They Drive Me Crazy!

Maya Angelou quoteRight now I feel worthless. I don’t make anyone feel anything.

I don’t know.

WAIT!!!!

Why do I let them do this to me?

One moment I wanted to fly. The sun shined and I wanted to sing, something I haven’t done really in a long time.

Then a day with the family…and I’m living in a dark cloud of torment. Mediocre, worthless, stupid, irrational, lazy…all feelings I felt because of how my brother and father made me feel. Oh, did I mention that I’m female so I’m not good enough to run the company mainly because of that, even though I’ve been running the company without them these past five months. Now, they think that they can claim all the glory now that the company is doing better. Better…not great yet, but it looks very promising. Except no one wants to take my advice in anything. I can do the work, but they have to direct me.

I can’t stand being patronized all the time! Working in a family business really sucks. FYI!

Anyway, I liked this quote by Maya Angelou (the picture) because it rings so true to me. I won’t remember what they say to me or what they really did, but how they are making me feel drives me crazy!

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When It Rains, It Pours!

playing in rainGoing to Florida for a vacation proved to be the best thing I could have done. I left work thinking we were going to have to close the doors after twenty-seven years in business. I could feel the close approach of a mixed episode eating away at me due to the stress. I could cry at the drop of a hat, but sleep didn’t want anything to do with me.

While in Florida, I received great news that we won’t have to close the doors after all. In fact, we need to speed up production and I have to work my tail off! I’m so excited now! Thank you, God! I was really worried.

We returned home at two in the morning after driving two days straight. Florida to Northern Illinois is one hell of a long drive!

Today, I heard even better news for work. I’m on cloud nine! Whoo Hoooooo! BUT SO MUCH WORK for me to do! Dang. It’s a like a Catch-22.

Now all I can say is…. When it rains, it pours.

Duals

Can’t F#*king Breathe

Falling…soaring…breathe just breathe. My emotions sing but I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed but I can’t shut down. Fear.  It leads me to move on.  To where? I don’t know. I have no plans for the future. More of the same I guess, but oh do I want to do so much, but my body prevents me from doing them.

My asthma claws at my throat, choking me. I wheeze as I write this to you. Reaching out to no one in particular since no one cares. I started this blog hoping to make a difference to help me and maybe others understand bipolar disorder. I obviously failed. Oh well.

I write to write. Chop off my arm first if you want me to stop. I know I suck, but read away.

I just want to sleep more. I came down to Florida to relax but I can’t sleep. Yesterday, we arrived. Hopefully, my moods level out. But I forgot my asthma inhaler in Illinois. I hope I can get another one.

Stay tuned…

The Snap

C.S. Lewis quoteLately, I’ve been thinking more about God and why things happen. I found this motivational quote and fell in love with it. I truly believe that God puts obsticles and terrible trauma into our life to teach us some type of life lesson.

Does he give us more than we can handle? Well, I think he does in some cases. I don’t really know though. Maybe he does know how far he can take us, but I think our limits can be pushed too far. I guess what I’m saying is that when I went into my first and third psychotic episode I obviously was pushed too far. I felt the snap.

Snap? My younger sister, who is also bipolar with psychotic tendencies, said it best. She described it as people and things push and push at you so hard and fast that you feel yourself snap. The snap breaks you. You lose your sense of self during that point. She thinks you never quite return to your “normal” self. But then again, she no longer believes in Jesus and God anymore. Her life has been harder than mine and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. It took her fifteen years to be properly diagnosed as Bipolar I disorder after her first psychotic episode a few years back. It took me five hours. Of course, no one believed me when I thought she was bipolar after doing research on bipolar disorder for my own self in 2007. They still treated her for treatment resistant major depression.

But who am I? I’m a big nobody in this world of medicine and doctors. I honestly was thinking of becoming a social worker or therapist. You know, go back to school, but my family doesn’t think I can handle anyone else’s problems. I’m way too empathetic, but isn’t that what you need to be a good therapist? What does qualify for a good therapist? I would like to know. I’ve only had two and I think sometimes my writing did a better job then they did. Now I’m without, but I know I need to find one soon. I can tell by my writing lately, that I might be getting close to another snap.

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

award-very-inspirational-bloggerWHOOHOO!

Thank you Kevin from  http://voicesofglass.com/ for surprising me with the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” I am very honored.

The following are the rules for this award, so that everyone can understand what I’m doing with this post.

1. Display the Award Certificate on your website.

2. Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award.

3. Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers (I’m going to be working on that.)

4. Drop them a comment to tip them off after you’ve linked them in the post.

5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

 

Now since the rules are explained, I’m now going to give you 7 interesting things about me. (I hope.)

1. I was diagnosed as bipolar I with psychotic tendencies in 1999 due to the surprising onset of my first and, soon to follow, second psychotic episode.

2. I have only had 3 psychotic episodes.

First time: Dec. 1999 when I told my Oral Communications class off during finals and told them we needed to prepare for a racial war to hit U.S. soil. I thought I was God’s messenger.

Second time: Feb. 2000 when I wasn’t totally healed, tried to go back to college, and thought the television was talking to me

Third time: Sept. 2009 when I went off Lithium and Abilify to try to have a baby and only was on Lamictal during those six months. I convinced myself that I needed to become a martyr to help bipolar people in this world not have to suffer from Stigma anymore. Let’s just say that didn’t work. Never did get pregnant either. 😦

3. I’m a twin.

4. I taught high school English for three years.

5. I’m heavily involved in the Lions Club.

6. I love writing, but have never finished a book or published anything. This blog is as far as I’ve gotten.

7. Ummm…. I’m very close to my family. We mostly all work and own a company together.

 

Okay, so I hope these facts about me were interesting to you . Thank you Kevin for your support.

Best Wishes to all!

Duals

 

My Happy Life

Albert Einstein QuoteI often tell my younger sister that she needs to find a goal in life. She lives for other people, instead of herself. It saddens me.

But am I much different? Do I have a goal in life?

Since third grade, I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to be a famous author like Dr. Seuss or Jane Austen and Edgar Allen Poe. I teetered with the idea of becoming a lawyer in high school, but I always wanted to be a writer. I spent my first year of college trying to absorb as much information about writing as I could, but when my first psychotic episode occured, my dad put his foot down. I had to choose a “stable” career. He chose English teacher for me.

Stable? Hahahahahahahahahaha! That was as stable as I am without my meds. I gave up writing and was convinced by my psychiatrists and family that writing was one of my triggers. In 2007, I returned to writing after being away from it for eight years. Boy, was I rusty! I’m slowly getting better. In 2009, I went through another psychotic episode. Any connection? I don’t know.

Writing and getting published are my goals once again, but will I accomplish my goals?

We will see.

But one thing I know, psychotic episodes are just another obsticle that I may have to go through to achieve “my happy life.”

Duals