Not Falling…Yet. I think.

Cat hanging in thereHow is everything? I’m sure you’re wondering. I am too, by the way.

My husband is still looking for a job. He refuses to work with me at my parents’ company. I don’t blame him though. I don’t want to work there either most of the time. I’m so over stressed that I’m surprised I’m not falling into psychosis again.

Of course that’s the most likely thing to happen to me right now. Let’s add insult to injury…sorry for the cliché.

I’ve started writing another novel. I’m so happy when I’m writing in a different world. I don’t like writing about my life anymore. Sorry everyone. That’s mainly why I’m never really on here anymore. Real life is not nearly as exciting as world building and character arcs.

I wish I could write fulltime everyday. I’m sure many people wish that, but not many are able to do that. I know I’m never going to be able to, mainly because I’m not that good. I’m never finished a book worth reading before. I did finish one that the Beta readers said it was like reading two different books, so I shelved it. If I had a fireplace, I would have burned it. Now onto a different genre with this novel. Hopefully it goes better for me.

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For Dear Life

Cat hanging in thereFor the last four days, I’ve been taking care of my twin sister after her knee and wrist surgery. It’s amazing how exhausted I feel today. I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed for a change. I miss my husband and my cat. I’m excited that I will see them tonight. My sister is doing a lot better, so my other sister is going to take over for me. I might have to come back in a couple of days, but I just need to return home.  I’m already terribly homesick.

I’m itching to write again, but haven’t found the time. I changed a couple of scenes near the end of my book, but now I have to write a whole new ending. Oops. Actually, my new idea for the ending is a lot better. I think. Gosh! I wish I could ask someone what they think about this drastic change. I just want to pound my head into the wall now. So much to change. I will never finish this book I am writing. A part of me just wants to give up on it and stop writing. Then I realize that I’d be giving up on the one thing in my life that I actually enjoy doing more than reading.

Grr! I can’t let work or that service organization take up too much of my life. I need to hold on to my dream for dear life. I can’t let myself get too bogged down or too discouraged about my writing.

 

Touch Me

Maya Angelou quoteMy body is getting use to the increase in Lithium. Phew, it didn’t take long. I’m pretty stable and I’m liking it now. I just needed to give my body some time I guess.

I finished my third draft to my manuscript. I sent it out to Beta readers, but I wish I had more than just 2 right now.  How do you find beta readers anyway and how many is the right amount? I’m looking for those that have experience in the publishing business. Well, hopefully 2 will work for right now.  I just have to wait to see what they say about my novel. I’m so excited. I’m taking a break from the book now and I’m trying to learn how to write query letters and what I will need to do to find an agent.

If anyone could give me any advice in the publishing business, I am all ears!

Very recently, I turned 34! Wow, I feel older than that actually! I guess that is what happens when you marry a man ten years older than you. 🙂

For those wondering about my marriage because you have been following…my husband and I are maintaining the status quo. I don’t think that will ever change. I’m pretty sure with our avoidance of the topic and issue, we have decided not to have children. I don’t know how I feel about that. Actually, I’m relieved. Knowing my luck, my husband will say tomorrow…let’s try to have a baby.  WTF! LOL! Ah, really? No. I doubt that very much. He’d have to touch me first.

My Rocky Path

light at end of tunnelLife is often times filled with the unexpected and sometimes it is filled with complacency. I just read a post from a friend and I felt my heart go out to her during her hard time of loneliness. I wish I could help her in some way, but how? I have no words of wisdom, but I do want her to know that I’m here for her if she needs someone. She doesn’t have to be alone.

Why does life have to be so complicated? Recently, another friend of mine from high school lost her father unexpectedly. His death reminded me that my father does not have long for this world. I dread the moment when he is no longer … I can’t even type the words. Tears are flowing just at the thought. My life and the life of my family revolves around my father. He created the company that we all work for and I fear that the company will go with him when…

I’m lucky to have my husband and the love and support of his family, but that could be taken away from me too. What would I do?

I’ve often heard people say things like…”Life doesn’t have a remote control, get up and change it yourself.” Well, how do you change a life that is dictated by everyone else around you? My father, my husband, my siblings…what would I do without them? Right now, I’m just living in complacency. Waiting for the shoe to drop, but not doing anything to prepare myself for that day. The day when I will have to make a choice…follow my dream or pick up the reigns my father left behind. Can I turn my back on my family? Can I be strong and change this path by following my dream now? I know I will have the support of my husband. He is the light at the end of the tunnel. I just don’t know if I can create that rocky path through the unknown just yet.

Most importantly, can I deal with the pain and emotional trauma my father’s death will put on me? Will my bipolar disorder envelop me once again and send me on an extreme psychotic episode or lead me to suicide? I can’t let myself be blindsided. I have to prepare myself as much as I can.  How? How the hell do I do that? Heaven help me!

Getting Out from Under

Cat hanging in thereHello Everyone,

A new year should mean resolutions. Well, I don’t believe in resolutions. You should always strive to be a better person all year round, not just at the beginning of the year.

I’m so irritated though with work and that service club I am in, but I won’t get into that.

On my spare time, I’ve been writing a Romantic Thriller. I’m so absorbed into that world that I’d rather not live in my own right now. I started a Writer’s Circle lately that is going really well. Great people and advise is making the second draft practically write itself. 🙂 Okay, I’m exaggerating.

Because of some of the responses I get from those in my Writer’s Circle on my critiques of their work, I’m thinking of taking some courses and getting certified to be a freelance editor. I know. Those in the business are reading this blog and thinking…too many editorial no-nos already in just this post. I know. But this is just a conversational blog. I didn’t write this thinking I had to put on a formal writing facade. So…don’t judge this as to how I often write.

Does anyone have any pointers or horror stories to share about the business. I know what it is like to run your own company, so I’m not worried about that side of the business.

I want to get out from under my parents and do something for me.

Well, I’m sure this is just a one way conversation with myself anyway. I’m not on here like I use to be. I guess blogging didn’t work out for me the way I thought it would.

Duals

Spastic Celebration

pregnant-woman-silhouette-cartoonLast month was nerve wracking for me. My husband and I were intimate, but then my period did not arrive for its regularly scheduled program. I freaked! I do want a baby soon, but my psychiatrist jumped ship and I had no one to help me with this predicament. I’m on lithium and Abilify and Ropinerole which are all three not a good idea to be on when pregnant. However, three weeks later during Thanksgiving day celebrations, I get my period. OMG was it painful! The relief and the disappointment threw me into a spastic celebration of tears and laughter. Man, talk about being bipolar. I went through the whole spectrum in like ten minutes.

Now, I have to work on getting a new psychiatrist and therapist. I need to develop a plan for next time this situation arises. I realized I really do want to have a baby, but I am so scared of all the things that come with it. I hope I can find a good support team. I’m sick of just finding a doctor that is “good enough” instead of one I really like. 😦

Well thanks for letting me veg about my dilemma. Now, if only work could be less of a roller coaster too. 😦

Duals

World of Hell

USA in flamesSo, I’m all alone today. My husband is away for work. I’m sitting in my office wondering what to do with myself and decided to update everyone. So, anything new? Not with me. I have nothing to report. No change, really. My moods aren’t as gloomy as the other day’s post, but I really didn’t want to get more depressed than that. That’s something positive about my bipolar disorder. I just get almost suicidal before I spike up to manic or psychotic. Whoo hoo! This time though I just kinda leveled off to a depressed negativity instead of manic or suicidal. I doubt my situation of health and wealth will allow me to get happy. Life sucks, and then you die is exactly how life seems to be like in this world of hell.