The Pit of Despair


For the last couple of days, I have been home alone after work. I feel this pit of despair so keenly right now that I just want to cry. I hate my life. I hate this shell of a body. I sometimes imagine taking a knife and cutting away the fat myself. I’ve never had these thoughts and feelings before. I want to cut. I want the pain of ripping myself to pieces. Anything else than the constant feeling of “I don’t care.” Anything to stop telling people no I can’t because of my weight or ankles or knees or asthma. I just want it to end!

I know these feelings are not good. I should see my psychiatrist or a therapist. But what the hell can they do really? “That’s not good…here’s some more pills.” Damn it! I am so sick of pills all the time. I keep hearing about lithium will shut down my kidneys one day, its just a matter of time. Oh great. Just something else I can f*&king look forward to. DAMN IT ALL to HELL!

Ok…I need to stop. This sure as f*&k isn’t helping.

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4 thoughts on “The Pit of Despair

  1. Stephanie May 9, 2012 / 8:19 PM

    Damn girl…. I feel for you, I really do. 😦 My life f*cking SUCKS right now too, for different reasons, but it does, so I can so totally relate to the feelings of dispair. I want to blog about it so bad, but I don’t know if I should or not. Hang in there girl with me… this too shall pass. Right?

    • mydualities May 11, 2012 / 10:58 AM

      Thanks Steph,
      Yes the depression is a lot better now. I’m not feeling so bad anymore. However, situation is still the same that led me to feeling the depression so keenly when my meds were changed. Now I’m back to the feeling of “don’t care, even though I know I should.” I’m in denial. That’s for damn sure. Oh well. There is no such thing as gravity; the world just sucks. LOL! 🙂

      TTYL,
      Duals

  2. Stephanie May 11, 2012 / 8:40 PM

    I can totally agree with you there girl, the world does suck! Why does everything have to be so damn hard?? I’m trying my best not to slip into depression but its nipping at my heals every second of every day trying its best to pull me under, and I can slowly feel myself slipping in that direction. 😦 UGH…. I don’t wanna go there!

    • mydualities May 26, 2012 / 1:05 PM

      Stephanie,
      I know the feeling so well. I feel better now, but I’m afraid I’m slowing turning to mania now. I think I’m fine still. Stable, but mania can slip in fast, so I’m scared even more of that than depression. It’s harder for me to recover from a psychotic/manic episode than a depressive one. But that is me.

      I hope you cheer up. I hope life starts handing you daisies.
      Duals

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