How Do You Eat an Elephant?

Why hello! How are you all doing today? I’m exhausted from a long and busy 4th of July weekend, but all went well. I’ve been keeping myself really busy with work and with my service organization. Plus, I’m trying to pick up my writing again, but sometimes I don’t have time. I wish my writing would be able to come first in my life, but that seems to be impossible right now.

Work is slow in business, but I’ve been busy trying to generate more business. Being part owner of a company is exhausting!

So how are my moods? At times, I feel depression setting in. All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. Then I have moments where I feel all the pressure of getting things done and I can feel things faltering all around me. I can feel the tug of mania and I have to force myself to stop and settle down. Take things one step at a time.

My husband always asks me when I feel so overwhelmed, “How do you eat an elephant?”

“Yuck!” I answer.

He laughs and says, “One bite at a time.”

At first I had to think about that. What if you don’t have time to take only one bite? Then I thought, well how else do you eat it? It’s not like you can take more than one bite at a time without killing yourself. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to admit that he can be so rational when I’m running around with my head cut off.

He also says I have to learn to say “NO.” Yeah. Let me know how you do that, because I haven’t got a clue. Besides, he’s one to talk. He’s the one who got me into this service organization in the first place.

In all actuality, I’m surprised I’m as sane as I am right now. With all the pressure I’m under, I might be about to break though.

 

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Smoldering

smoldering woodsSorry it has been so long since I’ve written. I sometimes wonder if anyone reads these anyway, so I don’t bother as often as I should.

The last post I talked about my dad’s health. Amazingly, my dad is so much better after surgery. He’s back hard at work, which is great because we are busier than we’ve been in years.

Now, I find it odd. I was so worried about what I will have to worry about in the future if my dad did pass away, that I didn’t bother about thinking about the future if my dad came out of his health issues …healthy. I feel like my parents want everything to go back to how it was before my dad got sick. They want control of everything and see me as another child of theirs that is living off them. They don’t recognize or care that I work my ass off for the company and get treated the same as my brother who hasn’t been at work the last month even though I’ve been working 55 hour weeks including Saturdays.

I’m not bitter. I’m not. The fuck I’m not.

I’m so angry. I want to just walk away and say, “Here you go. Have fun with that. Oh, you don’t know how? Then go suck it.”

I just can’t seem to walk away. What the hell? I never wanted to work for my father’s company since the day I started working there at 13 sorting bolts and sweeping floors. I went to college majoring in English believing it would be the farthest career path away from them. Taught 3 years in Hell and then came back with my tale between my legs. Now, 10 years later, I’m now running things mostly but my parents don’t think I’m doing a good enough job. They want control again, but they want me to do the work since they don’t seem to know how anymore. I’m doing 5 people’s jobs and my brother is never there, but they think we should be equal because they shouldn’t pick favorites. Isn’t that what their doing?

I told them 6 years ago I wanted this situation changed. They completely ignored me and let this shit continue. Meanwhile, my anger is smoldering.

Wish Me Luck

Las VegasI finally feel more relief now. I quit the committee that I didn’t feel appreciated giving my 2 cents. The tenants from hell have finally left. I’m going on vacation to Las Vegas, and I’m leaving work behind while I am gone. I just hope Vegas is as fun as I know it can be. I love Vegas. If I had a choice as to where I would move to, it would have to be in driving distance to Vegas.

For those of you that don’t know, gambling and addictions are a major problem for bipolar people. I definitely fall prey to the lights and excitement of Vegas. One thing I’m so excited about is the possibility of seeing Jeff Dunham. Whoohoo! Years ago I saw Gabriel Inglesias and he was fantastic. I can’t wait to see Jeff Dunham this time.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to any other shows I should see while I’m there? You know, to help keep me from the casino the whole time I’m there.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely going to be playing, but shows would be great too. I love playing Texas Hold’em. One day I want to play in the World Series of Poker…but then I realize that I suck so I’ll never win a position and I know I will never be able to fork over $10,000 to lose in 10 minutes. But…I can dream. Right?

So wish me LUCK and all the best wishes imaginable!

Can’t I Tell Everyone to Eff Off?

Cat-First-Saw-Snow5Winter is coming and with that my parents (also my bosses) are going down to Florida. I will have the whole company to run on my own again. I have mixed feelings about that. I live an hour away, so I’ll have to get up at 6:15 every morning to get to work by 8. We live in Northern Illinois, so I will have to travel in cold and snowy weather to and from work everyday. No more days off.  😦

I will also have to connect my cell phone to the work phone so if the weather is too bad for me to get to work, I will have some way of answering.  This is actually the awesome part because I no longer have to worry about missing a call when I do call forwarding. Whoohoo!

But work isn’t my only problem, my younger sister is in Florida too. No big deal…right. WRONG! My little sister is the one that is always the designated babysitter for my nephew (also her nephew). So while she’s gone, guess who gets to watch him? Yeah, ME!

So I have to work until 4:30pm then pick up the nephew by 5:15pm, but I might have to go to UPS after work and that place is about half an hour to get to nephew’s school because of traffic. Thank God for call forwarding because that is the only way I’m going to survive this, because I see leaving early in my future. I have to watch nephew Monday, Tues, Wed, & Thursday of next week.  Um…NO! Thursday is my writer’s group. Sorry that takes presidency. So twin sister will have to find another sitter Thursdays.

Oh and then twin sister doesn’t get home until 7pm. I’ll then leave, drive an hour, to come home to spend maybe 2 hours with my husband before he goes to bed. But he’ll probably be playing video games anyway. That’s if I do come home that night. My sister sometimes feels uncomfortable when alone, so I might be staying with her. Then back to work by 8 to do this all over again.

So…If you have been reading my posts you know now that National Novel Writing Month is totally NOT in my future. There is no way I’m going to find the time to write 50,000 words by Nov. 30. GRRR!!! Why can’t I lock myself in my office and tell everyone to F*#k Off!

The Sacrificial Lamb

sacrifice-perfect-you-Perfection-inspire-QuotesI guess today marks my 5 year anniversary of blogging. I started this blog when I was manic, coming down from a mild episode of psychosis. Yeah, okay…how can psychosis be “mild.” I guess I call it mild because I recognized the signs right away and had my husband take me to the hospital before I lost complete control. However, I did lose control in the controlled environment, so it didn’t get too bad. I remember thinking that I needed to turn myself into “scientists” so they could study me then kill me for the sake of research. I had it in my mind that I needed to die to save people with bipolar disorder from suffering anymore.

Yeah, that’s me. The sacrificial lamb. Looking back on it, I see I was crazy to think that my life could make any dent in the stigma that plagues bipolar people. Even coming down from that extreme high, I felt like I had to make a difference somehow. I started this blog thinking that I would have a million hits by the end of the month and people will finally realize that bipolar people may be unique, but pretty cool to get to know. People would see that there are so many of us out there and that those without bipolar disorder could see that we are people. That we want the same things they do. However, so many of us with bipolar disorder still think we have to hide. That we have to be ashamed.

It’s so sad.

It’s sad that no one thinks to care until someone dies. Then we are remembered in a negative light. 😦 No one praises our abilities or even those that have the disorder and are making a difference. It’s enough to make me want to cry.

Inner Turmoil

robin_williams_01News of Robin Williams’ death made my heart plummet and my eyes well up with tears. Learning he may have committed suicide brought thoughts of hopelessness to my already raging depression.

I remember once discovering that Robin Williams may have had bipolar disorder and not just depression, but now I can’t find any proof of that. He never openly admitted to having bipolar disorder. Bipolar or not, it shouldn’t matter. He was an exceptional man. Unfortunately, his inner turmoil overwhelmed him for whatever reason.

Williams’ death will hopefully help others realize that they should get help for their depression, instead of trying to deal with it on their own.

Deepest Sympathy to Robin Williams’ family and his friends. The legend will be missed.

 

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!

Woman_Pulling_Hair_outOkay. That’s it! I’m about ready to kick someone’s ass to Jupiter! I have had enough. I VOLUNTEER for a service organization and I do A LOT when I can. I’m not perfect. I have my limitations. I do not want to be told my inadequacies and then submit it to 40 other people so they can tell me how much I suck at making changes to the website. I do not want to be treated like a little girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Oh! I just want to rant and rave about the audacity of some people.

I said yesterday I was on the brink. Well, now I’m beyond the edge. My bipolar disorder is throwing me back and forth from terribly upset to fuming angry. Grr! Like I didn’t have enough shit to do. Now I have to worry about a website that everyone has just ignored for the past 2 years. I have another job to do for this organization that takes way too much time that I’ve been more concerned with lately.

We all meet Saturday. I hope my irritation with this person settles by then or I might say something that I will regret. Or I’ll burst into tears when confronted and then tell everyone to go fuck themselves. Either way, Saturday is going to be interesting.