Wait for it…

If life could get worse for me, it will.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but sex has never been very important to my husband. For the last 3.5 years we hadn’t had sex, but a few weeks back, that changed. My husband was finally in the mood after a 10 day trip away. Did I tell him no? Of course not. I was so excited and well, not thinking.

So, now I’m a week late. I’m going to take the pee-on-a-stick test tonight, but before I do. I wanted to write down my thoughts.

Do I want a baby? No. Yes. No. Oh hell no. Maybe. UGH!!!

Being bipolar, I am so afraid of causing my baby any health conditions. Birth defects can happen.

Plus, the stress I’m in right now. I can’t afford to go crazy when I’m pregnant. I’m so scared.

Why am I under stress? My previous employment is no more, so I have to find a job. We just sold our house and have to be out by the end of April, but we don’t have another house to move into yet. The club I’m in is adding more and more responsibility to me. I’m so busy and then I don’t get appreciated at our convention. Thanks!

To make matters worse, my best friend and sister has tried to commit suicide 3x in the past month. My heart screams thinking about it. I was gone her first try, but she just threw up all the pills and slept it off. The second time, I noticed her texts to me were unusual so I asked my other sister to check on her and we realized she lied to both of us and went off on her own. My sister got to her first and called the ambulance just in time. I lived an hour away and had no hope of getting to her in time. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital. Then a few days later, she made a good plan, but she decided to ask for help instead of carrying it out. Now she’s back in the hospital.

All this pain in losing my family company and almost losing my sister is crushing me because now I’m just waiting for the bomb to take me out.

Oh wait. Am I pregnant?

“Gosh, Don’t Scare Me Like That!”

Well, I’m not tired right now and it’s midnight. Yuck! I think I drank too much caffeine today, but it probably was the panic I felt when I read Heather Whistler’s blog “Jumbling Towers” http://heatherwhistler.wordpress.com/about/. I panicked when I read that 90% of marriages fail when one of the partners are bipolar. Holy SH*T!!! I freaked before I actually read the article she posted along with that statistic, “Partners for Life: Beating the Bipolar Odds” by Michelle Roberts from BP Magazine http://bphope.com/Item.aspx/104/partners-for-life . The article was very informative and I suggest people read it!! Gosh, don’t scare me like that people! I think I was doing better before I knew that. Now, I’m freaking out! Wait…think of your husband and your relationship. Okay, I feel better. Few. The article gave good pointers that my husband and I already do and have done or survived through.

I’m calming down now, but I’m still wired. It makes me ponder on my relationship with my husband. Do I not appreciate him? Am I being selfish right now? Actually, I don’t think so. According to my therapist, I let my own self disappear behind my husband, my sisters, my brother, and my parents before I considered doing anything for me. However, now that I’m trying to step out of my cocoon with writing this book, my therapist tells me that I should start small like with short stories and poetry instead of writing a novel. Isn’t this blog starting small? Now I’m working up to something bigger. Besides, short stories and poetry don’t really cut it for me anymore. I did those back in high school and college.

Anyway, I want to write this novel. I’ve had the idea since 2007, but keep on letting people or my mood swings discourage me from writing it. I’ve gone through four different styles and I finally think I’ve found the right fit for me. Watch though. I go to publish it and I’m told the style is all wrong and needs to be rewritten. 😦    I hope not!!!

Well, I’m getting tired now…I hope. I’m going to try to sleep. Thanks for listening. 🙂

Duals

Have You Found Your Soul Mate?

soul mates 2Qualities I have noticed that I possess and desire in others are ambition, perseverance, and thoughtfulness. I hold these qualities dear to my heart. Knowing what qualities you love in your own self is important when you are single and looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.

I know. I know. How do I know?

“The most difficult thing to explain in life is the simplest truth called love.”    –Ramanathan Srinivasan

 Of course, I don’t know! However, I still want to put in my two cents about it. I know I found the love of my life by searching for someone who truly fits those qualities without having him tell me he did.

  “Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.”   –Leo Buscaglia

Watch and observe, girls. Don’t list off a bunch of things you want and are prepared to do all you can to change in him if he doesn’t fit your mold. We are not sculptors of the human flesh and brain. Also remember that you are not perfect and neither is everyone else, so find someone to love you for you and show the decency of doing the same. People don’t change their core qualities. You don’t either. So learn your core before looking for someone else’s. Even Plato agrees that we need to look for the other half of our core.  

In Plato’s Symposium, Aristophanes states that when we were created by the gods, we were in the form of male, female, and androgynous spheres. We were happy, but strong and powerful in our complete forms. We decided to storm the heavens to mingle with the gods. The gods were angry and punished humans by separating us forming halves of the whole. From then on, humans have been searching for their other half, their soul mate.

So, how do you find your soul mate after you identify your own core? Some people believe that fate brings you together somehow, which I agree. However, you still have to be willing to use the tools fate hands you. What am I talking about? Well, let me tell you my story and then I think you will have a better understanding of what I’m trying to get at.

 At the end of my second year of teaching, a colleague and good friend of mine was filling out a profile on Match.com. She tried to get me to do the same, but I hesitated. I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with a dating service that was just like the bars but more constant. I had enough rejection in my life when it came to men that I didn’t need guys on the computer to reject me even faster. At twenty-four with only one boyfriend in my past, I believed I would remain the single spinster with a house full of cats and a part of me almost preferred that. Almost…

I watched my friend, and she cinched it when she showed me exactly how the site worked. She even did a search for me of my criteria and I was amazed at the results. For the first time in my life, I was able to be critical instead of just on display and desperate. I filled out my own profile and then let the games begin. Of course, I went through a bunch of duds and seemingly great guys rejected me, but it still didn’t take me long to spot him. After a month on Match.com, I came across his profile who wasn’t the most handsome man but he was a mechanical engineer. Yes, he was plain and ten years older than me, but I knew by his profile that he “said” he fulfilled my core requirements. Now, I had to discover if he really did and if he would reciprocate interest in me.

We chatted online for two weeks and then talked over the phone for two hours and we knew we both wanted to meet. Before him, I met one other guy that “said” he was my core, but wasn’t, so I was hesitant. Will he be a creep, a stalker-type, or abusive?

We met June 25, 2005 at a small country pizza pub. With one look, I thought, Crap. He looks disappointed. Oh, well. Let’s get this over with so I can go home.

By the end of four hours of talking at the pub and then at Culver’s for ice cream, I knew. With my root beer float stained shirt, I knew he was the man of my dreams. He was the man I wanted to marry. He was all I wanted in myself and in a life partner. He had my core qualities and he even had the qualities I wish I had. He was perfect and it shocked me he was still single. I just had to be myself to win him over too. He didn’t even care when I told him I was bipolar!

He proposed July 28, 2006 at his townhouse with his Christmas tree up and the ring in the tree with lights. He knew Christmas was my favorite holiday. So, he gave me Christmas in July. We were married June 2, 2007 in the church his parents and grandparents were married.

So, now it is your turn to pay attention to your core and wait for fate to give you the tools you need for love to find you. If you have found love, let others know by telling your story in the comments.