Not Falling…Yet. I think.

Cat hanging in thereHow is everything? I’m sure you’re wondering. I am too, by the way.

My husband is still looking for a job. He refuses to work with me at my parents’ company. I don’t blame him though. I don’t want to work there either most of the time. I’m so over stressed that I’m surprised I’m not falling into psychosis again.

Of course that’s the most likely thing to happen to me right now. Let’s add insult to injury…sorry for the clich√©.

I’ve started writing another novel. I’m so happy when I’m writing in a different world. I don’t like writing about my life anymore. Sorry everyone. That’s mainly why I’m never really on here anymore. Real life is not nearly as exciting as world building and character arcs.

I wish I could write fulltime everyday. I’m sure many people wish that, but not many are able to do that. I know I’m never going to be able to, mainly because I’m not that good. I’m never finished a book worth reading before. I did finish one that the Beta readers said it was like reading two different books, so I shelved it. If I had a fireplace, I would have burned it. Now onto a different genre with this novel. Hopefully it goes better for me.

The Sacrificial Lamb

sacrifice-perfect-you-Perfection-inspire-QuotesI guess today marks my 5 year anniversary of blogging. I started this blog when I was manic, coming down from a mild episode of psychosis. Yeah, okay…how can psychosis be “mild.” I guess I call it mild because I recognized the signs right away and had my husband take me to the hospital before I lost complete control. However, I did lose control in the controlled environment, so it didn’t get too bad. I remember thinking that I needed to turn myself into “scientists” so they could study me then kill me for the sake of research. I had it in my mind that I needed to die to save people with bipolar disorder from suffering anymore.

Yeah, that’s me. The sacrificial lamb. Looking back on it, I see I was crazy to think that my life could make any dent in the stigma that plagues bipolar people. Even coming down from that extreme high, I felt like I had to make a difference somehow. I started this blog thinking that I would have a million hits by the end of the month and people will finally realize that bipolar people may be unique, but pretty cool to get to know. People would see that there are so many of us out there and that those without bipolar disorder could see that we are people. That we want the same things they do. However, so many of us with bipolar disorder still think we have to hide. That we have to be ashamed.

It’s so sad.

It’s sad that no one thinks to care until someone dies. Then we are remembered in a negative light. ūüė¶ No one praises our abilities or even those that have the disorder and are making a difference. It’s enough to make me want to cry.

So Where’s My Silver Lining?

So, did you enjoy watching “The Silver Lining’s Playbook”?¬† I did. I went to the theater on a Monday afternoon all by myself and saw the movie on the big screen. I loved it. I was very happy that Jennifer Lawrence won Best Actress (Oscar) for her role. She deserved it! She did an excellent job portraying her character. I wish Bradley Cooper won Best Actor, but going against Daniel Day-Lewis was pretty tough. I really liked how the portrayal of mental illness was more realistic in this movie than in most.

As someone who knows what it is like to live with bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies, I identified deeply to Bradley’s character. Lately, I’ve been writing a lot more than I have in a while. I keep on wanting to write my story. Is that bad? I come up with another novel idea, start to write it, but I never finish it. I always go back to me. I know I just need to write it now and then shelve it. Get it out of my head, but delving into the past and especially analyzing what set me off the first time when I was diagnosed, may be detrimental to my health. It may make a good book though. LOL!

I know while I do this, I should find a new therapist to talk to about these issues that arise, but I really don’t want to start all over again. Besides, I don’t think I have much time with my work.

For those that have been keeping tabs on me, my life basically hasn’t changed much.

Family: Husband and I are still romantically distant. No change there. He continues to tell me that we will have children one day, but I’ll be 33 soon, so the time is slipping away. Plus having children at my weight and taking my meds is going to be a huge challenge. I’m seriously considering adopting, but can I with my mental history?

Weight: Still a blimp. Not doing anything to improve myself either. I have a gym membership that I’ve only used once in the two years I’ve had it and I’ve been on weight watchers for a while now, but never follow it. Go me!

Well, those were the main issues I can think of. I love writing. I wished I loved exercising just as much.

So what did you think about “Silver Lining”? I’d really like to get a conversation about that movie going.

TTYL

Duals

Who Gives a Care!

I guess you can say I’ve given up on a lot of things lately. I don’t know what is wrong with me. My bipolar tendencies have turned to the realm of the undead I suppose. I’m not even close to being manic. Am I “normal”…oh sorry…”stable”? Maybe, but I doubt it. I’m not suicidal. Am I depressed? A level of it, yes, I think. I’m in the “I don’t care, but I know I should” state of existence. It is hard for me to get up in the morning, but when I do surface, I go with the motions. I can’t seem to consentrate on things to the degree I need to sometimes, so shit isn’t getting done.

My relationship with my husband…epitomy of “I don’t care, but I know I should” at this point. I haven’t felt close romantically to my husband in a while. (That’s an understatement.)¬†I’m not cheating and he’s not cheating. That’s not the problem. We are best friends, but just not with the benefits anymore. I know I should miss that, but lately I’ve stopped caring in getting the status quo to change.

I also stopped seeing my therapist. She left the practice and I haven’t made the¬†effort to find a new one. I just don’t care.

I can’t seem to read lately or even listen to audiobooks.

Writing?  Yeah, right! That creative canvas is utterly blank.

I’m realizing¬†that I’ve needed to write all this down for a while. I never noticed before that I’m definitely depressed and I need to watch out for falling deeper into the “I just don’t care” realm to the next level. I don’t even know what that level is. What is worse than not caring¬†anymore?

Yes, I’m bipolar, but depression is a side I don’t see very often. I’m the¬†manic bipolar with psychotic tendencies.¬†I fight depression usually and it kicks me quickly into mania then¬†rapidly into psychosis. I guess I should worry¬†more about getting “happy” then. Problem is…right now I¬†feel… nothing. ¬†I’m analyzing things and I just wish I didn’t¬†feel a life¬†with no hope.

My sister is encouraging¬†me to start Weight Watchers. I need to do it. I know this. I’ve become the human blob. My problem is is that my mood doesn’t …yep you guessed it…care. I count points one minute, then give up the next. It’s my first week, so maybe I’ll use this blog more often again to journal about my experience with it. Would you like that? Or is it just a waste of time because nobody gives a shit about me.