How Do You Eat an Elephant?

Why hello! How are you all doing today? I’m exhausted from a long and busy 4th of July weekend, but all went well. I’ve been keeping myself really busy with work and with my service organization. Plus, I’m trying to pick up my writing again, but sometimes I don’t have time. I wish my writing would be able to come first in my life, but that seems to be impossible right now.

Work is slow in business, but I’ve been busy trying to generate more business. Being part owner of a company is exhausting!

So how are my moods? At times, I feel depression setting in. All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. Then I have moments where I feel all the pressure of getting things done and I can feel things faltering all around me. I can feel the tug of mania and I have to force myself to stop and settle down. Take things one step at a time.

My husband always asks me when I feel so overwhelmed, “How do you eat an elephant?”

“Yuck!” I answer.

He laughs and says, “One bite at a time.”

At first I had to think about that. What if you don’t have time to take only one bite? Then I thought, well how else do you eat it? It’s not like you can take more than one bite at a time without killing yourself. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to admit that he can be so rational when I’m running around with my head cut off.

He also says I have to learn to say “NO.” Yeah. Let me know how you do that, because I haven’t got a clue. Besides, he’s one to talk. He’s the one who got me into this service organization in the first place.

In all actuality, I’m surprised I’m as sane as I am right now. With all the pressure I’m under, I might be about to break though.


Not Falling…Yet. I think.

Cat hanging in thereHow is everything? I’m sure you’re wondering. I am too, by the way.

My husband is still looking for a job. He refuses to work with me at my parents’ company. I don’t blame him though. I don’t want to work there either most of the time. I’m so over stressed that I’m surprised I’m not falling into psychosis again.

Of course that’s the most likely thing to happen to me right now. Let’s add insult to injury…sorry for the cliché.

I’ve started writing another novel. I’m so happy when I’m writing in a different world. I don’t like writing about my life anymore. Sorry everyone. That’s mainly why I’m never really on here anymore. Real life is not nearly as exciting as world building and character arcs.

I wish I could write fulltime everyday. I’m sure many people wish that, but not many are able to do that. I know I’m never going to be able to, mainly because I’m not that good. I’m never finished a book worth reading before. I did finish one that the Beta readers said it was like reading two different books, so I shelved it. If I had a fireplace, I would have burned it. Now onto a different genre with this novel. Hopefully it goes better for me.


smoldering woodsSorry it has been so long since I’ve written. I sometimes wonder if anyone reads these anyway, so I don’t bother as often as I should.

The last post I talked about my dad’s health. Amazingly, my dad is so much better after surgery. He’s back hard at work, which is great because we are busier than we’ve been in years.

Now, I find it odd. I was so worried about what I will have to worry about in the future if my dad did pass away, that I didn’t bother about thinking about the future if my dad came out of his health issues …healthy. I feel like my parents want everything to go back to how it was before my dad got sick. They want control of everything and see me as another child of theirs that is living off them. They don’t recognize or care that I work my ass off for the company and get treated the same as my brother who hasn’t been at work the last month even though I’ve been working 55 hour weeks including Saturdays.

I’m not bitter. I’m not. The fuck I’m not.

I’m so angry. I want to just walk away and say, “Here you go. Have fun with that. Oh, you don’t know how? Then go suck it.”

I just can’t seem to walk away. What the hell? I never wanted to work for my father’s company since the day I started working there at 13 sorting bolts and sweeping floors. I went to college majoring in English believing it would be the farthest career path away from them. Taught 3 years in Hell and then came back with my tale between my legs. Now, 10 years later, I’m now running things mostly but my parents don’t think I’m doing a good enough job. They want control again, but they want me to do the work since they don’t seem to know how anymore. I’m doing 5 people’s jobs and my brother is never there, but they think we should be equal because they shouldn’t pick favorites. Isn’t that what their doing?

I told them 6 years ago I wanted this situation changed. They completely ignored me and let this shit continue. Meanwhile, my anger is smoldering.

Whirlwind Uproar

Cat hanging in thereThis year is a major whirlwind. Work is so busy that I haven’t had time to do much of anything lately. Moods are semi-stable. No problems there really at this point, but I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop. I did hurt my back recently, so I see a chiropractor who is making it better.

My health is being a pain, but taking a back burner. I’ve been really worried about my dad. His health is still deteriorating and I am so afraid that he may only have months left instead of a few years. I’m so scared that I prefer not to think about what will happen. Work will seriously suffer when my dad passes away. I will be okay since I’m lucky my husband has a good paying and stable job, but my family depends on the family business. I’m afraid for them. Many people ask me why I work because I obviously don’t need to, I say that it’s because I love my family and know that they need me. However, we all depend on my dad on so many levels that if he is no longer with us…


Okay. That’s enough of thinking about that. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other. Planning for the future also seems impossible at this point too.

Just Breathe.

No Sleep…That’s Only the Beginning

zombi bunnyI’m jealous. I see others on twitter excited about doing NaNoWriMo this month and writing their hearts out. I wanted to join my name in their ranks and forget about all that I have to do to concentrate on writing, but I didn’t. So now I have some time to write and what do I do? Sit and stare. No inspiration is coming. I feel so tired right now though. It is a chore just thinking of what to write on this blog.

Sunday morning, I forgot to take my meds which includes my Lithium. Oops. I didn’t realize it until about 7pm when I felt so drained and had a huge headache. Too late to take them then. When Monday morning came, I was shocked. I slept all through the night without waking up once to go to the bathroom. I felt energized and awake for the first time in a while. I usually wake up 2-3 times a night. I knew that my dry mouth and frequent urination didn’t start until after my psychiatrist increased my Lithium from 900mg a day to 1200mg, to 1500mg ER, and now to 1800mg ER. I told my Endocrinologist that I had those symptoms but she thought it was the Lithium increase. I told my psychiatrist who said it had to be that I was diabetic already and my endocrinologist wasn’t doing her job because I could not possibly be having issues with the lithium. My level was too low.

WTF! I’m sick of people not listening to me because I don’t have MD at the end of my name! I told my current psych that in 2000 I suffered from Lithium toxicity and became psychotic because of it, but I did not know what my lithium level was. Ever since, ALL my psychiatrists have always kept my lithium level low. If they believe me to be stable enough, why mess with it? No, she thinks she has to up my lithium because she took me off of my abilify. Then after upping it, I complained I was getting depressed which is not like me. So she upped it more. Now I can’t sleep, I’m irritable, and I so very tired. I just want to go to sleep.

Because of sleeping through the night because I forgot to take my lithium, I now have proof that my hypothesis on the increase of lithium is right. I’m less stable than I was before because I’m not getting enough sleep. I see my psych next week. If she doesn’t decrease my lithium, I’m going to have to go to another psychiatrist. I can’t handle not getting enough sleep at night anymore. I know that at this rate not sleeping is not the only thing I have to worry about.

A Baby Changes Everything!

pregnant-woman-silhouette-cartoonMy husband surprised me yesterday. He thinks we should start trying to have a baby.


Now? OMG. I really thought he had decided he didn’t want children, so I was resigned to that fact.

He asked me later how I was doing. I told him the truth…I’m freaking out!

I want children…I do. But children changes everything! Our life would never be the same. I would have to devote my time to the baby.

I’d have to juggle time to cleaning and taking care of them baby, instead of worrying about work, the service club, my writing, my writers groups, and just finding the time to read a good book once in a while.

Plus I’m so scared about my health.

I’d have to stop my lithium. Last time we tried, I changed my meds to lamictol before we conceived. Six months with no luck in getting pregnant, but I won a trip to the psychiatric hospital instead. I was psychotic, believing that I needed to die to save those with  bipolar disorder by donating my body to scientists. The thought of lasting nine months without lithium scares the shit out of me…WTF will I do if I go psychotic while pregnant?

I’d have to get my psychiatrist on board with this…pretty sure she’s going to freak out.

I need to find a OBGYN.

Holy Shit! I’m already freaking out and he just told me his plans yesterday!

PLUS…I’m not the only one that will have to change. Does he not realize that he needs to actually be intimate with me to achieve a baby?

His constant attachment to video games when he’s not at work will have to change. Does he know that?

Having a baby would be a blessing. To have a little one love me with all his or her heart brings tears to my eyes. I just worry about what the cost might be. I don’t want to even think of my child growing up and going through the fear and torment I went through when I learned I was bipolar with psychotic tendencies.

You can’t predict the future, you can only learn from the past, but figuring out what to do in the present… scares me.


The Sacrificial Lamb

sacrifice-perfect-you-Perfection-inspire-QuotesI guess today marks my 5 year anniversary of blogging. I started this blog when I was manic, coming down from a mild episode of psychosis. Yeah, okay…how can psychosis be “mild.” I guess I call it mild because I recognized the signs right away and had my husband take me to the hospital before I lost complete control. However, I did lose control in the controlled environment, so it didn’t get too bad. I remember thinking that I needed to turn myself into “scientists” so they could study me then kill me for the sake of research. I had it in my mind that I needed to die to save people with bipolar disorder from suffering anymore.

Yeah, that’s me. The sacrificial lamb. Looking back on it, I see I was crazy to think that my life could make any dent in the stigma that plagues bipolar people. Even coming down from that extreme high, I felt like I had to make a difference somehow. I started this blog thinking that I would have a million hits by the end of the month and people will finally realize that bipolar people may be unique, but pretty cool to get to know. People would see that there are so many of us out there and that those without bipolar disorder could see that we are people. That we want the same things they do. However, so many of us with bipolar disorder still think we have to hide. That we have to be ashamed.

It’s so sad.

It’s sad that no one thinks to care until someone dies. Then we are remembered in a negative light. 😦 No one praises our abilities or even those that have the disorder and are making a difference. It’s enough to make me want to cry.

For Dear Life

Cat hanging in thereFor the last four days, I’ve been taking care of my twin sister after her knee and wrist surgery. It’s amazing how exhausted I feel today. I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed for a change. I miss my husband and my cat. I’m excited that I will see them tonight. My sister is doing a lot better, so my other sister is going to take over for me. I might have to come back in a couple of days, but I just need to return home.  I’m already terribly homesick.

I’m itching to write again, but haven’t found the time. I changed a couple of scenes near the end of my book, but now I have to write a whole new ending. Oops. Actually, my new idea for the ending is a lot better. I think. Gosh! I wish I could ask someone what they think about this drastic change. I just want to pound my head into the wall now. So much to change. I will never finish this book I am writing. A part of me just wants to give up on it and stop writing. Then I realize that I’d be giving up on the one thing in my life that I actually enjoy doing more than reading.

Grr! I can’t let work or that service organization take up too much of my life. I need to hold on to my dream for dear life. I can’t let myself get too bogged down or too discouraged about my writing.


Inner Turmoil

robin_williams_01News of Robin Williams’ death made my heart plummet and my eyes well up with tears. Learning he may have committed suicide brought thoughts of hopelessness to my already raging depression.

I remember once discovering that Robin Williams may have had bipolar disorder and not just depression, but now I can’t find any proof of that. He never openly admitted to having bipolar disorder. Bipolar or not, it shouldn’t matter. He was an exceptional man. Unfortunately, his inner turmoil overwhelmed him for whatever reason.

Williams’ death will hopefully help others realize that they should get help for their depression, instead of trying to deal with it on their own.

Deepest Sympathy to Robin Williams’ family and his friends. The legend will be missed.


Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!

Woman_Pulling_Hair_outOkay. That’s it! I’m about ready to kick someone’s ass to Jupiter! I have had enough. I VOLUNTEER for a service organization and I do A LOT when I can. I’m not perfect. I have my limitations. I do not want to be told my inadequacies and then submit it to 40 other people so they can tell me how much I suck at making changes to the website. I do not want to be treated like a little girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Oh! I just want to rant and rave about the audacity of some people.

I said yesterday I was on the brink. Well, now I’m beyond the edge. My bipolar disorder is throwing me back and forth from terribly upset to fuming angry. Grr! Like I didn’t have enough shit to do. Now I have to worry about a website that everyone has just ignored for the past 2 years. I have another job to do for this organization that takes way too much time that I’ve been more concerned with lately.

We all meet Saturday. I hope my irritation with this person settles by then or I might say something that I will regret. Or I’ll burst into tears when confronted and then tell everyone to go fuck themselves. Either way, Saturday is going to be interesting.