It’s 2:45 am and I can’t sleep well. I keep waking up and finally decided to just get up and face the depression. Yes, I know I’m really depressed now. I keep crying and sleep is so hard for me for the past few days. I feel this sense of dispair and I don’t want to do anything. Even this blog is hard for me to do because I feel like writing this all down is pointless. I’ve lost the following I once had…if you can even say that. I feel like no one gives a shit about me and many of you that even bother to read this are thinking, “Boy, I just wasted a good chunck of my life reading this crap! What a whinning fat bitch!” I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I just want to give up on everything in my life right now. Don’t worry. I probably won’t. This blog is like everything else in my life though. I start it in a manic frenzie hoping upon hope that it will be as great as anything I have ever done. That it will lead me to great things, but then it slows and I get discouraged and then I stop it completely. Hey, I guess I can chaulk it up to being bipolar….no that’s not fair, not all bipolar people are this way…right?
I’m in pain. Physical pain. Eleven years of dealing and now I learned from x-rays that there is nothing wrong with my ankles…they are normal. Eleven years ago, I was told that because I was born breeched, my legs and hips developed wrong and now all my weight settles on my ankles when I stand and walk. This came from a pediatrist who said he couldn’t help me because short of breaking my legs and repositioning them, there was nothing anyone could do. Of course that was eleven years ago and the pain persisted. A few years later, I went to an orthopedic surgeon. I complained about the ankle pain and also my new knee pain. He did an MRI on my knees and found arthritis in the knee caps, fine. Physical therapy for my knees…great, but ankle pain…no big deal to them. THANKS. More pain later. Well, a lot more pain later. General practitioner sends me to physical therapy for my knees and ankles…knees feel good…ankles STILL hurt! Then the x-rays of my ankles finally, but came out NORMAL?! WTF!!! I know x-rays don’t tell you much about ligaments and tendens, but no arthritis? no bone spurs? I busted out crying! I felt hopeless. I feel hopeless. This pain will never end and I’m reminded about what the doctor said eleven years ago and never again repeated by another doctor…short of breaking my legs, I will always have this pain. Hell fucking NO! I can’t stand this. I can barely walk. I hurt all the time now. Exercise? Yeah, you can forget that bull shit! I get charlie horses trying to pedal my recumbent bike and I never can find the time to swim. I’m very limited. Very limited. I see a pediatrist tomorrow morning…or I guess this morning. I hope he can help me, but like the black magic 8 ball says, “Outlook Not So Good.”
Well, wish me luck. Headed to Seattle, WA and Yellowstone next week for a two week vacation with my husband. I’m already in tears imagining how much pain I’m going to be in. 😦
Thank you to those that bother to read this. I wish you would comment. I feel so lonely on here now. I feel like a don’t have a friend in the world right now.