No Concept

DSCN3930Well, my psychiatrist freaked out about my inability to sleep through the night because of potty time and my irritability. I was so shocked by her complete lack of calm that I knew I couldn’t tell her that my husband and I want to start trying to have a baby. I think she would have dropped with a heart attack if I added that to my list of issues. She started spatting off different drugs and couldn’t think of one for bipolar mania that was better than lithium and that wouldn’t make me gain weight. She was freaking out about that too. She asked me if I was at least dieting and exercising. Was I at least trying?

I flat out told her no. Yes, I’m fucking huge. I recognize that, but I just don’t connect with the need to change my whole existence to lose weight.

She looked like she wanted to scream when I told her that.

So, because she looked like she was going to blow, I told her that if we lower my lithium dose right now and see how I handle that, then we can consider changing my meds. She calmed down and I left. In and out in 10 minutes. Holy crap.

If I’m manic right now, then she seriously needs to take a chill pill herself.

When this all came down, I was slightly manic that day though. I had spent my day gaining access to my childhood home that I lived in for 23 years because the tenants supposedly abandoned the place without telling us. I found holes in the walls, busted doors and windows, trash scattered, and dog feces and urine everywhere. I learned that four dogs were left in the house for four weeks without being allowed outside. Let’s just say that I was very happy I didn’t eat that day.

Still dealing with the drama of that mess. Yuck! I’m not happy. I’m allergic to dogs, so I don’t care for them much even though I think they are so cute, but the cruelty of locking up four dogs in a house for that long astounds me. People are sick!

Seeing the place I grew up in be destroyed like that really affected me. It took me six days to calm down enough to sleep without waking from nightmares of what I saw and thinking about what I should do.

It’s amazing how people can lie and manipulate to get what they want, but have no concept of how they hurt and damage other people with their actions in the process.

More than I Can Chew

Bite-off-moreI think I bit off more than I can chew…I love that cliche. 🙂 But it is so accurate right now. I have too much to do this week with my service organization, my writing group, my book club, the county fair, and work. Plus a family member is having surgery today. I hope all goes well. Well, book club I decided to cancel because I just couldn’t get into the book and I still had about six hours left of the book on the same day we were suppose to meet. The pressure made me decide not to go.

If anything else happens this week, I might fall off the cliff. I can tell that I’m struggling with depression right now. Thoughts of gloom and doom are biting my heels. I feel like giving up on everything…and all I want to do is SLEEP! Oh, to feel my sheets and blanket snuggled around me as I close my eyes…

Ugh! I need to stop. I need to get organized and get all the shit I need to do done! But I can’t help worrying about “what if.” Grr! I’m driving myself crazy and no one else needs to help me with it. Please refrain from adding something new to the mix. I really can’t handle anything more this week.


zombi bunnyWhat the hell is wrong with me?  I set a deadline for June 9 to have my 3rd draft ready to send to my beta readers, but I’m procrastinating on working on it. UGH!!! I could have spent the last two hours working, but instead I’m on the internet.  Jeez! My head is just not in it. I’m pissed my psych had me up my lithium. Why? Now I’m on 1200 mg of ER Lithium and at times I’m a fucking zombie. DAMN! Right now, I’m pissed. GRR!!!

I hate change. Why the hell does my new psych want to change my meds? I liked my slightly unstable stability. I was happy with that. Now I have a headache trying to think to write just this post.  😦

I’ve been Zombified!

Are You Ready to Rumble?

depressed girlYesterday, I worked on my book. I love writing. I can’t wait to clean up the one I’m working on now and move on to my next project.

[Sigh] That is how I know I’m dangerously close to mania. Maybe even psychotic…soon. I just received my blood workup for my psychiatrist. My vitamin D is very low, my lithium level is low, my WBC is high and my red blood cells are low and I’m anemic. That sounds about right. I should be spiraling into depression, but when I feel like crap…that is when my mania comes out.

But I do feel like crap. Maybe I’ll become suicidal…I doubt that though. I’m too excited about my book.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I was told to start taking Melatonin for that. Does anyone like/hate taking that?

Anyway, I wake up at 4am and want to write, so I stay up for an hour then go back to sleep. Is that bad?

I feel confused and exhausted…but excited and happy. Boy…I’m the definition of Bipolar. LOL

Maybe my depression symptoms are fighting my manic symptoms so that is why I’m still considered stable to those around me?

Man, I need more sleep!


Looking for Some Help

Write psychoticAs I work on my novel, I think back to a lot of what happened to me with my bipolar disorder psychotic episodes. I realize that I wasn’t like many bipolar people then and now. I wonder why. I’m writing the first section of my book like a memoir and those that are reading it are surprised by her psychotic tendencies and say that that isn’t bipolar disorder, that is something else. That surprised me.


I opened up about my bipolar disorder to my Writer’s group, but I realize that I am not portraying a wide variety of those that are bipolar in my book. I’m centered only on my reactions and my experiences. My group and many people who get to know me tell me that I “don’t act bipolar.” What do they mean by that? How am I suppose to act? That irritates me. How would they know?

Do bipolar people have such a bad reputation that people expect us to be flying off our seats or crying in the corner ALL the time?

Fuck that!

One thing that my first psychiatrist told me is that I am unusual because I have a very high IQ for empathy. I ignored what he meant by that, but now I’m wondering. How does that make me different? Am I different? Or just damn lucky I found the right medicine cocktail right off the bat.

However, I’m worried. I have never had my kidneys tested, I think. My sister who is also bipolar just did and her kidney functions are low. It could be caused from the lithium, but it mostly is the fact that she has been popping anti-inflammatory like they were candy. But still, I’ve been on lithium ten years longer than she has. What if….

I don’t want to even think about it right now. Scary Thought!

So, I would love to hear from others if you can identify from my post how I am different. I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m not dramatic enough at times, but too extreme other times.

Looking for some help in understanding.

Thanks, Duals


Getting Out from Under

Cat hanging in thereHello Everyone,

A new year should mean resolutions. Well, I don’t believe in resolutions. You should always strive to be a better person all year round, not just at the beginning of the year.

I’m so irritated though with work and that service club I am in, but I won’t get into that.

On my spare time, I’ve been writing a Romantic Thriller. I’m so absorbed into that world that I’d rather not live in my own right now. I started a Writer’s Circle lately that is going really well. Great people and advise is making the second draft practically write itself. 🙂 Okay, I’m exaggerating.

Because of some of the responses I get from those in my Writer’s Circle on my critiques of their work, I’m thinking of taking some courses and getting certified to be a freelance editor. I know. Those in the business are reading this blog and thinking…too many editorial no-nos already in just this post. I know. But this is just a conversational blog. I didn’t write this thinking I had to put on a formal writing facade. So…don’t judge this as to how I often write.

Does anyone have any pointers or horror stories to share about the business. I know what it is like to run your own company, so I’m not worried about that side of the business.

I want to get out from under my parents and do something for me.

Well, I’m sure this is just a one way conversation with myself anyway. I’m not on here like I use to be. I guess blogging didn’t work out for me the way I thought it would.


Spastic Celebration

pregnant-woman-silhouette-cartoonLast month was nerve wracking for me. My husband and I were intimate, but then my period did not arrive for its regularly scheduled program. I freaked! I do want a baby soon, but my psychiatrist jumped ship and I had no one to help me with this predicament. I’m on lithium and Abilify and Ropinerole which are all three not a good idea to be on when pregnant. However, three weeks later during Thanksgiving day celebrations, I get my period. OMG was it painful! The relief and the disappointment threw me into a spastic celebration of tears and laughter. Man, talk about being bipolar. I went through the whole spectrum in like ten minutes.

Now, I have to work on getting a new psychiatrist and therapist. I need to develop a plan for next time this situation arises. I realized I really do want to have a baby, but I am so scared of all the things that come with it. I hope I can find a good support team. I’m sick of just finding a doctor that is “good enough” instead of one I really like. 😦

Well thanks for letting me veg about my dilemma. Now, if only work could be less of a roller coaster too. 😦