“This is what you get when I can’t sleep…”

Well, it’s 2:30 am and I’m up again. I went to sleep at 10:30 pm, but something woke me up about an hour ago. Now I can’t get back to sleep. 😦  I decided to use my computer hoping I don’t wake my husband up with this light at least. I hate waking him up in the middle of the night. I always feel so guilty. So, now what do I do?

I recently started reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s book Night Falls Fast but the topic of suicide right now just doesn’t enthrall me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jamison. She is a beautiful writer. I only wish I was half as poetic with my words as she is. It is like she analyzes each sentence to pick out the very best word to describe how she is feeling or to make the most dramatic impact. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is rated one of the best writers of our time 50 years from now. She really is a “creative genius.”

 Hey steph, (http://mybipolarlife.com) I think Jamison is the writer I most would like to write to, just like you wrote to Terri Cheney. I guess I don’t because, well, I’m sure she is too busy to talk to someone like me. 😦  I don’t want the disappointment of no acknowledgement.

Anyway, enough with the sob little old me…well I guess I still can’t stop.  I’m thinking of my book right now. I’m trapped in a chapter where I have to devolop a character who is very depressed right now. I’m scared to. I’m afraid I’ll literally fall into a depression if I do. Hence, the reason I was trying to read Jamison’s book on suicide to fall into character, but I’m also afraid the book would influence me to the point where the depression in my book isn’t authentic to me. I stopped reading after the first chapter, but I’m stuck. I probably just told you too much about the novel I’m writing…but on second thought, if you didn’t know already that depression, mania, psychosis…bipolar disorder…wasn’t a main theme in it, then you really haven’t been reading this blog. 🙂  It’s not a memoir. I wanted to do something a little different…well, try it anyway. Knowing me, I’ll never finish it, but I’m a third of the way done with the rough draft.

Hey, to the writers out there…how hard is it to publish? What should the manuscript look like (margins, heading…) I read Janet Evanovich’s “How I Write,” should I go with her suggestions? I’ve read about 5 books on publishing and they all say different things. UGH!! It pisses me off to no end. At least I have time to write right now, but I am going stir crazy because I feel so lonely when I’m not chatting with people on the computer. I feel like my husband’s company isn’t cutting it right now. Probably because all he wants to do is play video games when he’s not at work. 😦

Another think that is on my mind is the success of this blog. I’ve been writing here for a year now, but I barely feel accepted in the bipolar community. I know you accept me Stephanie, but not many people comment and I barely get over twenty hits a day. So, what am I doing wrong? Should I learn to develop my own website? If I do, it will take away from the time I need for writing my novel because I don’t know crap about code and writing a website. I know when I publish I will do just that, but now…I’m I being rediculous? I feel like I am. I suck. Maybe I should start writing that chapter, I think I’m falling into depression again the more I think about my blog and how much I suck.

Oh, Stephanie also brought up a good point. I might be isolating this blog away from those of you that are not bipolar. I hope not!!! I want you to comment. Tell me what you think about bipolar people and the questions you may have about me. I can only give you my opinion and my experience, but I welcome you to read and comment. This blog is NOT just for bipolar people. 🙂



12 thoughts on ““This is what you get when I can’t sleep…”

  1. Stephanie December 10, 2010 / 8:25 AM


    You are so funny, lol. I am not laughing “at” you, I am just humored because in reading your post, I can just see you doing all that. So see….. that just proves you are a good writer because I can “feel” your posts, not just read them. 🙂 I like reading your posts. Oh, and I am not sure why you aren’t getting a lot of hits, but talking about getting your own website, etc. I DID buy my domain from wordpress. I paid total $25 for the year, you have to renew each year, but I didn’t think that was bad at all. So, idk if that maybe makes a difference or not???? Guess it could be possible?? Oh! Another thing… about writing to your favorite author, try this… write to her with the expectation of NOT hearing a word back so that if you DON’T hear anything, you won’t be disappointed, and if you DO hear something back, well, then thats just a great surprise that you were never expecting. 🙂 However, don’t think that she is so busy that she don’t have time to talk to someone like you. You got to remember, that at one point in her life, she was just like you. I think authors want and like getting written to because it is confirmation that they are inspiring others and keeps them motivated to continue. Think about once you get your book wrote… you will WANT people to write you right?? So, I think they are just the same. And they are just like you and I… no better, no different, other than they get a paycheck that we don’t lol! We are all human 🙂 So…. I say get started on writing her girl!!

    And ugh….. about the video gaming. 😦 I know you ain’t liking how that is making you feel. 😦 I am sorry, but I am here for you and to talk to you whenever 🙂 I’d give you my cell number if you text, but I don’t want to display it on here for everyone to see lol. Guess I’d have to personally email that to you. 🙂

    And one other thing before I wrap this comment up, do you have or take anything for sleep daily? I know for SURE I am going to be asking for something on Tuesday!

    • mydualities December 10, 2010 / 9:38 AM

      No, I don’t take anything for sleep. Usually, I don’t have a problem. I did go back to bed for a few more hours. 🙂 Thanks for the advise about the author. Maybe I will write her. I’ll also look into that domain name thing. Thanks!

      • Stephanie December 10, 2010 / 12:15 PM

        Wow, I am jealous then cause I would LOVE to not have a problem with sleep. That is a great plus for you then! You should write her…. lol 🙂 I feel like I am trying to talk you into asking some boy crush out on a date or something lol! 😉


      • mydualities December 10, 2010 / 12:27 PM

        LOL! Stephanie! You crack me up…. I’ll try to write a letter to her this weekend. I just have about 100 Christmas cards to write today, plus work on a newsletter, plus go to a mental illness support group for the first time today, plus its my younger sister’s birthday and I need to find a present for her before tonight, oh, plus continue to clean the house….ummm, I don’t think even being manic will get all that done! At least I have the weekend to do most of that too. 🙂 I hope you have a great weekend! Happy Friday!!!


  2. Eric December 10, 2010 / 11:25 AM


    Eric here – Stephanie’s husband. When you get to the point of publishing – you may want to look at e-publishing first. Here is a link that explains it – http://www.ehow.com/how_4842730_epublish-a-book.html

    So many people use kindles and download books now it may be an easy way to get your book out there and then a true publishing company may want to pick it up.

    Just a thought.

    • mydualities December 10, 2010 / 12:22 PM

      Thank you Eric!!! I’ll keep that in mind.

    • mydualities December 10, 2010 / 12:37 PM

      Sorry it’s me again. I just checked the link out and I’m amazed at how easy it looks. Thanks so much for the advice!

  3. Stephanie December 10, 2010 / 2:14 PM

    WOW DUALS….. You ain’t got nothing to do today do ya??? LOL! Dang girl, I think just “knowing” I had that much to get done would end up sending me manic! Maybe thats why I don’t do too much right now…. just the kids homework stresses me out at the moment lol. Whew!! Stressing just to READ what all you got going on! lol!! I want a Christmas card!!! 😛 GOOD LUCK WITH THAT LIST GIRL! YOU ARE GONNA NEED IT! 🙂

    • mydualities December 10, 2010 / 3:01 PM

      Yeah, I decided not to go to the support group yet. I’ll try to go next year instead. Right now there is too much to do. I’d send you one, but I don’t have your address. 😦
      Duals 🙂

      • Stephanie December 10, 2010 / 9:03 PM

        I think you waiting til next year to go is a good idea girl. You do have a lot on your plate right now it sounds like. 🙂

  4. Pam Franklin December 10, 2010 / 11:20 PM

    I always read your blog when I see you post about it on Twitter! I may not comment, but I’m reading.

    • mydualities December 11, 2010 / 12:14 AM

      THANK YOU!!! I’ll keep that in mind that I need to update on twitter when I have something new. 🙂

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