Whirlwind Uproar

Cat hanging in thereThis year is a major whirlwind. Work is so busy that I haven’t had time to do much of anything lately. Moods are semi-stable. No problems there really at this point, but I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop. I did hurt my back recently, so I see a chiropractor who is making it better.

My health is being a pain, but taking a back burner. I’ve been really worried about my dad. His health is still deteriorating and I am so afraid that he may only have months left instead of a few years. I’m so scared that I prefer not to think about what will happen. Work will seriously suffer when my dad passes away. I will be okay since I’m lucky my husband has a good paying and stable job, but my family depends on the family business. I’m afraid for them. Many people ask me why I work because I obviously don’t need to, I say that it’s because I love my family and know that they need me. However, we all depend on my dad on so many levels that if he is no longer with us…

Breathe.

Okay. That’s enough of thinking about that. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Planning for the future also seems impossible at this point too.

Just Breathe.

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Wish Me Luck

Las VegasI finally feel more relief now. I quit the committee that I didn’t feel appreciated giving my 2 cents. The tenants from hell have finally left. I’m going on vacation to Las Vegas, and I’m leaving work behind while I am gone. I just hope Vegas is as fun as I know it can be. I love Vegas. If I had a choice as to where I would move to, it would have to be in driving distance to Vegas.

For those of you that don’t know, gambling and addictions are a major problem for bipolar people. I definitely fall prey to the lights and excitement of Vegas. One thing I’m so excited about is the possibility of seeing Jeff Dunham. Whoohoo! Years ago I saw Gabriel Inglesias and he was fantastic. I can’t wait to see Jeff Dunham this time.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to any other shows I should see while I’m there? You know, to help keep me from the casino the whole time I’m there.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely going to be playing, but shows would be great too. I love playing Texas Hold’em. One day I want to play in the World Series of Poker…but then I realize that I suck so I’ll never win a position and I know I will never be able to fork over $10,000 to lose in 10 minutes. But…I can dream. Right?

So wish me LUCK and all the best wishes imaginable!

Frustrations

depressed girlI feel like the walls are coming down around me and all I want to do is scream. I can feel that at moments I’m losing it. I can’t control my frustration and anger anymore around some people. My twin received a huge lash from my whip on Sunday because I’m worried about her decisions lately. She’s dating a guy who moved in with her and her son after knowing him for less than a month and she finally tells me the truth that he has had 5 kids with three different women in his past. I don’t understand how this is not raising a major RED flag for her, but she preaches that he’s learned from his mistakes and that he’s changed. Yeah right! A leopard can’t change his spots. It’s now been 2 months of dating and she is already talking about marriage… he married all three of these previous women too, so he’s not afraid to act like he’s committed at least.

That’s one frustration. The second is I’m still dealing with my parent’s house that has the tenants from hell destroying the place.

The third is that I’m in a writer’s group and part of their committee that is holding a huge conference in 2016 and I feel like they don’t give a shit about me or my ideas. I’m really thinking I’m going to have to quit the group because it is not helping me with my writing and I feel like dog shit every time I leave the meetings. When you don’t feel appreciated, it’s time to walk away. If I do it now, it gives them time to replace me on the committee at least.

If you forgot, I’m also in a service organization and I’m an important secretary, so I’m too busy with that too to worry about the writer’s group. I didn’t volunteer for the committee in the writer’s group anyway. I said I’d help the committee when the conference happens, but then they announced the I was the first to volunteer for the committee maybe ten minutes later and I didn’t have the heart to correct them.

My fifth frustration is the fact that I’m now running my parents’ company with very little help from them and no one is being appreciative. Rumors between some of the workers is that I’m irresponsible and scatterbrained and they should be in charge. Then they turn around and don’t do their job and make my job 10x more hectic. WTF! I’m really sick of people’s bull shit right now.

At least my own writers group that I’ve organized myself is going well. We just seem to make the meetings for the nights that become treacherous due to snow storms. Besides, I haven’t been able to write since October. I have nothing new to offer and I’m at a stand still with my first book because I don’t like how I ended it. I laid out how I want to write another paranormal romance series, but I realized that I don’t think I want to go the romance route anymore. I like to read romance but when I go to write it, only the typical cliched scenes come to my head. Nope. Not good.

Well, I hope everyone else is having a good 2015 so far. I know I’m not starting out that way. Hopefully, it will change.

Best Wishes to you!

Duals

No Concept

DSCN3930Well, my psychiatrist freaked out about my inability to sleep through the night because of potty time and my irritability. I was so shocked by her complete lack of calm that I knew I couldn’t tell her that my husband and I want to start trying to have a baby. I think she would have dropped with a heart attack if I added that to my list of issues. She started spatting off different drugs and couldn’t think of one for bipolar mania that was better than lithium and that wouldn’t make me gain weight. She was freaking out about that too. She asked me if I was at least dieting and exercising. Was I at least trying?

I flat out told her no. Yes, I’m fucking huge. I recognize that, but I just don’t connect with the need to change my whole existence to lose weight.

She looked like she wanted to scream when I told her that.

So, because she looked like she was going to blow, I told her that if we lower my lithium dose right now and see how I handle that, then we can consider changing my meds. She calmed down and I left. In and out in 10 minutes. Holy crap.

If I’m manic right now, then she seriously needs to take a chill pill herself.

When this all came down, I was slightly manic that day though. I had spent my day gaining access to my childhood home that I lived in for 23 years because the tenants supposedly abandoned the place without telling us. I found holes in the walls, busted doors and windows, trash scattered, and dog feces and urine everywhere. I learned that four dogs were left in the house for four weeks without being allowed outside. Let’s just say that I was very happy I didn’t eat that day.

Still dealing with the drama of that mess. Yuck! I’m not happy. I’m allergic to dogs, so I don’t care for them much even though I think they are so cute, but the cruelty of locking up four dogs in a house for that long astounds me. People are sick!

Seeing the place I grew up in be destroyed like that really affected me. It took me six days to calm down enough to sleep without waking from nightmares of what I saw and thinking about what I should do.

It’s amazing how people can lie and manipulate to get what they want, but have no concept of how they hurt and damage other people with their actions in the process.

No Sleep…That’s Only the Beginning

zombi bunnyI’m jealous. I see others on twitter excited about doing NaNoWriMo this month and writing their hearts out. I wanted to join my name in their ranks and forget about all that I have to do to concentrate on writing, but I didn’t. So now I have some time to write and what do I do? Sit and stare. No inspiration is coming. I feel so tired right now though. It is a chore just thinking of what to write on this blog.

Sunday morning, I forgot to take my meds which includes my Lithium. Oops. I didn’t realize it until about 7pm when I felt so drained and had a huge headache. Too late to take them then. When Monday morning came, I was shocked. I slept all through the night without waking up once to go to the bathroom. I felt energized and awake for the first time in a while. I usually wake up 2-3 times a night. I knew that my dry mouth and frequent urination didn’t start until after my psychiatrist increased my Lithium from 900mg a day to 1200mg, to 1500mg ER, and now to 1800mg ER. I told my Endocrinologist that I had those symptoms but she thought it was the Lithium increase. I told my psychiatrist who said it had to be that I was diabetic already and my endocrinologist wasn’t doing her job because I could not possibly be having issues with the lithium. My level was too low.

WTF! I’m sick of people not listening to me because I don’t have MD at the end of my name! I told my current psych that in 2000 I suffered from Lithium toxicity and became psychotic because of it, but I did not know what my lithium level was. Ever since, ALL my psychiatrists have always kept my lithium level low. If they believe me to be stable enough, why mess with it? No, she thinks she has to up my lithium because she took me off of my abilify. Then after upping it, I complained I was getting depressed which is not like me. So she upped it more. Now I can’t sleep, I’m irritable, and I so very tired. I just want to go to sleep.

Because of sleeping through the night because I forgot to take my lithium, I now have proof that my hypothesis on the increase of lithium is right. I’m less stable than I was before because I’m not getting enough sleep. I see my psych next week. If she doesn’t decrease my lithium, I’m going to have to go to another psychiatrist. I can’t handle not getting enough sleep at night anymore. I know that at this rate not sleeping is not the only thing I have to worry about.

Can’t I Tell Everyone to Eff Off?

Cat-First-Saw-Snow5Winter is coming and with that my parents (also my bosses) are going down to Florida. I will have the whole company to run on my own again. I have mixed feelings about that. I live an hour away, so I’ll have to get up at 6:15 every morning to get to work by 8. We live in Northern Illinois, so I will have to travel in cold and snowy weather to and from work everyday. No more days off.  😦

I will also have to connect my cell phone to the work phone so if the weather is too bad for me to get to work, I will have some way of answering.  This is actually the awesome part because I no longer have to worry about missing a call when I do call forwarding. Whoohoo!

But work isn’t my only problem, my younger sister is in Florida too. No big deal…right. WRONG! My little sister is the one that is always the designated babysitter for my nephew (also her nephew). So while she’s gone, guess who gets to watch him? Yeah, ME!

So I have to work until 4:30pm then pick up the nephew by 5:15pm, but I might have to go to UPS after work and that place is about half an hour to get to nephew’s school because of traffic. Thank God for call forwarding because that is the only way I’m going to survive this, because I see leaving early in my future. I have to watch nephew Monday, Tues, Wed, & Thursday of next week.  Um…NO! Thursday is my writer’s group. Sorry that takes presidency. So twin sister will have to find another sitter Thursdays.

Oh and then twin sister doesn’t get home until 7pm. I’ll then leave, drive an hour, to come home to spend maybe 2 hours with my husband before he goes to bed. But he’ll probably be playing video games anyway. That’s if I do come home that night. My sister sometimes feels uncomfortable when alone, so I might be staying with her. Then back to work by 8 to do this all over again.

So…If you have been reading my posts you know now that National Novel Writing Month is totally NOT in my future. There is no way I’m going to find the time to write 50,000 words by Nov. 30. GRRR!!! Why can’t I lock myself in my office and tell everyone to F*#k Off!

Get Ready…Get Set…Write! Wait I’m Not Ready Yet!

writerNaNoWriMO is coming! (National Novel Writing Month) November is the month where writers hide from the “real” world as much as possible and spend their time writing a first draft from beginning to end. They have 30 days to write 50,000+ words.

I heard about this world of the writer last year soon after I started my own Writer’s Circle and then joined RWA. I didn’t do it last year because I was almost finished with my first novel.  I am now on the revision stage of that novel and have gotten stuck. So, I set it to the side for the meantime.  I started plotting and planning another idea in preparation for NaNoWriMo.

Then it hit me…how am I going to find the time to write when I can barely find time to plot out my book? I know I’m going to be way too busy to write a lot next month. 😦  I’m thinking about attempting to do it and if I don’t finish then it’s no big deal…right?

I don’t know. At least my husband and I haven’t conceived yet. Eek!