Now? OMG. I really thought he had decided he didn’t want children, so I was resigned to that fact.
He asked me later how I was doing. I told him the truth…I’m freaking out!
I want children…I do. But children changes everything! Our life would never be the same. I would have to devote my time to the baby.
I’d have to juggle time to cleaning and taking care of them baby, instead of worrying about work, the service club, my writing, my writers groups, and just finding the time to read a good book once in a while.
Plus I’m so scared about my health.
I’d have to stop my lithium. Last time we tried, I changed my meds to lamictol before we conceived. Six months with no luck in getting pregnant, but I won a trip to the psychiatric hospital instead. I was psychotic, believing that I needed to die to save those with bipolar disorder by donating my body to scientists. The thought of lasting nine months without lithium scares the shit out of me…WTF will I do if I go psychotic while pregnant?
I’d have to get my psychiatrist on board with this…pretty sure she’s going to freak out.
I need to find a OBGYN.
Holy Shit! I’m already freaking out and he just told me his plans yesterday!
PLUS…I’m not the only one that will have to change. Does he not realize that he needs to actually be intimate with me to achieve a baby?
His constant attachment to video games when he’s not at work will have to change. Does he know that?
Having a baby would be a blessing. To have a little one love me with all his or her heart brings tears to my eyes. I just worry about what the cost might be. I don’t want to even think of my child growing up and going through the fear and torment I went through when I learned I was bipolar with psychotic tendencies.
You can’t predict the future, you can only learn from the past, but figuring out what to do in the present… scares me.