The Snap

C.S. Lewis quoteLately, I’ve been thinking more about God and why things happen. I found this motivational quote and fell in love with it. I truly believe that God puts obsticles and terrible trauma into our life to teach us some type of life lesson.

Does he give us more than we can handle? Well, I think he does in some cases. I don’t really know though. Maybe he does know how far he can take us, but I think our limits can be pushed too far. I guess what I’m saying is that when I went into my first and third psychotic episode I obviously was pushed too far. I felt the snap.

Snap? My younger sister, who is also bipolar with psychotic tendencies, said it best. She described it as people and things push and push at you so hard and fast that you feel yourself snap. The snap breaks you. You lose your sense of self during that point. She thinks you never quite return to your “normal” self. But then again, she no longer believes in Jesus and God anymore. Her life has been harder than mine and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. It took her fifteen years to be properly diagnosed as Bipolar I disorder after her first psychotic episode a few years back. It took me five hours. Of course, no one believed me when I thought she was bipolar after doing research on bipolar disorder for my own self in 2007. They still treated her for treatment resistant major depression.

But who am I? I’m a big nobody in this world of medicine and doctors. I honestly was thinking of becoming a social worker or therapist. You know, go back to school, but my family doesn’t think I can handle anyone else’s problems. I’m way too empathetic, but isn’t that what you need to be a good therapist? What does qualify for a good therapist? I would like to know. I’ve only had two and I think sometimes my writing did a better job then they did. Now I’m without, but I know I need to find one soon. I can tell by my writing lately, that I might be getting close to another snap.


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