The Concrete Wall

It’s taking me a while to get up the nerve to write all that I’m feeling right now done. I’ve decided to just stop and write. Writing has always been a comfort to me, so now I’m going to grasp it. I’ve had a huge scare that I don’t know the result of yet, so I’m still in the tumultuous throws of panic. I’m trying to tell myself that the possible news may be no big deal, but…

For those of you that don’t know me, I work for my parents in a company they have had since I was six years old. I’ve grown up helping and/or working here for most of my life. Even when I was teaching, I was working overtime with them to help out. I’ve never been able to step away, but when times got tough, I did. Last September to December, I was unemployed for the first time in my life. I looked hard for a new job, but found nothing. However, I was called back to work for my parents due to their need for me to get things moving again. I swear they did practically nothing while I was gone. So I’ve been trying to get things back on track with the company, but my father still has to control everything. It drives me nuts, but I’m use to it. The company is completely controlled by my father, but the terrible news I’m waiting for is about his health. This company cannot run without him. My parents are highly reactive, which has sent me to the “looney bin” before because of their unwillingness to deal with issues….LITERALLY!!! I want to be proactive. I want to form a plan that can fix the issue of the company being so highly tied to my father, but when he doesn’t want to give up the reigns and work with people, it won’t happen. I feel like I’m banging my head into a concrete wall over and over again!

Well, that’s one issue I’m dealing with right now. The other is ME. I undervalue myself, I guess. 🙂  According to my therapist, I am as reactive as my parents…which is true. I want to be proactive, but I wait for others to tell me what to do with my life. TOTALLLLY TRUE!!!! God DAMN! It’s so second nature that I don’t realize I’m doing it. I’m always….”I gotta ask…” instead of “I’m going to do this whether you like it or not, because I matter.” I’ve put my life on hold. I have no career because of the family business. I am highly active in a service organization that has nothing to do with MY passion in life because I want to make my HUSBAND happy. I do a lot for my siblings because it’s expected. I live my life according to what other expect from me, instead of doing what I love. I want to write a novel about mental illness, but I put it away because I’m so busy with everything else in my life. I want to help people so badly fight this terrible stigma against those with mental illness and bipolar disorder, but I hide behind this blog as my outlet instead of really becoming active in something. unfortunately, I have tried to be more active, but that goes no where in a hurry because of the other service organization comes first. This all has come to the forefront because of my therapist. I had not realized I was so depressed and emotional until she showed me I was so worried about everyone else and not about myself. I would have gone on for the rest of my life like this if she didn’t point out to me that my psychotic episode in Sept. ’09 should have been a huge wake up call. Problem is…it was for me, but everyone else around me doesn’t give a damn. This blog for instance…..Everyone knows about it, but they don’t read it. I could tell deep dark secrets about my loved ones on here, but they would never know that the world of strangers now knows or can access it. UGH!!! It is so frustrating. For those of you that do read this, thank you, but unless you comment, I feel like I’m still banging my head against a concrete wall. Utterly pointless. I think that’s why I’m not really on here anymore. I feel like I don’t make a difference in anyone’s life. That I don’t matter. That people out there have already stopped reading by this point because I’ve been rambling way to much and they don’t give two shits about me. Just like my family.

Sorry, Stephanie (mybipolarlife)…I know you do care.

6 thoughts on “The Concrete Wall

  1. Meredith January 28, 2011 / 2:13 PM

    Thank you for posting on ∃. I have not nearly exhausted all the bipolar blogs out there so I’m glad you saw that. Now I can see you. I am a writer of sorts as well and mostly a sculptor, creativity-wise. And I can totally relate to putting myself last. I’ve been changing it little by little but as things get crazy, I go back into that mode. I don’t think I have it going on like you do, but the general lack of self-respect is quite an issue for many of us. I felt it heavily as I read your blog. And I did read until the end. I want to now read all your blogs, but I am in the middle of work (my own business). At least you are now conscious of it because that is the only time we can change things. I wish you peace and luck with your plateful. And one thought, perhaps there isn’t anything for you to do in terms of your dad but take care of yourself right now. What would happen if you weren’t trying to do anything for him? What would happen if you weren’t there?

    • mydualities January 28, 2011 / 3:51 PM

      Thank you Meredith! You are right. If it wasn’t for me, the company would have problems too. I never looked at it that way. Thank you for shedding more light on the subject. 🙂

      • Meredith January 29, 2011 / 1:19 AM

        Duals, you’re welcome. I’m glad I could.

  2. February 2, 2011 / 3:12 PM

    I read! I’d like to second Meredith’s comment thanking you for posting on Define Functioning. I guess I have a few comments that I’ll try to organize coherently for you. (If you read DF regularly, you already know that lists are my thing.)

    (1) Screw ’em. I’m a strange combination of reactionary/proactive. And I have a REALLY hard time with anyone telling me what to do. So this comment may not be super helpful for you. If they don’t read, if they don’t care, if they don’t listen, if their needs are more important than yours, let ’em be. But I’d personally like to see your needs being more important than theirs to you. You deserve it. We all do.

    (2) Worthless? Nah. At least not to me, and I think Meredith would agree with me. Even without comments, those that read appreciate another voice, another perspective, another person who knows what we go through, another set of understandings, another awesome bipolar chick who’s finding her way. Appreciation takes several forms. (BTW, I am not into pep talks. This is not a pep talk. The people who know me would actually — lovingly — call me a bitch.)

    (3) I’m really hoping to have your voice more often on DF. (That’s how not worthless I think your voice is.) I didn’t know you wanted to write a novel. Maybe as the forum grows you’ll find some material to work with?

  3. February 2, 2011 / 3:47 PM

    Ah! (I’m not the quickest sometimes…should’ve put this in the last comment.) Wanna be in the DF Reading Room? Can you shoot me an email with a short bio?

    • mydualities February 3, 2011 / 4:23 PM

      Thanks for the advice! I agree that I should look to myself more often, but when push comes to shove…I still don’t. UGH!!! I really need to grow a pair…I really hate that metaphor, but it works here.

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