This is an update from a previous blog written October 12, 2009 “Have You Found Your Soul Mate?” https://mydualities.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/have-you-found-your-soul-mate/
June 2nd marked our three year anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been three years already since the wedding. However, we are so close that I feel like I’ve known my husband for a lifetime. Our love has stood firm as we have gone through some hard times.
I think many married couples can identify that the current economic crisis has added a lot of stress to some families. Our household hasn’t been affected too deeply, but the situation at our two different work places has added a lot of stress to our daily lives.
Well, last year when work stress was at its peak, we both decided to try to have a baby. With me turning thirty very soon, my psychiatrist thought that time would be perfect since I appeared stable. Since I am bipolar, we had to plan together on when I would stop taking my lithium and Abilify and switch to Lamictol. We all worried about the possible birth defects linked to these medications. However, I never went through any medication changes before. I had been on lithium for ten years with only one major mood shift of a mixed episode in between that time, which just meant a high dosage of lithium and the addition of Abilify.
After five months on only Lamictol, I started noticing that my emotions were heightened. I was ultra-sensitive. I was realizing the Lamictol wasn’t working anymore. I didn’t recognize that I was quickly spiraling into a manic episode. At work, I was a holy terror with little patience for people. I was working on four projects at one time and getting a lot done. At home, I was talkative and writing a lot about my past and researching about bipolar disorder. I wanted to write a book about the facts about being bipolar from the perspective of an average person with the disorder.
While writing, I paid close attention to the check lists. I knew I was either having a mixed episode or hypomanic as the sixth month of the different medication passed. I never thought I was already manic because I was sleeping. I could sleep seven hours and take naps during that time, but the night I no longer could sleep anymore was the night I panicked. I called my psychiatrist who told me to start taking my Abilify right away, which I did but night two went by with my mind racing to a startling level of psychosis. I believed I had to relive my traumatic past experience no matter the cost.
When my husband woke up that morning of the second night of no sleep, I told him to take me to the hospital. I needed to go through hospitalization again. Those two weeks during my hospitalization was the hardest time for our marriage. I wasn’t able to conceive in those six months and we were forced to stop trying as I was put back on my old regiment of lithium and Abilify. My husband also felt helpless, confused, and lonely during that time. He had never seen me psychotic before, but he stood by my side and helped me get through my hospitalization. It was very hard for him to see me like that.
Now, three years of marriage has gone by and we still want to somehow try again to have a baby. A part of me wants that more than anything. The other part is afraid of at what cost I am willing to endure.
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