I’m worried about work again. I’m worried about my marriage. I’m worried about life in general for me. I keep letting things stay the same without instigating any change. I know that is not good to ignore the problems and not try to come up with any solutions.
I guess I’m taking life one oblivion at a time. If I’m oblivious to the problem, I don’t need a solution right? You know what…that’s totally false. I am not oblivious to the problems. I just choose not to deal with them.
I NEED to loose weight, but I don’t WANT to go through the pain. But the pain I go through daily because of my weight also needs to stop.
I ignore the problems that I feel in my marriage because I don’t want to hurt my husband. I want to feel again. I want to feel close to him again, but I don’t think he wants to be close to me. I feel him slipping away. Is it because he is no longer attracted to me? Am I not desirable anymore? That is another reason I must lose weight.
Then there is my work…always possibilities, but no clear path. Work is such a roller coaster that I try not to be reactionary, but with my dad still the boss, I have to follow, not lead. Being proactive with my dad is a waste of time. Even reactionary can be a waste. I just can only wait and then follow; however, my dad then bitches that he can’t rely on anyone but himself to run the company. PAIN!!!
I’m even this way with my bipolar disorder. I use to be more proactive. I use to keep a mood chart and see a therapist every week. Now I stuff my bipolar disorder under the rug and act like… “I’m fine. There is nothing wrong with me. If I ignore it, maybe it will go away.” The greatest lengths I take towards my bipolar disorder is routinely taking my meds. At least I think I’m stable enough now, but when I go back to writing, will that change?
I need to write again, but I’m blanking. I hate writer’s block.
Well, in reference to Marilyn’s quote, I obviously have the falling apart thing down pat. Now, if only I can see the things that will fall together. But wait….Is things really falling apart for me right now or am I really just stuck in limbo until I actually do decide to make a change in my life? Damn. Where should I start?