I guess you can say I’ve given up on a lot of things lately. I don’t know what is wrong with me. My bipolar tendencies have turned to the realm of the undead I suppose. I’m not even close to being manic. Am I “normal”…oh sorry…”stable”? Maybe, but I doubt it. I’m not suicidal. Am I depressed? A level of it, yes, I think. I’m in the “I don’t care, but I know I should” state of existence. It is hard for me to get up in the morning, but when I do surface, I go with the motions. I can’t seem to consentrate on things to the degree I need to sometimes, so shit isn’t getting done.
My relationship with my husband…epitomy of “I don’t care, but I know I should” at this point. I haven’t felt close romantically to my husband in a while. (That’s an understatement.) I’m not cheating and he’s not cheating. That’s not the problem. We are best friends, but just not with the benefits anymore. I know I should miss that, but lately I’ve stopped caring in getting the status quo to change.
I also stopped seeing my therapist. She left the practice and I haven’t made the effort to find a new one. I just don’t care.
I can’t seem to read lately or even listen to audiobooks.
Writing? Yeah, right! That creative canvas is utterly blank.
I’m realizing that I’ve needed to write all this down for a while. I never noticed before that I’m definitely depressed and I need to watch out for falling deeper into the “I just don’t care” realm to the next level. I don’t even know what that level is. What is worse than not caring anymore?
Yes, I’m bipolar, but depression is a side I don’t see very often. I’m the manic bipolar with psychotic tendencies. I fight depression usually and it kicks me quickly into mania then rapidly into psychosis. I guess I should worry more about getting “happy” then. Problem is…right now I feel… nothing. I’m analyzing things and I just wish I didn’t feel a life with no hope.
My sister is encouraging me to start Weight Watchers. I need to do it. I know this. I’ve become the human blob. My problem is is that my mood doesn’t …yep you guessed it…care. I count points one minute, then give up the next. It’s my first week, so maybe I’ll use this blog more often again to journal about my experience with it. Would you like that? Or is it just a waste of time because nobody gives a shit about me.