The Sacrificial Lamb

sacrifice-perfect-you-Perfection-inspire-QuotesI guess today marks my 5 year anniversary of blogging. I started this blog when I was manic, coming down from a mild episode of psychosis. Yeah, okay…how can psychosis be “mild.” I guess I call it mild because I recognized the signs right away and had my husband take me to the hospital before I lost complete control. However, I did lose control in the controlled environment, so it didn’t get too bad. I remember thinking that I needed to turn myself into “scientists” so they could study me then kill me for the sake of research. I had it in my mind that I needed to die to save people with bipolar disorder from suffering anymore.

Yeah, that’s me. The sacrificial lamb. Looking back on it, I see I was crazy to think that my life could make any dent in the stigma that plagues bipolar people. Even coming down from that extreme high, I felt like I had to make a difference somehow. I started this blog thinking that I would have a million hits by the end of the month and people will finally realize that bipolar people may be unique, but pretty cool to get to know. People would see that there are so many of us out there and that those without bipolar disorder could see that we are people. That we want the same things they do. However, so many of us with bipolar disorder still think we have to hide. That we have to be ashamed.

It’s so sad.

It’s sad that no one thinks to care until someone dies. Then we are remembered in a negative light. 😦 No one praises our abilities or even those that have the disorder and are making a difference. It’s enough to make me want to cry.

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Who’s Behind that Curtain?

Tongue out emoticonI’m a freakin’ idiot!

I can’t sleep all through the night and of course I don’t take Melatonin to help me sleep like my psychiatrist told me to. Ugh! It’s like I want to go manic or psychotic. Maybe I do. I miss that feeling of euphoria and the creativity that goes with it.

But I can’t afford to lose my mind right now. I need to keep control. I need to FINISH my novel. I need to work on getting it published. I need to achieve my dream!

I want to know that my dream to be a writer in high school really did come true. Even though I let road blocks be thrown in my way of that dream, I want to know that I eventually pushed them aside and realized it. I want to look on a shelf and see my name smiling back at me.

I was thinking about using a pen name, but I realized that I don’t want to do that. I want people to know that I wrote that. I don’t care that it might lead people to meddle into my personal life. I want to be an open book. I want to announce of this blog even that…guess what…I have been writing on here for almost five years.

I write blog after blog with little interaction from people. I crave the notoriety. But not many of my posts are read. I am gaining followers slowly and I thank you all for that. I just wish you’d say hi and tell me a little bit about yourself and what attracted you to my blog. How can I make my blog more appealing? Should I identify who I really am? I don’t remember my reasoning for hiding it anymore. I really don’t.

I feel like I could do so much more by revealing who I am. I feel like people that know me will see that being bipolar isn’t as bad as people portray it to be sometimes. I believe I am a good example of someone that has a mental illness, but does not let it control her life. I find it funny when I tell people I’m bipolar and they say…wow, you don’t act bipolar.

Yes. Yes I do. Pay attention next time.

SO, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, DO I REVEAL THE PERSON BEHIND THE CURTAIN? MY DUALITIES IS….

Are You Ready to Rumble?

depressed girlYesterday, I worked on my book. I love writing. I can’t wait to clean up the one I’m working on now and move on to my next project.

[Sigh] That is how I know I’m dangerously close to mania. Maybe even psychotic…soon. I just received my blood workup for my psychiatrist. My vitamin D is very low, my lithium level is low, my WBC is high and my red blood cells are low and I’m anemic. That sounds about right. I should be spiraling into depression, but when I feel like crap…that is when my mania comes out.

But I do feel like crap. Maybe I’ll become suicidal…I doubt that though. I’m too excited about my book.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I was told to start taking Melatonin for that. Does anyone like/hate taking that?

Anyway, I wake up at 4am and want to write, so I stay up for an hour then go back to sleep. Is that bad?

I feel confused and exhausted…but excited and happy. Boy…I’m the definition of Bipolar. LOL

Maybe my depression symptoms are fighting my manic symptoms so that is why I’m still considered stable to those around me?

Man, I need more sleep!

Duals

Looking for Some Help

Write psychoticAs I work on my novel, I think back to a lot of what happened to me with my bipolar disorder psychotic episodes. I realize that I wasn’t like many bipolar people then and now. I wonder why. I’m writing the first section of my book like a memoir and those that are reading it are surprised by her psychotic tendencies and say that that isn’t bipolar disorder, that is something else. That surprised me.

Why?

I opened up about my bipolar disorder to my Writer’s group, but I realize that I am not portraying a wide variety of those that are bipolar in my book. I’m centered only on my reactions and my experiences. My group and many people who get to know me tell me that I “don’t act bipolar.” What do they mean by that? How am I suppose to act? That irritates me. How would they know?

Do bipolar people have such a bad reputation that people expect us to be flying off our seats or crying in the corner ALL the time?

Fuck that!

One thing that my first psychiatrist told me is that I am unusual because I have a very high IQ for empathy. I ignored what he meant by that, but now I’m wondering. How does that make me different? Am I different? Or just damn lucky I found the right medicine cocktail right off the bat.

However, I’m worried. I have never had my kidneys tested, I think. My sister who is also bipolar just did and her kidney functions are low. It could be caused from the lithium, but it mostly is the fact that she has been popping anti-inflammatory like they were candy. But still, I’ve been on lithium ten years longer than she has. What if….

I don’t want to even think about it right now. Scary Thought!

So, I would love to hear from others if you can identify from my post how I am different. I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m not dramatic enough at times, but too extreme other times.

Looking for some help in understanding.

Thanks, Duals

 

Bipolar

I started this blog four years ago! Yep, it’s been four years. Four years since my last psychotic episode that landed me in the hospital. Four years since in a manic frenzy I started this blog hoping to make a difference. Four years since my husband was truly educated as to what it would be like if I ever had another psychotic episode.

I wanted to centralize this blog on what it is like to be bipolar. I don’t know if I managed that. At times, I guess I do, but other times, I just mumble about what my life has been like at the time. A part of me thinks that that is my point. I’m what society would dub a normal mid-westerner, who happens to be bipolar. I think. LOL! My bipolar disorder has been (for the most part) under control since I went psychotic four years ago.

WTF! Who am I kidding! I’ve had my highs and my lows, but nothing too dramatic. I’m on a lower dive right now because I’m worried about my sister, but I was pretty high last Friday when I finished writing my first draft of my novel.

But who cares? Really? No one really reaches out to me on here and I don’t reach out to others either. (Stephanie–you cool!)

I don’t know what is wrong with me!

img_2103.jpgI wish I’d get an answer about whether I should reveal my name on here.

I’m going to explode. LOL! Just joking. I liked the picture and thought it represented my mood today.

The Snap

C.S. Lewis quoteLately, I’ve been thinking more about God and why things happen. I found this motivational quote and fell in love with it. I truly believe that God puts obsticles and terrible trauma into our life to teach us some type of life lesson.

Does he give us more than we can handle? Well, I think he does in some cases. I don’t really know though. Maybe he does know how far he can take us, but I think our limits can be pushed too far. I guess what I’m saying is that when I went into my first and third psychotic episode I obviously was pushed too far. I felt the snap.

Snap? My younger sister, who is also bipolar with psychotic tendencies, said it best. She described it as people and things push and push at you so hard and fast that you feel yourself snap. The snap breaks you. You lose your sense of self during that point. She thinks you never quite return to your “normal” self. But then again, she no longer believes in Jesus and God anymore. Her life has been harder than mine and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. It took her fifteen years to be properly diagnosed as Bipolar I disorder after her first psychotic episode a few years back. It took me five hours. Of course, no one believed me when I thought she was bipolar after doing research on bipolar disorder for my own self in 2007. They still treated her for treatment resistant major depression.

But who am I? I’m a big nobody in this world of medicine and doctors. I honestly was thinking of becoming a social worker or therapist. You know, go back to school, but my family doesn’t think I can handle anyone else’s problems. I’m way too empathetic, but isn’t that what you need to be a good therapist? What does qualify for a good therapist? I would like to know. I’ve only had two and I think sometimes my writing did a better job then they did. Now I’m without, but I know I need to find one soon. I can tell by my writing lately, that I might be getting close to another snap.

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

award-very-inspirational-bloggerWHOOHOO!

Thank you Kevin from  http://voicesofglass.com/ for surprising me with the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” I am very honored.

The following are the rules for this award, so that everyone can understand what I’m doing with this post.

1. Display the Award Certificate on your website.

2. Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award.

3. Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers (I’m going to be working on that.)

4. Drop them a comment to tip them off after you’ve linked them in the post.

5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

 

Now since the rules are explained, I’m now going to give you 7 interesting things about me. (I hope.)

1. I was diagnosed as bipolar I with psychotic tendencies in 1999 due to the surprising onset of my first and, soon to follow, second psychotic episode.

2. I have only had 3 psychotic episodes.

First time: Dec. 1999 when I told my Oral Communications class off during finals and told them we needed to prepare for a racial war to hit U.S. soil. I thought I was God’s messenger.

Second time: Feb. 2000 when I wasn’t totally healed, tried to go back to college, and thought the television was talking to me

Third time: Sept. 2009 when I went off Lithium and Abilify to try to have a baby and only was on Lamictal during those six months. I convinced myself that I needed to become a martyr to help bipolar people in this world not have to suffer from Stigma anymore. Let’s just say that didn’t work. Never did get pregnant either. 😦

3. I’m a twin.

4. I taught high school English for three years.

5. I’m heavily involved in the Lions Club.

6. I love writing, but have never finished a book or published anything. This blog is as far as I’ve gotten.

7. Ummm…. I’m very close to my family. We mostly all work and own a company together.

 

Okay, so I hope these facts about me were interesting to you . Thank you Kevin for your support.

Best Wishes to all!

Duals