No Concept

DSCN3930Well, my psychiatrist freaked out about my inability to sleep through the night because of potty time and my irritability. I was so shocked by her complete lack of calm that I knew I couldn’t tell her that my husband and I want to start trying to have a baby. I think she would have dropped with a heart attack if I added that to my list of issues. She started spatting off different drugs and couldn’t think of one for bipolar mania that was better than lithium and that wouldn’t make me gain weight. She was freaking out about that too. She asked me if I was at least dieting and exercising. Was I at least trying?

I flat out told her no. Yes, I’m fucking huge. I recognize that, but I just don’t connect with the need to change my whole existence to lose weight.

She looked like she wanted to scream when I told her that.

So, because she looked like she was going to blow, I told her that if we lower my lithium dose right now and see how I handle that, then we can consider changing my meds. She calmed down and I left. In and out in 10 minutes. Holy crap.

If I’m manic right now, then she seriously needs to take a chill pill herself.

When this all came down, I was slightly manic that day though. I had spent my day gaining access to my childhood home that I lived in for 23 years because the tenants supposedly abandoned the place without telling us. I found holes in the walls, busted doors and windows, trash scattered, and dog feces and urine everywhere. I learned that four dogs were left in the house for four weeks without being allowed outside. Let’s just say that I was very happy I didn’t eat that day.

Still dealing with the drama of that mess. Yuck! I’m not happy. I’m allergic to dogs, so I don’t care for them much even though I think they are so cute, but the cruelty of locking up four dogs in a house for that long astounds me. People are sick!

Seeing the place I grew up in be destroyed like that really affected me. It took me six days to calm down enough to sleep without waking from nightmares of what I saw and thinking about what I should do.

It’s amazing how people can lie and manipulate to get what they want, but have no concept of how they hurt and damage other people with their actions in the process.

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No Sleep…That’s Only the Beginning

zombi bunnyI’m jealous. I see others on twitter excited about doing NaNoWriMo this month and writing their hearts out. I wanted to join my name in their ranks and forget about all that I have to do to concentrate on writing, but I didn’t. So now I have some time to write and what do I do? Sit and stare. No inspiration is coming. I feel so tired right now though. It is a chore just thinking of what to write on this blog.

Sunday morning, I forgot to take my meds which includes my Lithium. Oops. I didn’t realize it until about 7pm when I felt so drained and had a huge headache. Too late to take them then. When Monday morning came, I was shocked. I slept all through the night without waking up once to go to the bathroom. I felt energized and awake for the first time in a while. I usually wake up 2-3 times a night. I knew that my dry mouth and frequent urination didn’t start until after my psychiatrist increased my Lithium from 900mg a day to 1200mg, to 1500mg ER, and now to 1800mg ER. I told my Endocrinologist that I had those symptoms but she thought it was the Lithium increase. I told my psychiatrist who said it had to be that I was diabetic already and my endocrinologist wasn’t doing her job because I could not possibly be having issues with the lithium. My level was too low.

WTF! I’m sick of people not listening to me because I don’t have MD at the end of my name! I told my current psych that in 2000 I suffered from Lithium toxicity and became psychotic because of it, but I did not know what my lithium level was. Ever since, ALL my psychiatrists have always kept my lithium level low. If they believe me to be stable enough, why mess with it? No, she thinks she has to up my lithium because she took me off of my abilify. Then after upping it, I complained I was getting depressed which is not like me. So she upped it more. Now I can’t sleep, I’m irritable, and I so very tired. I just want to go to sleep.

Because of sleeping through the night because I forgot to take my lithium, I now have proof that my hypothesis on the increase of lithium is right. I’m less stable than I was before because I’m not getting enough sleep. I see my psych next week. If she doesn’t decrease my lithium, I’m going to have to go to another psychiatrist. I can’t handle not getting enough sleep at night anymore. I know that at this rate not sleeping is not the only thing I have to worry about.