Looking for Some Help

Write psychoticAs I work on my novel, I think back to a lot of what happened to me with my bipolar disorder psychotic episodes. I realize that I wasn’t like many bipolar people then and now. I wonder why. I’m writing the first section of my book like a memoir and those that are reading it are surprised by her psychotic tendencies and say that that isn’t bipolar disorder, that is something else. That surprised me.


I opened up about my bipolar disorder to my Writer’s group, but I realize that I am not portraying a wide variety of those that are bipolar in my book. I’m centered only on my reactions and my experiences. My group and many people who get to know me tell me that I “don’t act bipolar.” What do they mean by that? How am I suppose to act? That irritates me. How would they know?

Do bipolar people have such a bad reputation that people expect us to be flying off our seats or crying in the corner ALL the time?

Fuck that!

One thing that my first psychiatrist told me is that I am unusual because I have a very high IQ for empathy. I ignored what he meant by that, but now I’m wondering. How does that make me different? Am I different? Or just damn lucky I found the right medicine cocktail right off the bat.

However, I’m worried. I have never had my kidneys tested, I think. My sister who is also bipolar just did and her kidney functions are low. It could be caused from the lithium, but it mostly is the fact that she has been popping anti-inflammatory like they were candy. But still, I’ve been on lithium ten years longer than she has. What if….

I don’t want to even think about it right now. Scary Thought!

So, I would love to hear from others if you can identify from my post how I am different. I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m not dramatic enough at times, but too extreme other times.

Looking for some help in understanding.

Thanks, Duals



3 thoughts on “Looking for Some Help

  1. sterlinggracemcnaughton February 20, 2014 / 5:23 PM

    Hi there! Just found your blog today, and thought I’d comment.

    That must have been infuriating for you… Unfortunately people seem to group women/men into one big symptomfest when they find out they struggle with Bipolar disease. I think they forget that we can be struggling silently, so yes, maybe that image of the extreme ups and down ARE happening, but not vocally. I honestly internalize a lot of my outbursts which in my own experience cause more conflict with myself in the end, but it does happen. I hope you can forgive them for their silly ignorance; I know I’m guilty of it myself when dealing with different disorders I “think” I know all about.

    I think it’s wonderful you’re writing a book. Please keep up the good work, I’ll be following your blog from now on!

    • mydualities February 26, 2014 / 12:23 PM

      Thank you for your insight! It is great hearing from someone that knows what it is like. I agree that a lot of what we go through is internal and that many people really don’t understand. I hope to hear from you again.

  2. Celia Trout April 1, 2014 / 12:11 PM

    Why are you worried about fitting into a pre-labeled box? Break out. Reading “Manic” now and enjoying it greatly. Carry on!

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