The Magic 8 Ball Says…

It’s 2:45 am and I can’t sleep well. I keep waking up and finally decided to just get up and face the depression. Yes, I know I’m really depressed now. I keep crying and sleep is so hard for me for the past few days. I feel this sense of dispair and I don’t want to do anything. Even this blog is hard for me to do because I feel like writing this all down is pointless. I’ve lost the following I once had…if you can even say that. I feel like no one gives a shit about me and many of you that even bother to read this are thinking, “Boy, I just wasted a good chunck of my life reading this crap! What a whinning fat bitch!” I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I just want to give up on everything in my life right now. Don’t worry. I probably won’t. This blog is like everything else in my life though. I start it in a manic frenzie hoping upon hope that it will be asย great as anything I have ever done. That it will lead me to great things, but then it slows and I get discouraged and then I stop it completely. Hey, I guess I can chaulk it up to being bipolar….no that’s not fair, not all bipolar people are this way…right?

I’m in pain. Physical pain. Eleven years of dealing and now I learned from x-rays that there is nothing wrong with my ankles…they are normal. Eleven years ago, I was told that because I was born breeched, my legs and hips developed wrong and now all my weight settles on my ankles when I stand and walk. This came from a pediatrist who said he couldn’t help me because short of breaking my legs and repositioning them, there was nothing anyone could do. Of course that was eleven years ago and the pain persisted. A few years later, I went to an orthopedic surgeon. I complained about the ankle pain and also my new knee pain. He did an MRI on my knees and found arthritis in the knee caps, fine. Physical therapy for my knees…great, but ankle pain…no big deal to them. THANKS. More pain later. Well, a lot more pain later. General practitioner sends me to physical therapy for my knees and ankles…knees feel good…ankles STILL hurt! Then the x-rays of my ankles finally, but came out NORMAL?! WTF!!! I know x-rays don’t tell you much about ligaments and tendens, but no arthritis? no bone spurs? I busted out crying! I felt hopeless. I feel hopeless. This pain will never end and I’m reminded about what the doctor said eleven years ago and never again repeated by another doctor…short of breaking my legs, I will always have this pain. Hell fucking NO! I can’t stand this. I can barely walk. I hurt all the time now. Exercise? Yeah, you can forget that bull shit! I get charlie horses trying to pedal my recumbent bike and I never can find the time to swim. I’m very limited. Very limited. I see a pediatrist tomorrow morning…or I guess this morning. I hope he can help me, but like the black magic 8 ball says, “Outlook Not So Good.”

Well, wish me luck. Headed to Seattle, WA and Yellowstone next week for a two week vacation with my husband. I’m already in tears imagining how much pain I’m going to be in. ๐Ÿ˜ฆย 

Thank you to those that bother to read this. I wish you would comment. I feel so lonely on here now. I feel like a don’t have a friend in the world right now.


4 thoughts on “The Magic 8 Ball Says…

  1. stephanie June 28, 2011 / 3:46 AM


    I read your stuff all the time and its great, even this piece is. I’m so sorry your in so much pain and for all the trouble you have gone through thus far. Don’t give up though, You will finD the right dr. and love it once you do. I’m always here for you duals…..anytime, night or day. ๐Ÿ™‚
    P R O M I S E! Lylas, Stephanie ๐Ÿ™‚

    • mydualities June 28, 2011 / 3:59 PM

      Thanks Steph,
      I really needed to hear from you. I missed you tons. I’m glad to hear that you are still out there. The MRI of my ankles they took this morning was painful! I had to sit for 45 minutes straight while charlie horses were shooting through my right ankle because it was cramping from not able to move in its forced upright position. Bummer. But I bared the pain so they could get a clear MRI of it. I now have to wait for a while to hear about the test results. I hate wating, expecially since I probably won’t hear from the doctor until after my vacation. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I’ll call Friday with hope, but I doubt it. Thanks for your understanding. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • mydualities July 23, 2011 / 5:59 PM

      Sorry, Steph.
      I’m doing pretty good. My trip to Seattle and Yellowstone went well for the most part. My MRI showed that I have severe tendenitis around the outside of my ankles, so the staroids dr. gave me helped for a little while, but when I was on the beach at Ocean Shores, WA, I tripped and stumbled into a hole and hurt my ankle again. That was at the end of the trip, so it wasn’t so bad. It was GREAT while it lasted!!

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