Wait for it…

If life could get worse for me, it will.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but sex has never been very important to my husband. For the last 3.5 years we hadn’t had sex, but a few weeks back, that changed. My husband was finally in the mood after a 10 day trip away. Did I tell him no? Of course not. I was so excited and well, not thinking.

So, now I’m a week late. I’m going to take the pee-on-a-stick test tonight, but before I do. I wanted to write down my thoughts.

Do I want a baby? No. Yes. No. Oh hell no. Maybe. UGH!!!

Being bipolar, I am so afraid of causing my baby any health conditions. Birth defects can happen.

Plus, the stress I’m in right now. I can’t afford to go crazy when I’m pregnant. I’m so scared.

Why am I under stress? My previous employment is no more, so I have to find a job. We just sold our house and have to be out by the end of April, but we don’t have another house to move into yet. The club I’m in is adding more and more responsibility to me. I’m so busy and then I don’t get appreciated at our convention. Thanks!

To make matters worse, my best friend and sister has tried to commit suicide 3x in the past month. My heart screams thinking about it. I was gone her first try, but she just threw up all the pills and slept it off. The second time, I noticed her texts to me were unusual so I asked my other sister to check on her and we realized she lied to both of us and went off on her own. My sister got to her first and called the ambulance just in time. I lived an hour away and had no hope of getting to her in time. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital. Then a few days later, she made a good plan, but she decided to ask for help instead of carrying it out. Now she’s back in the hospital.

All this pain in losing my family company and almost losing my sister is crushing me because now I’m just waiting for the bomb to take me out.

Oh wait. Am I pregnant?


A Baby Changes Everything!

pregnant-woman-silhouette-cartoonMy husband surprised me yesterday. He thinks we should start trying to have a baby.


Now? OMG. I really thought he had decided he didn’t want children, so I was resigned to that fact.

He asked me later how I was doing. I told him the truth…I’m freaking out!

I want children…I do. But children changes everything! Our life would never be the same. I would have to devote my time to the baby.

I’d have to juggle time to cleaning and taking care of them baby, instead of worrying about work, the service club, my writing, my writers groups, and just finding the time to read a good book once in a while.

Plus I’m so scared about my health.

I’d have to stop my lithium. Last time we tried, I changed my meds to lamictol before we conceived. Six months with no luck in getting pregnant, but I won a trip to the psychiatric hospital instead. I was psychotic, believing that I needed to die to save those with  bipolar disorder by donating my body to scientists. The thought of lasting nine months without lithium scares the shit out of me…WTF will I do if I go psychotic while pregnant?

I’d have to get my psychiatrist on board with this…pretty sure she’s going to freak out.

I need to find a OBGYN.

Holy Shit! I’m already freaking out and he just told me his plans yesterday!

PLUS…I’m not the only one that will have to change. Does he not realize that he needs to actually be intimate with me to achieve a baby?

His constant attachment to video games when he’s not at work will have to change. Does he know that?

Having a baby would be a blessing. To have a little one love me with all his or her heart brings tears to my eyes. I just worry about what the cost might be. I don’t want to even think of my child growing up and going through the fear and torment I went through when I learned I was bipolar with psychotic tendencies.

You can’t predict the future, you can only learn from the past, but figuring out what to do in the present… scares me.


Touch Me

Maya Angelou quoteMy body is getting use to the increase in Lithium. Phew, it didn’t take long. I’m pretty stable and I’m liking it now. I just needed to give my body some time I guess.

I finished my third draft to my manuscript. I sent it out to Beta readers, but I wish I had more than just 2 right now.  How do you find beta readers anyway and how many is the right amount? I’m looking for those that have experience in the publishing business. Well, hopefully 2 will work for right now.  I just have to wait to see what they say about my novel. I’m so excited. I’m taking a break from the book now and I’m trying to learn how to write query letters and what I will need to do to find an agent.

If anyone could give me any advice in the publishing business, I am all ears!

Very recently, I turned 34! Wow, I feel older than that actually! I guess that is what happens when you marry a man ten years older than you. 🙂

For those wondering about my marriage because you have been following…my husband and I are maintaining the status quo. I don’t think that will ever change. I’m pretty sure with our avoidance of the topic and issue, we have decided not to have children. I don’t know how I feel about that. Actually, I’m relieved. Knowing my luck, my husband will say tomorrow…let’s try to have a baby.  WTF! LOL! Ah, really? No. I doubt that very much. He’d have to touch me first.