Wish Me Luck

Las VegasI finally feel more relief now. I quit the committee that I didn’t feel appreciated giving my 2 cents. The tenants from hell have finally left. I’m going on vacation to Las Vegas, and I’m leaving work behind while I am gone. I just hope Vegas is as fun as I know it can be. I love Vegas. If I had a choice as to where I would move to, it would have to be in driving distance to Vegas.

For those of you that don’t know, gambling and addictions are a major problem for bipolar people. I definitely fall prey to the lights and excitement of Vegas. One thing I’m so excited about is the possibility of seeing Jeff Dunham. Whoohoo! Years ago I saw Gabriel Inglesias and he was fantastic. I can’t wait to see Jeff Dunham this time.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to any other shows I should see while I’m there? You know, to help keep me from the casino the whole time I’m there.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely going to be playing, but shows would be great too. I love playing Texas Hold’em. One day I want to play in the World Series of Poker…but then I realize that I suck so I’ll never win a position and I know I will never be able to fork over $10,000 to lose in 10 minutes. But…I can dream. Right?

So wish me LUCK and all the best wishes imaginable!


Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!

Woman_Pulling_Hair_outOkay. That’s it! I’m about ready to kick someone’s ass to Jupiter! I have had enough. I VOLUNTEER for a service organization and I do A LOT when I can. I’m not perfect. I have my limitations. I do not want to be told my inadequacies and then submit it to 40 other people so they can tell me how much I suck at making changes to the website. I do not want to be treated like a little girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Oh! I just want to rant and rave about the audacity of some people.

I said yesterday I was on the brink. Well, now I’m beyond the edge. My bipolar disorder is throwing me back and forth from terribly upset to fuming angry. Grr! Like I didn’t have enough shit to do. Now I have to worry about a website that everyone has just ignored for the past 2 years. I have another job to do for this organization that takes way too much time that I’ve been more concerned with lately.

We all meet Saturday. I hope my irritation with this person settles by then or I might say something that I will regret. Or I’ll burst into tears when confronted and then tell everyone to go fuck themselves. Either way, Saturday is going to be interesting.

More than I Can Chew

Bite-off-moreI think I bit off more than I can chew…I love that cliche. 🙂 But it is so accurate right now. I have too much to do this week with my service organization, my writing group, my book club, the county fair, and work. Plus a family member is having surgery today. I hope all goes well. Well, book club I decided to cancel because I just couldn’t get into the book and I still had about six hours left of the book on the same day we were suppose to meet. The pressure made me decide not to go.

If anything else happens this week, I might fall off the cliff. I can tell that I’m struggling with depression right now. Thoughts of gloom and doom are biting my heels. I feel like giving up on everything…and all I want to do is SLEEP! Oh, to feel my sheets and blanket snuggled around me as I close my eyes…

Ugh! I need to stop. I need to get organized and get all the shit I need to do done! But I can’t help worrying about “what if.” Grr! I’m driving myself crazy and no one else needs to help me with it. Please refrain from adding something new to the mix. I really can’t handle anything more this week.


zombi bunnyWhat the hell is wrong with me?  I set a deadline for June 9 to have my 3rd draft ready to send to my beta readers, but I’m procrastinating on working on it. UGH!!! I could have spent the last two hours working, but instead I’m on the internet.  Jeez! My head is just not in it. I’m pissed my psych had me up my lithium. Why? Now I’m on 1200 mg of ER Lithium and at times I’m a fucking zombie. DAMN! Right now, I’m pissed. GRR!!!

I hate change. Why the hell does my new psych want to change my meds? I liked my slightly unstable stability. I was happy with that. Now I have a headache trying to think to write just this post.  😦

I’ve been Zombified!

Who’s Behind that Curtain?

Tongue out emoticonI’m a freakin’ idiot!

I can’t sleep all through the night and of course I don’t take Melatonin to help me sleep like my psychiatrist told me to. Ugh! It’s like I want to go manic or psychotic. Maybe I do. I miss that feeling of euphoria and the creativity that goes with it.

But I can’t afford to lose my mind right now. I need to keep control. I need to FINISH my novel. I need to work on getting it published. I need to achieve my dream!

I want to know that my dream to be a writer in high school really did come true. Even though I let road blocks be thrown in my way of that dream, I want to know that I eventually pushed them aside and realized it. I want to look on a shelf and see my name smiling back at me.

I was thinking about using a pen name, but I realized that I don’t want to do that. I want people to know that I wrote that. I don’t care that it might lead people to meddle into my personal life. I want to be an open book. I want to announce of this blog even that…guess what…I have been writing on here for almost five years.

I write blog after blog with little interaction from people. I crave the notoriety. But not many of my posts are read. I am gaining followers slowly and I thank you all for that. I just wish you’d say hi and tell me a little bit about yourself and what attracted you to my blog. How can I make my blog more appealing? Should I identify who I really am? I don’t remember my reasoning for hiding it anymore. I really don’t.

I feel like I could do so much more by revealing who I am. I feel like people that know me will see that being bipolar isn’t as bad as people portray it to be sometimes. I believe I am a good example of someone that has a mental illness, but does not let it control her life. I find it funny when I tell people I’m bipolar and they say…wow, you don’t act bipolar.

Yes. Yes I do. Pay attention next time.


Are You Ready to Rumble?

depressed girlYesterday, I worked on my book. I love writing. I can’t wait to clean up the one I’m working on now and move on to my next project.

[Sigh] That is how I know I’m dangerously close to mania. Maybe even psychotic…soon. I just received my blood workup for my psychiatrist. My vitamin D is very low, my lithium level is low, my WBC is high and my red blood cells are low and I’m anemic. That sounds about right. I should be spiraling into depression, but when I feel like crap…that is when my mania comes out.

But I do feel like crap. Maybe I’ll become suicidal…I doubt that though. I’m too excited about my book.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I was told to start taking Melatonin for that. Does anyone like/hate taking that?

Anyway, I wake up at 4am and want to write, so I stay up for an hour then go back to sleep. Is that bad?

I feel confused and exhausted…but excited and happy. Boy…I’m the definition of Bipolar. LOL

Maybe my depression symptoms are fighting my manic symptoms so that is why I’m still considered stable to those around me?

Man, I need more sleep!


Guess What!!!

writerWell my book is moving along nicely! I have a fire under my ass to finish it now. I’m excited.

This past weekend, I went to a writer’s conference. I had submitted the first page of my novel to a workshop called Honing Your Voice. A top notch agent held the workshop and picked out about 7 out of 30 pages to read and identify as having a strong voice. She picked my first page as an example and said she would like me to send the rest of my book to her to evaluate and if all goes well…become my agent. Whoo Hoo! I never expected her to select mine and then request my novel. Problem is…I’m not done with the second draft yet, so now I’m trying to concentrate on finishing my book, but I’m now writing a new post. Go figure.  LOL!

I’m just so excited though. I had to share.

Thank you to everyone that has encourage me to keep writing. I wouldn’t have gotten this far if it wasn’t for you!