Reality Check!

I’ve been avoiding writing this post because it is really bothering me, but I’m afraid to write it all down. So bare with me because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

 I saw my therapist on Monday. Yeah, I know it’s Sunday night right now, so that tells you I’ve been avoiding this that long. She smacked me around during our session with a big reality check that had me in tears later that night and major depression spinning me into this avoidance thing. She started by asking how our sessions were going in my opinion, a major question I hadn’t prepared for. She also wanted me to sight my goals for therapy. Okay…these questions shouldn’t have been so difficult, but I BLANKED! I couldn’t think of anything to say. So she proceeded by digging deep into my “not okay, uncomfortable, please avoid” territory in my psyche to point out to me what some of my goals should be.  

One of them should be to work on my marriage. DAH! Here’s a biggy that I should be like…”damn straight,” but instead I’m like, “it’s not so bad. We’re happy. We love each other. Everything’s fine.” Um, if that is the case why haven’t we had SEX in a long, long, long while. Oh, by the way, have I told you we don’t even sleep in the same bedroom? Oh, and have I bitched yet about how much my husband plays video games when he’s home? Right now, he’s playing and watching IronMan while I pour out my feelings to you instead of him. We are emotionally, physically, and mentally separated from each other. There is no passion, no signs of affection outside of air kisses….yes, AIR kisses! and the ocasional “I love you, babe.” UGHHHHHH!

My bipolar ass really wants to go bipolar on his ass and smack him around a bit. I want to yell and scream and pound on him and say “I’m right here you fucker! Why won’t you be here for me?! Why don’t I matter? Why do you always put work first and your service club first before ME?  You always say family first! Well, damn it, I’m your family so why am I not FIRST?

My therapist also said that I should hold off on having a baby until these problems are settled. Blow #2! Jeez, want to cut out my heart while your at it?

Oh, and then she brings up work and how my parents show favoritism towards my brother and drag me through the mud because I’m responsible and I’m “me.” I need to work on talking with them and accerting myself. I need to demand they treat me as a more valuable employee than my brother, who is never at work, but gets paid the same as me (sometimes more).

Okay, so I left my therapist’s room dazed, stunned, shocked, raw, and miserable. I hadn’t had time to processes all that she said. So, when I saw my husband and he saw that I was obviously depressed, he asked, “So how’d it go with your therapist?” My answer was….”YOU don’t want to know” and I walked away from him. On Tuesday, I told him about our therapy session and that we needed to wait to have a baby until we work on our marriage. That I will need him to be there for the kids and me and that his coming home from work and the Club completely exhausted and mentally, emotionally, and physically detached had to stop. His answer, “Well, when we have children. It will stop. It has to.”

Um okay, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE HERE FOR ME NOW SO WE CAN EVEN POSSIBLY HAVE CHILDREN YOU ASS! YOU KINDA NEED TO HAVE SEX FIRST! Of course that is what I was THINKING, I couldn’t say it out loud. I was left stunned into silence. So I’m left with the unspeakable answer “don’t fuck with the status quo.” Guys, don’t get me wrong. I know there is something about me that he probably wants me to fix. That I also need to change to get this marriage to work, but when I don’t have ANY IDEA what that is…it leaves me with no method to make him happy. I asked him if it’s my weight, he says no, but I’m really left with the only two reasons I know that I need to change: I need to be more attractive and I need to become Suzie Homemaker. I hate cleaning and cooking, so the house is chaotic and we eat out way too much. So I can work on those things, but I have a laundry list for him that I’ve mentioned to him before BUT HE WON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! UGHHH!

What do I do? I’ve thought of leaving but that’s just like the separate bedroom thing. It still won’t affect him. I teased him about it today. He said, “I’ll miss Lucy.” (Lucy is our cat!) He’ll just miss my nightly back massages (that don’t lead to anything) that I give him mostly every night before he goes to bed. I’m really getting sick of this shit. I’m 30 years old. I want, I crave sex because I’m at my sexual peak. He’s 40 and not interested in sex. I’m going CRAZY!!!

HELP ME!

Not to Try

Well, I have more time to write again. Lately, work has been really slow, so I spend my time trying to finish my novel. It’s coming along as a rough draft pretty well right now. I have my moments of creativity, but sometimes I’m just blocked. It helps to write because it distracts me from what I don’t want to think about: my dad’s health and the health of the company.

So, I’m trying to think of something else to talk about…. I’m feeling pretty lonely right now. My husband is on a business trip until Thursday, so I’m alone in this big house. 😦 I’m going to my sisters later today, so that should help.

I watched the academy awards last night and I was excited that Natalie Portman won best actress for Black Swan. If you haven’t seen that movie, it is awesome. I totally related to her hardships and Natalie did an amazing job of playing the part of becoming …well don’t want to ruin it for you. What did you think of the movie? I thought it was scarier than “The Rite” because I identified with it more I guess. I’d love to tell you more, but you really should go see it. Awesome!!

I haven’t seen my therapist in over a week. I miss her. The last session we had my husband came along to meet her. It was interesting to hear his interpretation on my relationship with my family. I guess my family is an unhealthy influence on me, but I don’t know how that’s going to change anything. My therapist wants me to discover myself… that sounds like too much work. I’d actually have to do something for me for a change. YUCK!!! LOL! JK!!

I never do things for myself. I don’t have an idea as to where to start. I need to find a new career, but how? My therapist thinks I should go into the field of psychology because it’s obviously one of my passions. She knows how much helping others cope with bipolar disorder is one of my goals in life, but I just can’t get my foot into any door. I don’t even know where to start. Of course, I’m using all this as an excuse not to try. I’m good at that too. Boy, am I.

Nothing has Changed

I really don’t know what to say, but I want to give you an update. Working for my parents is still hard as ever. They didn’t do crap while I was gone, so now I have a ton of work to do and it all should have been done weeks ago. I’m not very happy. Actually, I’m really pissed off. Plus my dad is treating me like his “bitch” instead of an important asset to the company. My opinion does not matter on things, but he wants me to do everything. WTF! Plus, he is pissed when I took Tuesday off because I had my regular appointment with my therapist and I live an hour away, so it didn’t make sense to come in before or after the appointment. So, now he ordered me to change my appointments or not see my therapist anymore. DICK!!! THEN, he didn’t come in to work yesterday at all, so I had to do work that I just know didn’t matter because he’ll say he wanted it done this other way blah, blah, blah. He so micromanages that I don’t get things ever accomplished! He’s going to put me into another psychotic episode if he keeps this shit up! Maybe I’ll just go Bipolar on his ass. LOL!

Sorry for the short update. I need to get to work. 😦 I’m here already, but no one else is and I finished what I needed to supposedly do yesterday. So waiting. If only I could be cut loose. This place needs a lot of work and improvement, but EVERYTIME I work on a major project to improve how things are done around here. It is left on the way side, distroyed, ignored, ridiculed, or left unfinished. 😦   I’ve worked here for over 15 years and nothing has changed.

Blowing Up

Hi everyone!

I’m writing because I just feel like writing, but I have no idea what to say. Right now it is early in the morning, well for me it is. I have a therapist appointment later today and I haven’t been doing what she wants me to do. She’s been trying to get me to keep a mood chart again. I know I should, but I just don’t feel like it. She also wants me to ask myself 3 fundamental questions during the day:

  1. What have I been thinking about?
  2. Where are my safe zones?
  3. What are my reactions to people that I see during the day?

Um, okay. Not too tough, but crap…I don’t want to waste my time. I know it’s good to self reflect from time to time, but come on! I’ve done this two days out of seven, so I’m not looking forward to seeing my therapist today.

Yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist. Wow, that was five minutes of absolutely nothing. Of course I lied about following that damn diet he wants me to do. However, for the past week I have been trying, not succeeding mind you, but trying. My younger sister and I decided to try together, but we are both having a hard time with it. Plus, she lives about an hour from me, so the support isn’t here where I need it. I think my bipolar meds actually make me crave chocolate and sweets. Ugh!!! Why can’t I live my life the way I want to without having to worry about dieting.

Dieting….yuck!! I had such a bad time with it in school that I swore off of diets. I took Fen-Phen back when it was okay to take it and lost a ton of weight fast, but then also lost my gall bladder because of it. The pain was excruciating! Now, diets scare me. Hence the reason I look like a whale right now…no joke. I’m huge. I know I have to lose weight, but without any support team to diet and exercise around me, it is just too damn hard. Plus, I already have medical issues with my ankles and knees so exercising is not easy. Not to mention my asmtha. Ugh!! I really hate myself right now. I’m only 30 and I’m already falling about. Or should I say…blowing up.

Why did God make me Bipolar?

Recently, my therapist has me working on a project: I have to find myself to discover what I should do as a career choice. Of course, she ends it with “it’s the journey, not the end result.”

Sounds like fun to me…maybe.

Last night I started by writing down my beliefs. I realized that I fundamentally believe many different things, but one belief I discovered really helps me cope with managing being bipolar.

My Belief: We all serve a purpose (or many) no matter how small. God gives you obstacles in life to learn from, so that you can use that knowledge towards your main purpose in life. Our choices ultimately lead to a purpose or destiny in our life, but what we choose will dictate how easy or difficult our life will be on our path of life.

So, I wrote this all down last night, but today I question whether it is right. I always do that to myself. Of course, it is just my belief! I’m not even sure it is right, but I started forming this belief right after I was first diagnosed. It really helped me face my diagnosis and make amends with God. I was so angry with him at first and even questioned my faith.

I kept thinking why would this bad thing happen to me, who is basically a good person? Through the years, I have found that my struggles with bipolar disorder must have some purpose.

I know college years and my years as a teacher made me struggle so much with the disorder. I even struggled with wanting to tell my students, their parents, and my colleagues that I manage my bipolar disorder everyday, but I never did. My colleagues and the administration didn’t even know I was bipolar. The possible repercussions like lawsuits scared the crap out of me. I made the choice to stand by and not tell my students who needed someone to talk to. They needed to talk to an adult who knew what they were going through and was there for them. Even give them proof that they can have a normal life and have a mental illness.

 I was there for them, but not. It literally pained me to stand by and watch those students be treated like less important than other students. So much so, that I had a mixed episode and had to take a month off of work to return back to a stable level. I’ll never forget the day I returned to work to help the subs in the middle of my leave. One such student who was severly depressed and trying to finish her senior year was so hurt about my leave of absence that she said, “Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?” I lied and told her it was severe stomach ulcers and left the class to literally brake down in the teacher’s lounge, and then I left.   I regret not telling her the truth every day, but could I tell her? What happened to her after she graduated?

Now that I’m not teaching, I really want to do something to help those students I saw suffer from depression and bipolar disorder. The school system is so corrupt when it comes to helping students with mental disorders and protection from bullying. I don’t know how to go about doing so, but I think speaking out against the stigma and bullying is one of my many purposes in my life.