I saw my therapist on Monday. Yeah, I know it’s Sunday night right now, so that tells you I’ve been avoiding this that long. She smacked me around during our session with a big reality check that had me in tears later that night and major depression spinning me into this avoidance thing. She started by asking how our sessions were going in my opinion, a major question I hadn’t prepared for. She also wanted me to sight my goals for therapy. Okay…these questions shouldn’t have been so difficult, but I BLANKED! I couldn’t think of anything to say. So she proceeded by digging deep into my “not okay, uncomfortable, please avoid” territory in my psyche to point out to me what some of my goals should be.
One of them should be to work on my marriage. DAH! Here’s a biggy that I should be like…”damn straight,” but instead I’m like, “it’s not so bad. We’re happy. We love each other. Everything’s fine.” Um, if that is the case why haven’t we had SEX in a long, long, long while. Oh, by the way, have I told you we don’t even sleep in the same bedroom? Oh, and have I bitched yet about how much my husband plays video games when he’s home? Right now, he’s playing and watching IronMan while I pour out my feelings to you instead of him. We are emotionally, physically, and mentally separated from each other. There is no passion, no signs of affection outside of air kisses….yes, AIR kisses! and the ocasional “I love you, babe.” UGHHHHHH!
My bipolar ass really wants to go bipolar on his ass and smack him around a bit. I want to yell and scream and pound on him and say “I’m right here you fucker! Why won’t you be here for me?! Why don’t I matter? Why do you always put work first and your service club first before ME? You always say family first! Well, damn it, I’m your family so why am I not FIRST?
My therapist also said that I should hold off on having a baby until these problems are settled. Blow #2! Jeez, want to cut out my heart while your at it?
Oh, and then she brings up work and how my parents show favoritism towards my brother and drag me through the mud because I’m responsible and I’m “me.” I need to work on talking with them and accerting myself. I need to demand they treat me as a more valuable employee than my brother, who is never at work, but gets paid the same as me (sometimes more).
Okay, so I left my therapist’s room dazed, stunned, shocked, raw, and miserable. I hadn’t had time to processes all that she said. So, when I saw my husband and he saw that I was obviously depressed, he asked, “So how’d it go with your therapist?” My answer was….”YOU don’t want to know” and I walked away from him. On Tuesday, I told him about our therapy session and that we needed to wait to have a baby until we work on our marriage. That I will need him to be there for the kids and me and that his coming home from work and the Club completely exhausted and mentally, emotionally, and physically detached had to stop. His answer, “Well, when we have children. It will stop. It has to.”
Um okay, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE HERE FOR ME NOW SO WE CAN EVEN POSSIBLY HAVE CHILDREN YOU ASS! YOU KINDA NEED TO HAVE SEX FIRST! Of course that is what I was THINKING, I couldn’t say it out loud. I was left stunned into silence. So I’m left with the unspeakable answer “don’t fuck with the status quo.” Guys, don’t get me wrong. I know there is something about me that he probably wants me to fix. That I also need to change to get this marriage to work, but when I don’t have ANY IDEA what that is…it leaves me with no method to make him happy. I asked him if it’s my weight, he says no, but I’m really left with the only two reasons I know that I need to change: I need to be more attractive and I need to become Suzie Homemaker. I hate cleaning and cooking, so the house is chaotic and we eat out way too much. So I can work on those things, but I have a laundry list for him that I’ve mentioned to him before BUT HE WON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! UGHHH!
What do I do? I’ve thought of leaving but that’s just like the separate bedroom thing. It still won’t affect him. I teased him about it today. He said, “I’ll miss Lucy.” (Lucy is our cat!) He’ll just miss my nightly back massages (that don’t lead to anything) that I give him mostly every night before he goes to bed. I’m really getting sick of this shit. I’m 30 years old. I want, I crave sex because I’m at my sexual peak. He’s 40 and not interested in sex. I’m going CRAZY!!!