depressed girlI feel like the walls are coming down around me and all I want to do is scream. I can feel that at moments I’m losing it. I can’t control my frustration and anger anymore around some people. My twin received a huge lash from my whip on Sunday because I’m worried about her decisions lately. She’s dating a guy who moved in with her and her son after knowing him for less than a month and she finally tells me the truth that he has had 5 kids with three different women in his past. I don’t understand how this is not raising a major RED flag for her, but she preaches that he’s learned from his mistakes and that he’s changed. Yeah right! A leopard can’t change his spots. It’s now been 2 months of dating and she is already talking about marriage… he married all three of these previous women too, so he’s not afraid to act like he’s committed at least.

That’s one frustration. The second is I’m still dealing with my parent’s house that has the tenants from hell destroying the place.

The third is that I’m in a writer’s group and part of their committee that is holding a huge conference in 2016 and I feel like they don’t give a shit about me or my ideas. I’m really thinking I’m going to have to quit the group because it is not helping me with my writing and I feel like dog shit every time I leave the meetings. When you don’t feel appreciated, it’s time to walk away. If I do it now, it gives them time to replace me on the committee at least.

If you forgot, I’m also in a service organization and I’m an important secretary, so I’m too busy with that too to worry about the writer’s group. I didn’t volunteer for the committee in the writer’s group anyway. I said I’d help the committee when the conference happens, but then they announced the I was the first to volunteer for the committee maybe ten minutes later and I didn’t have the heart to correct them.

My fifth frustration is the fact that I’m now running my parents’ company with very little help from them and no one is being appreciative. Rumors between some of the workers is that I’m irresponsible and scatterbrained and they should be in charge. Then they turn around and don’t do their job and make my job 10x more hectic. WTF! I’m really sick of people’s bull shit right now.

At least my own writers group that I’ve organized myself is going well. We just seem to make the meetings for the nights that become treacherous due to snow storms. Besides, I haven’t been able to write since October. I have nothing new to offer and I’m at a stand still with my first book because I don’t like how I ended it. I laid out how I want to write another paranormal romance series, but I realized that I don’t think I want to go the romance route anymore. I like to read romance but when I go to write it, only the typical cliched scenes come to my head. Nope. Not good.

Well, I hope everyone else is having a good 2015 so far. I know I’m not starting out that way. Hopefully, it will change.

Best Wishes to you!


Can’t I Tell Everyone to Eff Off?

Cat-First-Saw-Snow5Winter is coming and with that my parents (also my bosses) are going down to Florida. I will have the whole company to run on my own again. I have mixed feelings about that. I live an hour away, so I’ll have to get up at 6:15 every morning to get to work by 8. We live in Northern Illinois, so I will have to travel in cold and snowy weather to and from work everyday. No more days off.  😦

I will also have to connect my cell phone to the work phone so if the weather is too bad for me to get to work, I will have some way of answering.  This is actually the awesome part because I no longer have to worry about missing a call when I do call forwarding. Whoohoo!

But work isn’t my only problem, my younger sister is in Florida too. No big deal…right. WRONG! My little sister is the one that is always the designated babysitter for my nephew (also her nephew). So while she’s gone, guess who gets to watch him? Yeah, ME!

So I have to work until 4:30pm then pick up the nephew by 5:15pm, but I might have to go to UPS after work and that place is about half an hour to get to nephew’s school because of traffic. Thank God for call forwarding because that is the only way I’m going to survive this, because I see leaving early in my future. I have to watch nephew Monday, Tues, Wed, & Thursday of next week.  Um…NO! Thursday is my writer’s group. Sorry that takes presidency. So twin sister will have to find another sitter Thursdays.

Oh and then twin sister doesn’t get home until 7pm. I’ll then leave, drive an hour, to come home to spend maybe 2 hours with my husband before he goes to bed. But he’ll probably be playing video games anyway. That’s if I do come home that night. My sister sometimes feels uncomfortable when alone, so I might be staying with her. Then back to work by 8 to do this all over again.

So…If you have been reading my posts you know now that National Novel Writing Month is totally NOT in my future. There is no way I’m going to find the time to write 50,000 words by Nov. 30. GRRR!!! Why can’t I lock myself in my office and tell everyone to F*#k Off!

Get Ready…Get Set…Write! Wait I’m Not Ready Yet!

writerNaNoWriMO is coming! (National Novel Writing Month) November is the month where writers hide from the “real” world as much as possible and spend their time writing a first draft from beginning to end. They have 30 days to write 50,000+ words.

I heard about this world of the writer last year soon after I started my own Writer’s Circle and then joined RWA. I didn’t do it last year because I was almost finished with my first novel.  I am now on the revision stage of that novel and have gotten stuck. So, I set it to the side for the meantime.  I started plotting and planning another idea in preparation for NaNoWriMo.

Then it hit me…how am I going to find the time to write when I can barely find time to plot out my book? I know I’m going to be way too busy to write a lot next month. 😦  I’m thinking about attempting to do it and if I don’t finish then it’s no big deal…right?

I don’t know. At least my husband and I haven’t conceived yet. Eek!




Back to Writing

writerHello everyone!

My mood has greatly improved over the last few days. I finally feel like doing things again. I want to work on my book again.  I actually am working on electrical panels again instead of barely getting by. Now, if only the electrical room didn’t feel like 100 degrees inside due to the sun and the lack of a working air conditioner, I might get more accomplished. Damn that room is HOT!

I finally heard back from one of my beta readers. She raised some very important issues and had great suggestions, but how do you take the criticism and not want to rewrite your entire novel? My books a mess. Great. Now I have other readers reading the same thing and I wonder if they are have trouble with it. 😦

I don’t know when I’ll ever finish my book. At this rate, I’d rather take time to get it right than to worry about time. Hopefully, a literary agent will pick it up sometime. I just don’t know when I will be able to submit.

My Give-A-Damn

fuck-off-i-don-t-give-a-damnHow is everyone today? I’m feeling down because of a stomach flu. 😦

If my stomach would stop hurting, my mood would probably be great. The sun is shining and I took the day off.

Well, what do you want to hear about first?

I now have 6 Beta readers and my younger sister finally finished reading my manuscript. She said she liked it, but she noticed the holes. She gave great ideas as to how to fix them. 🙂 Now I’m going to wait from the other readers and see how exactly I should go back to the writing process. I just don’t know how long I should wait. I’m so anxious to get back to writing.

Now as for my medication… Has anyone out there used Lithium ER? I’m using it, but 900mg of regular Lithium had my level at .5. Now my Lithium level is .4 on 1200mg of ER. WTF!!! Two weeks into the higher dose I finally stopped feeling like a zombie. NOW Friday, I was instructed to take 1500mg of ER. So since Saturday, I’ve been on the highest dose of Lithium I have EVER been on. I suffered from Lithium toxicity on this amount of mg in 2000. So here is my question… is ER really not as affective as the regular Lithium?

Mood wise though…at times zombie-ish, but sometimes okay. However, I think I’m becoming more depressed. Maybe it’s the stomach flu I have today, but all I want to do is cry in a dark corner right now.

My GIVE-A-DAMN has disappeared when it comes to work. I really don’t care what happens to the company. I just want out. I want to find a new career that doesn’t include my family anymore. I want to finally grow some balls and walk away.

Touch Me

Maya Angelou quoteMy body is getting use to the increase in Lithium. Phew, it didn’t take long. I’m pretty stable and I’m liking it now. I just needed to give my body some time I guess.

I finished my third draft to my manuscript. I sent it out to Beta readers, but I wish I had more than just 2 right now.  How do you find beta readers anyway and how many is the right amount? I’m looking for those that have experience in the publishing business. Well, hopefully 2 will work for right now.  I just have to wait to see what they say about my novel. I’m so excited. I’m taking a break from the book now and I’m trying to learn how to write query letters and what I will need to do to find an agent.

If anyone could give me any advice in the publishing business, I am all ears!

Very recently, I turned 34! Wow, I feel older than that actually! I guess that is what happens when you marry a man ten years older than you. 🙂

For those wondering about my marriage because you have been following…my husband and I are maintaining the status quo. I don’t think that will ever change. I’m pretty sure with our avoidance of the topic and issue, we have decided not to have children. I don’t know how I feel about that. Actually, I’m relieved. Knowing my luck, my husband will say tomorrow…let’s try to have a baby.  WTF! LOL! Ah, really? No. I doubt that very much. He’d have to touch me first.


zombi bunnyWhat the hell is wrong with me?  I set a deadline for June 9 to have my 3rd draft ready to send to my beta readers, but I’m procrastinating on working on it. UGH!!! I could have spent the last two hours working, but instead I’m on the internet.  Jeez! My head is just not in it. I’m pissed my psych had me up my lithium. Why? Now I’m on 1200 mg of ER Lithium and at times I’m a fucking zombie. DAMN! Right now, I’m pissed. GRR!!!

I hate change. Why the hell does my new psych want to change my meds? I liked my slightly unstable stability. I was happy with that. Now I have a headache trying to think to write just this post.  😦

I’ve been Zombified!

Second Down

Clapping emoticonI finished the second draft of my novel! Whoo hoo! Now already working on my third draft. Hahaha. I’ll never be done, but a part of me loves working on it so I’m cool with that. However, I have two agents that I need to send my manuscript to that are waiting for it. How long should I make them wait? I want to have this novel perfect before I send it out. I’m at the Beta Reader stage, so I’m excited about that, but that takes time.

Tuesday night I present my first 20 pages to 20+ people in a large critique group of writers. Some published, some not but I’m so excited. I’m actually freaking out about it.  I’ve been critiquing my work none stop today, so I had to take a break to let all of you know how my novel is going.

Today, we are going to the movies to see the new X-Men movie. If you haven’t read it an earlier blog about the X-Men I wrote you wouldn’t know that I love the X-Men, but I do…I really do. 🙂

Who’s Behind that Curtain?

Tongue out emoticonI’m a freakin’ idiot!

I can’t sleep all through the night and of course I don’t take Melatonin to help me sleep like my psychiatrist told me to. Ugh! It’s like I want to go manic or psychotic. Maybe I do. I miss that feeling of euphoria and the creativity that goes with it.

But I can’t afford to lose my mind right now. I need to keep control. I need to FINISH my novel. I need to work on getting it published. I need to achieve my dream!

I want to know that my dream to be a writer in high school really did come true. Even though I let road blocks be thrown in my way of that dream, I want to know that I eventually pushed them aside and realized it. I want to look on a shelf and see my name smiling back at me.

I was thinking about using a pen name, but I realized that I don’t want to do that. I want people to know that I wrote that. I don’t care that it might lead people to meddle into my personal life. I want to be an open book. I want to announce of this blog even that…guess what…I have been writing on here for almost five years.

I write blog after blog with little interaction from people. I crave the notoriety. But not many of my posts are read. I am gaining followers slowly and I thank you all for that. I just wish you’d say hi and tell me a little bit about yourself and what attracted you to my blog. How can I make my blog more appealing? Should I identify who I really am? I don’t remember my reasoning for hiding it anymore. I really don’t.

I feel like I could do so much more by revealing who I am. I feel like people that know me will see that being bipolar isn’t as bad as people portray it to be sometimes. I believe I am a good example of someone that has a mental illness, but does not let it control her life. I find it funny when I tell people I’m bipolar and they say…wow, you don’t act bipolar.

Yes. Yes I do. Pay attention next time.


Are You Ready to Rumble?

depressed girlYesterday, I worked on my book. I love writing. I can’t wait to clean up the one I’m working on now and move on to my next project.

[Sigh] That is how I know I’m dangerously close to mania. Maybe even psychotic…soon. I just received my blood workup for my psychiatrist. My vitamin D is very low, my lithium level is low, my WBC is high and my red blood cells are low and I’m anemic. That sounds about right. I should be spiraling into depression, but when I feel like crap…that is when my mania comes out.

But I do feel like crap. Maybe I’ll become suicidal…I doubt that though. I’m too excited about my book.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I was told to start taking Melatonin for that. Does anyone like/hate taking that?

Anyway, I wake up at 4am and want to write, so I stay up for an hour then go back to sleep. Is that bad?

I feel confused and exhausted…but excited and happy. Boy…I’m the definition of Bipolar. LOL

Maybe my depression symptoms are fighting my manic symptoms so that is why I’m still considered stable to those around me?

Man, I need more sleep!