How Do You Eat an Elephant?

Why hello! How are you all doing today? I’m exhausted from a long and busy 4th of July weekend, but all went well. I’ve been keeping myself really busy with work and with my service organization. Plus, I’m trying to pick up my writing again, but sometimes I don’t have time. I wish my writing would be able to come first in my life, but that seems to be impossible right now.

Work is slow in business, but I’ve been busy trying to generate more business. Being part owner of a company is exhausting!

So how are my moods? At times, I feel depression setting in. All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. Then I have moments where I feel all the pressure of getting things done and I can feel things faltering all around me. I can feel the tug of mania and I have to force myself to stop and settle down. Take things one step at a time.

My husband always asks me when I feel so overwhelmed, “How do you eat an elephant?”

“Yuck!” I answer.

He laughs and says, “One bite at a time.”

At first I had to think about that. What if you don’t have time to take only one bite? Then I thought, well how else do you eat it? It’s not like you can take more than one bite at a time without killing yourself. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to admit that he can be so rational when I’m running around with my head cut off.

He also says I have to learn to say “NO.” Yeah. Let me know how you do that, because I haven’t got a clue. Besides, he’s one to talk. He’s the one who got me into this service organization in the first place.

In all actuality, I’m surprised I’m as sane as I am right now. With all the pressure I’m under, I might be about to break though.

 

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Not Falling…Yet. I think.

Cat hanging in thereHow is everything? I’m sure you’re wondering. I am too, by the way.

My husband is still looking for a job. He refuses to work with me at my parents’ company. I don’t blame him though. I don’t want to work there either most of the time. I’m so over stressed that I’m surprised I’m not falling into psychosis again.

Of course that’s the most likely thing to happen to me right now. Let’s add insult to injury…sorry for the cliché.

I’ve started writing another novel. I’m so happy when I’m writing in a different world. I don’t like writing about my life anymore. Sorry everyone. That’s mainly why I’m never really on here anymore. Real life is not nearly as exciting as world building and character arcs.

I wish I could write fulltime everyday. I’m sure many people wish that, but not many are able to do that. I know I’m never going to be able to, mainly because I’m not that good. I’m never finished a book worth reading before. I did finish one that the Beta readers said it was like reading two different books, so I shelved it. If I had a fireplace, I would have burned it. Now onto a different genre with this novel. Hopefully it goes better for me.

Frustrations

depressed girlI feel like the walls are coming down around me and all I want to do is scream. I can feel that at moments I’m losing it. I can’t control my frustration and anger anymore around some people. My twin received a huge lash from my whip on Sunday because I’m worried about her decisions lately. She’s dating a guy who moved in with her and her son after knowing him for less than a month and she finally tells me the truth that he has had 5 kids with three different women in his past. I don’t understand how this is not raising a major RED flag for her, but she preaches that he’s learned from his mistakes and that he’s changed. Yeah right! A leopard can’t change his spots. It’s now been 2 months of dating and she is already talking about marriage… he married all three of these previous women too, so he’s not afraid to act like he’s committed at least.

That’s one frustration. The second is I’m still dealing with my parent’s house that has the tenants from hell destroying the place.

The third is that I’m in a writer’s group and part of their committee that is holding a huge conference in 2016 and I feel like they don’t give a shit about me or my ideas. I’m really thinking I’m going to have to quit the group because it is not helping me with my writing and I feel like dog shit every time I leave the meetings. When you don’t feel appreciated, it’s time to walk away. If I do it now, it gives them time to replace me on the committee at least.

If you forgot, I’m also in a service organization and I’m an important secretary, so I’m too busy with that too to worry about the writer’s group. I didn’t volunteer for the committee in the writer’s group anyway. I said I’d help the committee when the conference happens, but then they announced the I was the first to volunteer for the committee maybe ten minutes later and I didn’t have the heart to correct them.

My fifth frustration is the fact that I’m now running my parents’ company with very little help from them and no one is being appreciative. Rumors between some of the workers is that I’m irresponsible and scatterbrained and they should be in charge. Then they turn around and don’t do their job and make my job 10x more hectic. WTF! I’m really sick of people’s bull shit right now.

At least my own writers group that I’ve organized myself is going well. We just seem to make the meetings for the nights that become treacherous due to snow storms. Besides, I haven’t been able to write since October. I have nothing new to offer and I’m at a stand still with my first book because I don’t like how I ended it. I laid out how I want to write another paranormal romance series, but I realized that I don’t think I want to go the romance route anymore. I like to read romance but when I go to write it, only the typical cliched scenes come to my head. Nope. Not good.

Well, I hope everyone else is having a good 2015 so far. I know I’m not starting out that way. Hopefully, it will change.

Best Wishes to you!

Duals

Get Ready…Get Set…Write! Wait I’m Not Ready Yet!

writerNaNoWriMO is coming! (National Novel Writing Month) November is the month where writers hide from the “real” world as much as possible and spend their time writing a first draft from beginning to end. They have 30 days to write 50,000+ words.

I heard about this world of the writer last year soon after I started my own Writer’s Circle and then joined RWA. I didn’t do it last year because I was almost finished with my first novel.  I am now on the revision stage of that novel and have gotten stuck. So, I set it to the side for the meantime.  I started plotting and planning another idea in preparation for NaNoWriMo.

Then it hit me…how am I going to find the time to write when I can barely find time to plot out my book? I know I’m going to be way too busy to write a lot next month. 😦  I’m thinking about attempting to do it and if I don’t finish then it’s no big deal…right?

I don’t know. At least my husband and I haven’t conceived yet. Eek!

 

 

 

For Dear Life

Cat hanging in thereFor the last four days, I’ve been taking care of my twin sister after her knee and wrist surgery. It’s amazing how exhausted I feel today. I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed for a change. I miss my husband and my cat. I’m excited that I will see them tonight. My sister is doing a lot better, so my other sister is going to take over for me. I might have to come back in a couple of days, but I just need to return home.  I’m already terribly homesick.

I’m itching to write again, but haven’t found the time. I changed a couple of scenes near the end of my book, but now I have to write a whole new ending. Oops. Actually, my new idea for the ending is a lot better. I think. Gosh! I wish I could ask someone what they think about this drastic change. I just want to pound my head into the wall now. So much to change. I will never finish this book I am writing. A part of me just wants to give up on it and stop writing. Then I realize that I’d be giving up on the one thing in my life that I actually enjoy doing more than reading.

Grr! I can’t let work or that service organization take up too much of my life. I need to hold on to my dream for dear life. I can’t let myself get too bogged down or too discouraged about my writing.

 

Back to Writing

writerHello everyone!

My mood has greatly improved over the last few days. I finally feel like doing things again. I want to work on my book again.  I actually am working on electrical panels again instead of barely getting by. Now, if only the electrical room didn’t feel like 100 degrees inside due to the sun and the lack of a working air conditioner, I might get more accomplished. Damn that room is HOT!

I finally heard back from one of my beta readers. She raised some very important issues and had great suggestions, but how do you take the criticism and not want to rewrite your entire novel? My books a mess. Great. Now I have other readers reading the same thing and I wonder if they are have trouble with it. 😦

I don’t know when I’ll ever finish my book. At this rate, I’d rather take time to get it right than to worry about time. Hopefully, a literary agent will pick it up sometime. I just don’t know when I will be able to submit.

My Give-A-Damn

fuck-off-i-don-t-give-a-damnHow is everyone today? I’m feeling down because of a stomach flu. 😦

If my stomach would stop hurting, my mood would probably be great. The sun is shining and I took the day off.

Well, what do you want to hear about first?

I now have 6 Beta readers and my younger sister finally finished reading my manuscript. She said she liked it, but she noticed the holes. She gave great ideas as to how to fix them. 🙂 Now I’m going to wait from the other readers and see how exactly I should go back to the writing process. I just don’t know how long I should wait. I’m so anxious to get back to writing.

Now as for my medication… Has anyone out there used Lithium ER? I’m using it, but 900mg of regular Lithium had my level at .5. Now my Lithium level is .4 on 1200mg of ER. WTF!!! Two weeks into the higher dose I finally stopped feeling like a zombie. NOW Friday, I was instructed to take 1500mg of ER. So since Saturday, I’ve been on the highest dose of Lithium I have EVER been on. I suffered from Lithium toxicity on this amount of mg in 2000. So here is my question… is ER really not as affective as the regular Lithium?

Mood wise though…at times zombie-ish, but sometimes okay. However, I think I’m becoming more depressed. Maybe it’s the stomach flu I have today, but all I want to do is cry in a dark corner right now.

My GIVE-A-DAMN has disappeared when it comes to work. I really don’t care what happens to the company. I just want out. I want to find a new career that doesn’t include my family anymore. I want to finally grow some balls and walk away.