The Sacrificial Lamb

sacrifice-perfect-you-Perfection-inspire-QuotesI guess today marks my 5 year anniversary of blogging. I started this blog when I was manic, coming down from a mild episode of psychosis. Yeah, okay…how can psychosis be “mild.” I guess I call it mild because I recognized the signs right away and had my husband take me to the hospital before I lost complete control. However, I did lose control in the controlled environment, so it didn’t get too bad. I remember thinking that I needed to turn myself into “scientists” so they could study me then kill me for the sake of research. I had it in my mind that I needed to die to save people with bipolar disorder from suffering anymore.

Yeah, that’s me. The sacrificial lamb. Looking back on it, I see I was crazy to think that my life could make any dent in the stigma that plagues bipolar people. Even coming down from that extreme high, I felt like I had to make a difference somehow. I started this blog thinking that I would have a million hits by the end of the month and people will finally realize that bipolar people may be unique, but pretty cool to get to know. People would see that there are so many of us out there and that those without bipolar disorder could see that we are people. That we want the same things they do. However, so many of us with bipolar disorder still think we have to hide. That we have to be ashamed.

It’s so sad.

It’s sad that no one thinks to care until someone dies. Then we are remembered in a negative light. 😦 No one praises our abilities or even those that have the disorder and are making a difference. It’s enough to make me want to cry.

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For Dear Life

Cat hanging in thereFor the last four days, I’ve been taking care of my twin sister after her knee and wrist surgery. It’s amazing how exhausted I feel today. I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed for a change. I miss my husband and my cat. I’m excited that I will see them tonight. My sister is doing a lot better, so my other sister is going to take over for me. I might have to come back in a couple of days, but I just need to return home.  I’m already terribly homesick.

I’m itching to write again, but haven’t found the time. I changed a couple of scenes near the end of my book, but now I have to write a whole new ending. Oops. Actually, my new idea for the ending is a lot better. I think. Gosh! I wish I could ask someone what they think about this drastic change. I just want to pound my head into the wall now. So much to change. I will never finish this book I am writing. A part of me just wants to give up on it and stop writing. Then I realize that I’d be giving up on the one thing in my life that I actually enjoy doing more than reading.

Grr! I can’t let work or that service organization take up too much of my life. I need to hold on to my dream for dear life. I can’t let myself get too bogged down or too discouraged about my writing.