We had to put my beloved cat down today. She is now experiencing her eternal slumber. At this moment, I wish I could join her.
I love you. I miss you. I’ll always think of you when I start getting angry. You always tried to calm me when I became emotional. Now, you’re not here when I’m at my lowest. Thank you for eighteen wonderful years of helping me through all my highs and lows. Sweet Dreams.
I’ve finished reading another good book. I wish I could say that I finished “writing” another good book, but I never seem to finish what I’ve started. I’m all fired up when I start, then I just stop hoping to find a solution to the abyss I’ve stumbled into. My plot took a turn that led to too many possibilities…no focus. Go figure.
Recently, I was thinking of picking back up the novel I stopped writing. I mentioned it to my mom, but she actually looked scared. She responded that I shouldn’t because I always start writing when I’m depressed which leads me into a manic episode. (—always? I think that’s extreme.)
I responded that the mood causes me to want to write not the writing causing the mood but I’m probably wrong. As I think about it, I see that right now I am pretty depressed…most definently on Friday. It is very situational for me right now, so it’s understandable. Here are some reasons why:
- Learned that my cat of 18 years has cancer and she has a month before the vet wants to put her down.
- My ankle pain is back.
- We are having family issues at work (family owned).
- My husband and I were on a 2 week vacation and still no sex.
- One of my email accounts was hacked and sent a virus link to everyone in my address book.
- Two computers at work crashed with that virus.
- I’m sure there’s more, but I don’t want to think about it.
Ugh! I can’t win. I know my life could be worse, but I’m losing my sense of hope for the future that always bounced me back out of this depression.
If I get too deep, which I was pretty bad on Friday, my mood has a tendency to fight hard to put me into a manic episode.
Writing now has helped me realize something, my mood doesn’t feel as desolate as it did Friday. I read an entire novel since then and I really want to write. I think my mood has shifted into battle mode. Depression doesn’t set in too long with me before I feel anxiety and nervous energy taking its place. Next, I find that shimmer of hope, which seems to always be connected to my writing, and BAM…
Well, at least I’m aware of the situation. Should I avoid writing then or should I embrace it? My writing is always at its best when facing this type of pressure. Right now, I could use an escape from reality.