead a decent life even if they do develop bipolar disorder. I want the love of a child in my arms so much!!! Tears are welling up as I write this. I really do want a baby and I know my husband does too.
My new psychiatirst has given me hope that I can have my own, but… I hesitate. He told me that I should get pregnant first, then cut out my drug cocktail and go without meds during the pregnancy. He says women seem to mellow in their mood swings as they gain the hormones from pregnancy…what I hesitate about though is the “first you need to diet and exercise so you’re stronger for the pregnancy”…CRAP! Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know he’s right, but I LOVE food and HATE exercising. 😦 but I WANT a baby!!!