Wait for it…

If life could get worse for me, it will.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but sex has never been very important to my husband. For the last 3.5 years we hadn’t had sex, but a few weeks back, that changed. My husband was finally in the mood after a 10 day trip away. Did I tell him no? Of course not. I was so excited and well, not thinking.

So, now I’m a week late. I’m going to take the pee-on-a-stick test tonight, but before I do. I wanted to write down my thoughts.

Do I want a baby? No. Yes. No. Oh hell no. Maybe. UGH!!!

Being bipolar, I am so afraid of causing my baby any health conditions. Birth defects can happen.

Plus, the stress I’m in right now. I can’t afford to go crazy when I’m pregnant. I’m so scared.

Why am I under stress? My previous employment is no more, so I have to find a job. We just sold our house and have to be out by the end of April, but we don’t have another house to move into yet. The club I’m in is adding more and more responsibility to me. I’m so busy and then I don’t get appreciated at our convention. Thanks!

To make matters worse, my best friend and sister has tried to commit suicide 3x in the past month. My heart screams thinking about it. I was gone her first try, but she just threw up all the pills and slept it off. The second time, I noticed her texts to me were unusual so I asked my other sister to check on her and we realized she lied to both of us and went off on her own. My sister got to her first and called the ambulance just in time. I lived an hour away and had no hope of getting to her in time. She spent 2 weeks in the hospital. Then a few days later, she made a good plan, but she decided to ask for help instead of carrying it out. Now she’s back in the hospital.

All this pain in losing my family company and almost losing my sister is crushing me because now I’m just waiting for the bomb to take me out.

Oh wait. Am I pregnant?

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Bipolar

I started this blog four years ago! Yep, it’s been four years. Four years since my last psychotic episode that landed me in the hospital. Four years since in a manic frenzy I started this blog hoping to make a difference. Four years since my husband was truly educated as to what it would be like if I ever had another psychotic episode.

I wanted to centralize this blog on what it is like to be bipolar. I don’t know if I managed that. At times, I guess I do, but other times, I just mumble about what my life has been like at the time. A part of me thinks that that is my point. I’m what society would dub a normal mid-westerner, who happens to be bipolar. I think. LOL! My bipolar disorder has been (for the most part) under control since I went psychotic four years ago.

WTF! Who am I kidding! I’ve had my highs and my lows, but nothing too dramatic. I’m on a lower dive right now because I’m worried about my sister, but I was pretty high last Friday when I finished writing my first draft of my novel.

But who cares? Really? No one really reaches out to me on here and I don’t reach out to others either. (Stephanie–you cool!)

I don’t know what is wrong with me!

img_2103.jpgI wish I’d get an answer about whether I should reveal my name on here.

I’m going to explode. LOL! Just joking. I liked the picture and thought it represented my mood today.

Can’t F#*king Breathe

Falling…soaring…breathe just breathe. My emotions sing but I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed but I can’t shut down. Fear.  It leads me to move on.  To where? I don’t know. I have no plans for the future. More of the same I guess, but oh do I want to do so much, but my body prevents me from doing them.

My asthma claws at my throat, choking me. I wheeze as I write this to you. Reaching out to no one in particular since no one cares. I started this blog hoping to make a difference to help me and maybe others understand bipolar disorder. I obviously failed. Oh well.

I write to write. Chop off my arm first if you want me to stop. I know I suck, but read away.

I just want to sleep more. I came down to Florida to relax but I can’t sleep. Yesterday, we arrived. Hopefully, my moods level out. But I forgot my asthma inhaler in Illinois. I hope I can get another one.

Stay tuned…

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

award-very-inspirational-bloggerWHOOHOO!

Thank you Kevin from  http://voicesofglass.com/ for surprising me with the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” I am very honored.

The following are the rules for this award, so that everyone can understand what I’m doing with this post.

1. Display the Award Certificate on your website.

2. Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award.

3. Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers (I’m going to be working on that.)

4. Drop them a comment to tip them off after you’ve linked them in the post.

5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

 

Now since the rules are explained, I’m now going to give you 7 interesting things about me. (I hope.)

1. I was diagnosed as bipolar I with psychotic tendencies in 1999 due to the surprising onset of my first and, soon to follow, second psychotic episode.

2. I have only had 3 psychotic episodes.

First time: Dec. 1999 when I told my Oral Communications class off during finals and told them we needed to prepare for a racial war to hit U.S. soil. I thought I was God’s messenger.

Second time: Feb. 2000 when I wasn’t totally healed, tried to go back to college, and thought the television was talking to me

Third time: Sept. 2009 when I went off Lithium and Abilify to try to have a baby and only was on Lamictal during those six months. I convinced myself that I needed to become a martyr to help bipolar people in this world not have to suffer from Stigma anymore. Let’s just say that didn’t work. Never did get pregnant either. 😦

3. I’m a twin.

4. I taught high school English for three years.

5. I’m heavily involved in the Lions Club.

6. I love writing, but have never finished a book or published anything. This blog is as far as I’ve gotten.

7. Ummm…. I’m very close to my family. We mostly all work and own a company together.

 

Okay, so I hope these facts about me were interesting to you . Thank you Kevin for your support.

Best Wishes to all!

Duals

 

Am I a Psychopath?

crazy_freaky_deranged_weired_or_psychoticWhile writing my novel, I remembered that when I was first diagnosed as bipolar “with psychotic tendencies” that I thought I was a psychopath, which freaked me out even more. I never thought I had the capability of being the next Ted Bundy. It took time for me to figure the difference out on my own, which is ridiculous that I had to figure that out for myself. Even Outpatient Therapy did not explain to me the difference.

So, I’m going to help explain it here. I am also not going to just have you take my word for it, I’m going to link you to a very good article from Psychology Today that also talks about the differences.”Psychotic Is Not the Same as psychopathic” http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201103/psychotic-is-not-the-same-psychopathic

Thank you Scott Barry Kaufman, PH. D. for clarifying the difference so well in your article.

Synopsis of article: Psychotic–“mental state of losing touch with reality”; Psychopathy–“personality disorder” with the symptoms of “lack of empathy, impulsivity, recklessness, scrupulousness, callousness, and lying”

Even someone with psychotic tendencies needs to be reminded.

Those that know me would describe me as very empathetic. I cry whenever I hear someone else is feeling pain. I am very moralistic and have only had two sexual partners in my life. I have a very hard time lying to anyone and I know the difference between right and wrong on a daily basis, unless I can’t distinguish reality at times.

When that happened which I have slipped into a psychotic episode three times now, I thought I was God’s messenger, the television was talking to me, and that I had to martyr myself to help save other bipolar people from going through traumatic experiences like I did to get help.  All these episodes happened within a ten year span of times and only lasted a week at the most. I’m not psychotic all the time. I’m very normal most of the time.

I volunteer as a Lion and I use to be a high school English teacher. I’m an everyday person.

I’m certainly no Ted Bundy.

TTYL 🙂

Duals

Scariest Thing in Life

Demi Lavato quote“One of the most scariest thing in life, is when you come to the realization that the only thing that can save you is yourself.” –Demi Lavato

When I found this motivational quote, I totally agreed with Demi Lavato. She’s right. You do have to work at life to be able to get out of bad situations on your own. No one can be your knight in shining armor. Only you can save yourself, but saving yourself can be so hard.

I’m bipolar with psychotic tendencies. I’ve been lucky to have found my meds cocktail quickly in 2000. However, I know so many who aren’t so lucky. To tell them that they have to save themselves might as well knock the chair out from under them. I agree with Demi, but for some people hope that someone will help them is the only thing they think they have left.

We as a society still need to help those that no longer think they can help themselves. We need to do more in psychiatry. We need more psychiatrists, councellors, and specialist. It is so hard to find mental health care providers that are not super busy to see you. It can take months to see your psychiatrist. That should not be allowed. There needs to be more hospital care and places to help people with mental illness. 1 out of 4 people has a mental illness. There should be at least 1 out of 4 centers specializing in only mental healthcare. We need help!