For the last couple of days, I have been home alone after work. I feel this pit of despair so keenly right now that I just want to cry. I hate my life. I hate this shell of a body. I sometimes imagine taking a knife and cutting away the fat myself. I’ve never had these thoughts and feelings before. I want to cut. I want the pain of ripping myself to pieces. Anything else than the constant feeling of “I don’t care.” Anything to stop telling people no I can’t because of my weight or ankles or knees or asthma. I just want it to end!
I know these feelings are not good. I should see my psychiatrist or a therapist. But what the hell can they do really? “That’s not good…here’s some more pills.” Damn it! I am so sick of pills all the time. I keep hearing about lithium will shut down my kidneys one day, its just a matter of time. Oh great. Just something else I can f*&king look forward to. DAMN IT ALL to HELL!
Ok…I need to stop. This sure as f*&k isn’t helping.