Wait for it…

If life could get worse for me, it will.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but sex has never been very important to my husband. For the last 3.5 years we hadn’t had sex, but a few weeks back, that changed. My husband was finally in the mood after a 10 day trip away. Did I tell him no? Of course not. I was so excited and well, not thinking.

So, now I’m a week late. I’m going to take the pee-on-a-stick test tonight, but before I do. I wanted to write down my thoughts.

Do I want a baby? No. Yes. No. Oh hell no. Maybe. UGH!!!

Being bipolar, I am so afraid of causing my baby any health conditions. Birth defects can happen.

Plus, the stress I’m in right now. I can’t afford to go crazy when I’m pregnant. I’m so scared.

Why am I under stress? My previous employment is no more, so I have to find a job. We just sold our house and have to be out by the end of April, but we don’t have another house to move into yet. The club I’m in is adding more and more responsibility to me. I’m so busy and then I don’t get appreciated at our convention. Thanks!

To make matters worse, my best friend and sister has tried to commit suicide 3x in the past month. My heart screams thinking about it. I was gone her first try, but she just threw up all the pills and slept it off. The second time, I noticed her texts to me were unusual so I asked my other sister to check on her and we realized she lied to both of us and went off on her own. My sister got to her first and called the ambulance just in time. I lived an hour away and had no hope of getting to her in time. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital. Then a few days later, she made a good plan, but she decided to ask for help instead of carrying it out. Now she’s back in the hospital.

All this pain in losing my family company and almost losing my sister is crushing me because now I’m just waiting for the bomb to take me out.

Oh wait. Am I pregnant?


I started this blog four years ago! Yep, it’s been four years. Four years since my last psychotic episode that landed me in the hospital. Four years since in a manic frenzy I started this blog hoping to make a difference. Four years since my husband was truly educated as to what it would be like if I ever had another psychotic episode.

I wanted to centralize this blog on what it is like to be bipolar. I don’t know if I managed that. At times, I guess I do, but other times, I just mumble about what my life has been like at the time. A part of me thinks that that is my point. I’m what society would dub a normal mid-westerner, who happens to be bipolar. I think. LOL! My bipolar disorder has been (for the most part) under control since I went psychotic four years ago.

WTF! Who am I kidding! I’ve had my highs and my lows, but nothing too dramatic. I’m on a lower dive right now because I’m worried about my sister, but I was pretty high last Friday when I finished writing my first draft of my novel.

But who cares? Really? No one really reaches out to me on here and I don’t reach out to others either. (Stephanie–you cool!)

I don’t know what is wrong with me!

img_2103.jpgI wish I’d get an answer about whether I should reveal my name on here.

I’m going to explode. LOL! Just joking. I liked the picture and thought it represented my mood today.

Can’t F#*king Breathe

Falling…soaring…breathe just breathe. My emotions sing but I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed but I can’t shut down. Fear.  It leads me to move on.  To where? I don’t know. I have no plans for the future. More of the same I guess, but oh do I want to do so much, but my body prevents me from doing them.

My asthma claws at my throat, choking me. I wheeze as I write this to you. Reaching out to no one in particular since no one cares. I started this blog hoping to make a difference to help me and maybe others understand bipolar disorder. I obviously failed. Oh well.

I write to write. Chop off my arm first if you want me to stop. I know I suck, but read away.

I just want to sleep more. I came down to Florida to relax but I can’t sleep. Yesterday, we arrived. Hopefully, my moods level out. But I forgot my asthma inhaler in Illinois. I hope I can get another one.

Stay tuned…

Very Inspiring Blogger Award


Thank you Kevin from  http://voicesofglass.com/ for surprising me with the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” I am very honored.

The following are the rules for this award, so that everyone can understand what I’m doing with this post.

1. Display the Award Certificate on your website.

2. Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award.

3. Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers (I’m going to be working on that.)

4. Drop them a comment to tip them off after you’ve linked them in the post.

5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself.


Now since the rules are explained, I’m now going to give you 7 interesting things about me. (I hope.)

1. I was diagnosed as bipolar I with psychotic tendencies in 1999 due to the surprising onset of my first and, soon to follow, second psychotic episode.

2. I have only had 3 psychotic episodes.

First time: Dec. 1999 when I told my Oral Communications class off during finals and told them we needed to prepare for a racial war to hit U.S. soil. I thought I was God’s messenger.

Second time: Feb. 2000 when I wasn’t totally healed, tried to go back to college, and thought the television was talking to me

Third time: Sept. 2009 when I went off Lithium and Abilify to try to have a baby and only was on Lamictal during those six months. I convinced myself that I needed to become a martyr to help bipolar people in this world not have to suffer from Stigma anymore. Let’s just say that didn’t work. Never did get pregnant either. 😦

3. I’m a twin.

4. I taught high school English for three years.

5. I’m heavily involved in the Lions Club.

6. I love writing, but have never finished a book or published anything. This blog is as far as I’ve gotten.

7. Ummm…. I’m very close to my family. We mostly all work and own a company together.


Okay, so I hope these facts about me were interesting to you . Thank you Kevin for your support.

Best Wishes to all!



Am I a Psychopath?

crazy_freaky_deranged_weired_or_psychoticWhile writing my novel, I remembered that when I was first diagnosed as bipolar “with psychotic tendencies” that I thought I was a psychopath, which freaked me out even more. I never thought I had the capability of being the next Ted Bundy. It took time for me to figure the difference out on my own, which is ridiculous that I had to figure that out for myself. Even Outpatient Therapy did not explain to me the difference.

So, I’m going to help explain it here. I am also not going to just have you take my word for it, I’m going to link you to a very good article from Psychology Today that also talks about the differences.”Psychotic Is Not the Same as psychopathic” http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201103/psychotic-is-not-the-same-psychopathic

Thank you Scott Barry Kaufman, PH. D. for clarifying the difference so well in your article.

Synopsis of article: Psychotic–“mental state of losing touch with reality”; Psychopathy–“personality disorder” with the symptoms of “lack of empathy, impulsivity, recklessness, scrupulousness, callousness, and lying”

Even someone with psychotic tendencies needs to be reminded.

Those that know me would describe me as very empathetic. I cry whenever I hear someone else is feeling pain. I am very moralistic and have only had two sexual partners in my life. I have a very hard time lying to anyone and I know the difference between right and wrong on a daily basis, unless I can’t distinguish reality at times.

When that happened which I have slipped into a psychotic episode three times now, I thought I was God’s messenger, the television was talking to me, and that I had to martyr myself to help save other bipolar people from going through traumatic experiences like I did to get help.  All these episodes happened within a ten year span of times and only lasted a week at the most. I’m not psychotic all the time. I’m very normal most of the time.

I volunteer as a Lion and I use to be a high school English teacher. I’m an everyday person.

I’m certainly no Ted Bundy.



Scariest Thing in Life

Demi Lavato quote“One of the most scariest thing in life, is when you come to the realization that the only thing that can save you is yourself.” –Demi Lavato

When I found this motivational quote, I totally agreed with Demi Lavato. She’s right. You do have to work at life to be able to get out of bad situations on your own. No one can be your knight in shining armor. Only you can save yourself, but saving yourself can be so hard.

I’m bipolar with psychotic tendencies. I’ve been lucky to have found my meds cocktail quickly in 2000. However, I know so many who aren’t so lucky. To tell them that they have to save themselves might as well knock the chair out from under them. I agree with Demi, but for some people hope that someone will help them is the only thing they think they have left.

We as a society still need to help those that no longer think they can help themselves. We need to do more in psychiatry. We need more psychiatrists, councellors, and specialist. It is so hard to find mental health care providers that are not super busy to see you. It can take months to see your psychiatrist. That should not be allowed. There needs to be more hospital care and places to help people with mental illness. 1 out of 4 people has a mental illness. There should be at least 1 out of 4 centers specializing in only mental healthcare. We need help!


Can It Be Seen as a Gift or Just a Curse?

Well, I’ve been asked a very good question by Stephanie (mybipolarlife.com) in one of her blogs yesterday. It really made me think about how to answer her. I was glad someone noticed what I said and questioned me about it. She stated this in her blog:

                  “Thinking about part of a post Duals made and I quote, ‘I was tired of hiding my gifts and I think a part of me was still feeling grandiose when I believed writing this blog would really make a HUGE difference to MILLIONS of people world-wide, bipolar or not,’ it really made me think about the part where she said she was tired of hiding her gifts. Assuming she is referring to being bipolar as a gift…. is being bipolar a gift? If so, how? I have yet to see any gift in being it myself so far. Is there a gift in being bipolar? If so, I’d love to know so that I might have something to look forward to, cause right now the way I see it is nothing but pure evil and torture. Someone… humor me on this? Duals? Do I have a gift in store on down the road? Maybe I mistook what she was talking about ‘gifts’ so I am not for sure, so I am asking… that was just what I took from the post, so I may be way off.”

Stephanie made a good point. Can bipolar disorder be considered a gift? So, this is some of what I replied to her post…

“I do think in some ways being bipolar can be a gift. I don’t think you have ever read some of my earlier posts. I talked about it a lot when I was coming down from my psychotic phase in September 2009. The one about creative geniuses and the X-Men will clue you in. Have you ever read any Kay Redfield Jamison? She wrote a very good book called “Touched with Fire.” It’s an entire book analyzing bipolar disorder to historical and present creative geniuses of all time. She proves that great creative people like Van Gogh, Mary Shelley, Wordsworth, Blake, etc. ….all were bipolar. To me, I see it as a gift because it allows me to see a whole different perspective of this world than what a “normal” person can see. I FEEL everything more DEEPLY than any normal person can feel, which can be seen as a gift or a curse. It’s like looking at a glass of water…is it half empty or half full? Oh, you might also want to read my post “Why Did God Make Me Bipolar?” that explains my views too.”

I know many of you right now are probably thinking that I’m still being grandiose. Maybe I am, but when you know what it is like to be stable for a long time, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Read. There are many great books out there to help you understand bipolar disorder better and it will help you lead a more stable life. Hiding or ignoring it will not help. It will make it only worse.

Well, I have to stop. I just heard the worst news and I’m in tears now… 😦  Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I’m too upset to reread everything to clarify better.

“Gosh, Don’t Scare Me Like That!”

Well, I’m not tired right now and it’s midnight. Yuck! I think I drank too much caffeine today, but it probably was the panic I felt when I read Heather Whistler’s blog “Jumbling Towers” http://heatherwhistler.wordpress.com/about/. I panicked when I read that 90% of marriages fail when one of the partners are bipolar. Holy SH*T!!! I freaked before I actually read the article she posted along with that statistic, “Partners for Life: Beating the Bipolar Odds” by Michelle Roberts from BP Magazine http://bphope.com/Item.aspx/104/partners-for-life . The article was very informative and I suggest people read it!! Gosh, don’t scare me like that people! I think I was doing better before I knew that. Now, I’m freaking out! Wait…think of your husband and your relationship. Okay, I feel better. Few. The article gave good pointers that my husband and I already do and have done or survived through.

I’m calming down now, but I’m still wired. It makes me ponder on my relationship with my husband. Do I not appreciate him? Am I being selfish right now? Actually, I don’t think so. According to my therapist, I let my own self disappear behind my husband, my sisters, my brother, and my parents before I considered doing anything for me. However, now that I’m trying to step out of my cocoon with writing this book, my therapist tells me that I should start small like with short stories and poetry instead of writing a novel. Isn’t this blog starting small? Now I’m working up to something bigger. Besides, short stories and poetry don’t really cut it for me anymore. I did those back in high school and college.

Anyway, I want to write this novel. I’ve had the idea since 2007, but keep on letting people or my mood swings discourage me from writing it. I’ve gone through four different styles and I finally think I’ve found the right fit for me. Watch though. I go to publish it and I’m told the style is all wrong and needs to be rewritten. 😦    I hope not!!!

Well, I’m getting tired now…I hope. I’m going to try to sleep. Thanks for listening. 🙂


Dying to Help People

I’ve told you before that my psychiatrists and therapists have told me that even my bipolar disorder is abnormal because I maintain a certain level of control and awareness even when I’m psychotic. Well, now I understand it a lot better after reading a section in Hilary Smith’s “Welcome to the Jungle.”

In chapter two, she talks about insight during psychosis…”insight means the ability to recognize when your behavior and thought patterns are coming from your mental illness as opposed to your regular self.” There are three levels: totally unaware, in and out with knowing but still insisting you are right, and aware no one understands what you are experiencing.

Wow, now this is starting to make more sense to me. Near the beginning of my last manic to psychotic episode, I was reliving my past because I wanted to write a book about my experinces with bipolar disorder. Well, I was obviously hypomanic for a long time while I was going through a med change. I started seeing my therapist and busted out in tears when she asked me about my first hospitalization. I went through all the stages of grief again in her office, so at the end she explained I was most likely suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My first hospitalization was that horrible.

My hypomania was fueled when I delved into my research again about PTSD instead of just bipolar disorder. I stepped onto a rocket ship and watched myself soar. In less than a weeks time, I stopped being able to easily fall asleep and my sleep was heavily interrupted. I called my psychiatrist to tell her that I was having problems, but the immediate change of medication did not help. After one night of absolutely no sleep, I believed I had to subject myself to the hospitalization system again to overcome my PTSD.

Okay, so that sounds reasonable right? Well, the psychosis was setting in at an alarming rate because when my husband woke up that morning, I also felt I had to become a martyr, so that no one else with bipolar disorder ever had to go through the hell I went through when I was first diagnosed. I honestly thought I had to die to help people.

Because I was facing my fears of hospitalization, I literally could feel my control disappearing faster and faster. My speech and thought processes were so fast, people had a hard time understanding me. My adrenaline was pumping. Thank God for my husband because he literally had to translate what I was saying to the doctors because I was mixing my present situation with what happened to me when I was first diagnosed. My insight was still there as I tried to express my thoughts. I knew I needed help right away before it could get any worse.

Problem #1: What is this bullshit about not medicating me right away to knock me out so I could sleep? Sleep is the biggest help when you are suffering from a psychotic episode. The longer I was awake, the more restless, psychotic, detached, angry, nervous, paranoid, violent, etc. I became. I don’t give a damn that it takes so long to do the paper work, arrange for a bed, see your actual psychiatrist who will treat you while you are in the hospital. There is no excuse why I went until seven o’clock that night before they had to give me a large syringe of a sedative to put me out. My adrenaline and mania were at such an extreme level that the lights burned my eyes and the lightest touch felt like knives sticking into me. It didn’t make sense that I had to wait from seven that morning to seven that night to get the help I needed to sleep.

Well, I could tell you all the other problems I experienced this time around again, but in reality it was a lot better than the first time I was hospitalized. I learned a lot about myself and the disorder. I’m also learning a lot from Hilary’s book, so I’ll keep reading it and let you know. I suspect she might not have been hospitalized before though. She talks about hospitalization very negatively, which I don’t agree. I believe that the “theory” of it can be very important for some people to experience as long as the patient is open to the help. Before this last hospitalization, I would have never said that. Now, the pain I experienced in 1999 is healing because of going through the trauma all over again in 2009. Hospital procedures still have a long way to go before they treat us like humans though. We need to do something about that.

Please comment about your experiences.