Wait for it…

If life could get worse for me, it will.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but sex has never been very important to my husband. For the last 3.5 years we hadn’t had sex, but a few weeks back, that changed. My husband was finally in the mood after a 10 day trip away. Did I tell him no? Of course not. I was so excited and well, not thinking.

So, now I’m a week late. I’m going to take the pee-on-a-stick test tonight, but before I do. I wanted to write down my thoughts.

Do I want a baby? No. Yes. No. Oh hell no. Maybe. UGH!!!

Being bipolar, I am so afraid of causing my baby any health conditions. Birth defects can happen.

Plus, the stress I’m in right now. I can’t afford to go crazy when I’m pregnant. I’m so scared.

Why am I under stress? My previous employment is no more, so I have to find a job. We just sold our house and have to be out by the end of April, but we don’t have another house to move into yet. The club I’m in is adding more and more responsibility to me. I’m so busy and then I don’t get appreciated at our convention. Thanks!

To make matters worse, my best friend and sister has tried to commit suicide 3x in the past month. My heart screams thinking about it. I was gone her first try, but she just threw up all the pills and slept it off. The second time, I noticed her texts to me were unusual so I asked my other sister to check on her and we realized she lied to both of us and went off on her own. My sister got to her first and called the ambulance just in time. I lived an hour away and had no hope of getting to her in time. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital. Then a few days later, she made a good plan, but she decided to ask for help instead of carrying it out. Now she’s back in the hospital.

All this pain in losing my family company and almost losing my sister is crushing me because now I’m just waiting for the bomb to take me out.

Oh wait. Am I pregnant?

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My Rocky Path

light at end of tunnelLife is often times filled with the unexpected and sometimes it is filled with complacency. I just read a post from a friend and I felt my heart go out to her during her hard time of loneliness. I wish I could help her in some way, but how? I have no words of wisdom, but I do want her to know that I’m here for her if she needs someone. She doesn’t have to be alone.

Why does life have to be so complicated? Recently, another friend of mine from high school lost her father unexpectedly. His death reminded me that my father does not have long for this world. I dread the moment when he is no longer … I can’t even type the words. Tears are flowing just at the thought. My life and the life of my family revolves around my father. He created the company that we all work for and I fear that the company will go with him when…

I’m lucky to have my husband and the love and support of his family, but that could be taken away from me too. What would I do?

I’ve often heard people say things like…”Life doesn’t have a remote control, get up and change it yourself.” Well, how do you change a life that is dictated by everyone else around you? My father, my husband, my siblings…what would I do without them? Right now, I’m just living in complacency. Waiting for the shoe to drop, but not doing anything to prepare myself for that day. The day when I will have to make a choice…follow my dream or pick up the reigns my father left behind. Can I turn my back on my family? Can I be strong and change this path by following my dream now? I know I will have the support of my husband. He is the light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know if I can create that rocky path through the unknown just yet.

Most importantly, can I deal with the pain and emotional trauma my father’s death will put on me? Will my bipolar disorder envelop me once again and send me on an extreme psychotic episode or lead me to suicide? I can’t let myself be blindsided. I have to prepare myself as much as I can.  How? How the hell do I do that? Heaven help me!

Lately…

Well, I keep trying to write a post, but lately every time I do I get interrupted so I pitch it and go on to whatever interrupted me. I’m still in a very reactive world and I don’t think I’ll ever get out of it, but I’m functioning quite well. I’m not manic, but I’m not suicidal. I guess I’m at the meloncholy stage where you know you have to clean your house, but you could give two shits about it at the moment. Basically though, I would call that my “normal” stage. I HATE cleaning. If I clean, I’m usually manic or hypomanic or cause myself to be that way. Anyone else feel that way about cleaning?

I got a ColorNook for Christmas and I LOVE IT!!! All I do is read or play texas hold’em on the computer…(I’m addicted to it). I need to stop, but I can’t get enough!

Last week another close relative passed away…#3 since October. However, I didn’t go to the funeral this time because of the weather and I think food poisoning but could be the flu, so it hasn’t really kicked in yet. I knew she was sick, so I was prepared for it. I guess I feel numb about it. When I was told about the funeral, I did ball my eyes out for a while which helped. I’m really going to miss her, my aunt.

Well, I’m at work, but we’re slow. 😦 So, I’m writing now, hoping not to be interrupted until I finish this. I hope everyone is doing well.

Chat with ya later!