Not Falling…Yet. I think.

Cat hanging in thereHow is everything? I’m sure you’re wondering. I am too, by the way.

My husband is still looking for a job. He refuses to work with me at my parents’ company. I don’t blame him though. I don’t want to work there either most of the time. I’m so over stressed that I’m surprised I’m not falling into psychosis again.

Of course that’s the most likely thing to happen to me right now. Let’s add insult to injury…sorry for the cliché.

I’ve started writing another novel. I’m so happy when I’m writing in a different world. I don’t like writing about my life anymore. Sorry everyone. That’s mainly why I’m never really on here anymore. Real life is not nearly as exciting as world building and character arcs.

I wish I could write fulltime everyday. I’m sure many people wish that, but not many are able to do that. I know I’m never going to be able to, mainly because I’m not that good. I’m never finished a book worth reading before. I did finish one that the Beta readers said it was like reading two different books, so I shelved it. If I had a fireplace, I would have burned it. Now onto a different genre with this novel. Hopefully it goes better for me.

I Need to Stop with the “Because I’m Bipolar” Crap!

For some reason I have an awful song stuck in my head right now…”Whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you, Blame it on the rain yay, yay…” I think it’s appropriate for what I’m about to say, because I think the awful song is a crock of bull! Not accepting responsibility for your own actions is one of the many problems with this world today. Thank you everyone that has been trying to tell me this lately, I just didn’t want to hear it.

Okay! I get it. I can no longer hide behind my comfy little corner and pretend like everything is perfect when it is not. I am a mess and I can’t blame being bipolar as the reason for my messy life anymore. Damn! It was so easy to say that my meds make me fat, I’m not a teacher because I’m bipolar, I have no worth to another employer other than my father because I’m bipolar, I can’t speak out and be someone because I’m bipolar, I can’t write and publish because I’m bipolar, I can’t be a mother because I’m bipolar….and on and on. What a crock of shit!!! I can’t blame being bipolar as the reason I lead a shitty life right now–“right now”, scratch that. I’ve never let myself live my life since I was diagnosed in 1999! Heck, maybe even before that! I have ALWAYS left decisions up to everyone else. I just go with the flow. Well, Not Any More!!!! 

But crap! What do I do? I can say these things, but will I do these things?

Okay. I have to for my sake! Me! I have to remember that I am important too. Okay. I need to make this manageable and to set limitations. I can’t make myself manic over recreating my life. So, PLEASE help and advise me with this list. It’s a sketch right now so I need help, but I will make the final decision because this is my life I’m talking about! None of this is in a particular order right now.

GOALS:

  • Exercise until I can’t go on or until half an hour is up a day. Then add to it as I go.
  • Lesson my meal portions and avoid pop, sweets, and minimize carbs.
  • Eat more fruits and vegitables.
  • Drink a lot of water.
  • Spend at least an hour a day writing my novel, but do not let it become an obsession.
  • Take my meds every day and follow-up with my psychiatirst and therapist.
  • Fill out my daily journal and mood chart.
  • Find a job I will enjoy that is NOT working for my parents again. (This one is going to be tough.)
  • Find friends that share common interests. (Um, how do you do that?)

I’m sure I’m missing something important. Any ideas? Please comment and let me know what they might be.