Wait for it…

If life could get worse for me, it will.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but sex has never been very important to my husband. For the last 3.5 years we hadn’t had sex, but a few weeks back, that changed. My husband was finally in the mood after a 10 day trip away. Did I tell him no? Of course not. I was so excited and well, not thinking.

So, now I’m a week late. I’m going to take the pee-on-a-stick test tonight, but before I do. I wanted to write down my thoughts.

Do I want a baby? No. Yes. No. Oh hell no. Maybe. UGH!!!

Being bipolar, I am so afraid of causing my baby any health conditions. Birth defects can happen.

Plus, the stress I’m in right now. I can’t afford to go crazy when I’m pregnant. I’m so scared.

Why am I under stress? My previous employment is no more, so I have to find a job. We just sold our house and have to be out by the end of April, but we don’t have another house to move into yet. The club I’m in is adding more and more responsibility to me. I’m so busy and then I don’t get appreciated at our convention. Thanks!

To make matters worse, my best friend and sister has tried to commit suicide 3x in the past month. My heart screams thinking about it. I was gone her first try, but she just threw up all the pills and slept it off. The second time, I noticed her texts to me were unusual so I asked my other sister to check on her and we realized she lied to both of us and went off on her own. My sister got to her first and called the ambulance just in time. I lived an hour away and had no hope of getting to her in time. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital. Then a few days later, she made a good plan, but she decided to ask for help instead of carrying it out. Now she’s back in the hospital.

All this pain in losing my family company and almost losing my sister is crushing me because now I’m just waiting for the bomb to take me out.

Oh wait. Am I pregnant?

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

Why hello! How are you all doing today? I’m exhausted from a long and busy 4th of July weekend, but all went well. I’ve been keeping myself really busy with work and with my service organization. Plus, I’m trying to pick up my writing again, but sometimes I don’t have time. I wish my writing would be able to come first in my life, but that seems to be impossible right now.

Work is slow in business, but I’ve been busy trying to generate more business. Being part owner of a company is exhausting!

So how are my moods? At times, I feel depression setting in. All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. Then I have moments where I feel all the pressure of getting things done and I can feel things faltering all around me. I can feel the tug of mania and I have to force myself to stop and settle down. Take things one step at a time.

My husband always asks me when I feel so overwhelmed, “How do you eat an elephant?”

“Yuck!” I answer.

He laughs and says, “One bite at a time.”

At first I had to think about that. What if you don’t have time to take only one bite? Then I thought, well how else do you eat it? It’s not like you can take more than one bite at a time without killing yourself. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to admit that he can be so rational when I’m running around with my head cut off.

He also says I have to learn to say “NO.” Yeah. Let me know how you do that, because I haven’t got a clue. Besides, he’s one to talk. He’s the one who got me into this service organization in the first place.

In all actuality, I’m surprised I’m as sane as I am right now. With all the pressure I’m under, I might be about to break though.

 

Not Falling…Yet. I think.

Cat hanging in thereHow is everything? I’m sure you’re wondering. I am too, by the way.

My husband is still looking for a job. He refuses to work with me at my parents’ company. I don’t blame him though. I don’t want to work there either most of the time. I’m so over stressed that I’m surprised I’m not falling into psychosis again.

Of course that’s the most likely thing to happen to me right now. Let’s add insult to injury…sorry for the cliché.

I’ve started writing another novel. I’m so happy when I’m writing in a different world. I don’t like writing about my life anymore. Sorry everyone. That’s mainly why I’m never really on here anymore. Real life is not nearly as exciting as world building and character arcs.

I wish I could write fulltime everyday. I’m sure many people wish that, but not many are able to do that. I know I’m never going to be able to, mainly because I’m not that good. I’m never finished a book worth reading before. I did finish one that the Beta readers said it was like reading two different books, so I shelved it. If I had a fireplace, I would have burned it. Now onto a different genre with this novel. Hopefully it goes better for me.

Wallow

I want to wallow in my misery.

I hate the fact that life has taken a change for the worse. I’m afraid it might just get so much worse before it is all said and done. With my husband’s job search, we might have to relocate, but how can I?

I run my parent’s company. My husband thinks my job isn’t important. My company is replaceable, not me, but my family will just have to deal without me or fold the company.

I told him I’d relocate before he lost his job, but now I don’t want to unless the job offer is perfect for him. I don’t think that will happen. I can see this tearing our marriage apart and all I can do is feel this hatred for the assholes that let him go just before the holidays.

Turning into the Grinch

yt_grinch_mdAgain I left this blog far too long.

Work is improving for me in respect that I get to control the reigns again because they are going back to Florida…sorta. My dad keeps postponing leaving because he started remodeling and everything is still a mess. My mom left, leaving me to clean up the mess in the offices. I’m waiting to see how long my dad can handle the cold weather that is promising to greet us this weekend. I have a feeling I’m going to be left with a ton more work to do than usual.

At least they do recognize that my brother no longer is my equal, so I did get a raise and a higher title than him….about time, until he finds out of course. They’re not going to tell him. Fantastic. Leave me to deal with that too.

The Holiday season isn’t going to be good for my husband and me. My husband is now looking for a new job. We have some money saved, but that isn’t much. I don’t know what we are going to do about Christmas presents for us and our families, but I’m hoping my mood doesn’t turn me into the Grinch.

Smoldering

smoldering woodsSorry it has been so long since I’ve written. I sometimes wonder if anyone reads these anyway, so I don’t bother as often as I should.

The last post I talked about my dad’s health. Amazingly, my dad is so much better after surgery. He’s back hard at work, which is great because we are busier than we’ve been in years.

Now, I find it odd. I was so worried about what I will have to worry about in the future if my dad did pass away, that I didn’t bother about thinking about the future if my dad came out of his health issues …healthy. I feel like my parents want everything to go back to how it was before my dad got sick. They want control of everything and see me as another child of theirs that is living off them. They don’t recognize or care that I work my ass off for the company and get treated the same as my brother who hasn’t been at work the last month even though I’ve been working 55 hour weeks including Saturdays.

I’m not bitter. I’m not. The fuck I’m not.

I’m so angry. I want to just walk away and say, “Here you go. Have fun with that. Oh, you don’t know how? Then go suck it.”

I just can’t seem to walk away. What the hell? I never wanted to work for my father’s company since the day I started working there at 13 sorting bolts and sweeping floors. I went to college majoring in English believing it would be the farthest career path away from them. Taught 3 years in Hell and then came back with my tale between my legs. Now, 10 years later, I’m now running things mostly but my parents don’t think I’m doing a good enough job. They want control again, but they want me to do the work since they don’t seem to know how anymore. I’m doing 5 people’s jobs and my brother is never there, but they think we should be equal because they shouldn’t pick favorites. Isn’t that what their doing?

I told them 6 years ago I wanted this situation changed. They completely ignored me and let this shit continue. Meanwhile, my anger is smoldering.

Whirlwind Uproar

Cat hanging in thereThis year is a major whirlwind. Work is so busy that I haven’t had time to do much of anything lately. Moods are semi-stable. No problems there really at this point, but I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop. I did hurt my back recently, so I see a chiropractor who is making it better.

My health is being a pain, but taking a back burner. I’ve been really worried about my dad. His health is still deteriorating and I am so afraid that he may only have months left instead of a few years. I’m so scared that I prefer not to think about what will happen. Work will seriously suffer when my dad passes away. I will be okay since I’m lucky my husband has a good paying and stable job, but my family depends on the family business. I’m afraid for them. Many people ask me why I work because I obviously don’t need to, I say that it’s because I love my family and know that they need me. However, we all depend on my dad on so many levels that if he is no longer with us…

Breathe.

Okay. That’s enough of thinking about that. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Planning for the future also seems impossible at this point too.

Just Breathe.