Change Can Be Scary!

Well, I’m doing something I told myself I wouldn’t do again…I’m working for my parents again.  DAMN!!!

I couldn’t find another job and when my dad ordered me to show up next week during our family gathering on Christmas day, I couldn’t say no. I had no excuse! I couldn’t say “No, I don’t want to.” Besides, I can’t help wanting to help the company get better in some ways. However, me being here really doesn’t make much difference. I still have to do everything my Dad tells me to do even when I know his managerial skills suck and might hurt the bottom line rather than help it. You see, he’s a micromanager who has to control everything even when he’s not here. It really pisses me off.

Everyone tells me that working for family is an absolute no, no. Yeah. You tell that to my father. I’ve worked for him ever since I was 13 years old in one way or another. From being in the shop with the guys drilling sheet metal to being in the office designing literature for potential customers…oh, and I can build a control panel in less time than anyone else can do it. I’m literally the Jack of all trades here, so that is why I’m dragged back and that is why I can’t seem to say no. I know I’m needed.

Besides change can be very scary.

The only other job I’ve had was as a teacher for 3 years and that was HELL! I’ve got PTSD from working as a teacher! Can you F#*k’n believe that! It wasn’t the teaching that did it, it was the treatment I recieved from the administration. Holy hell! That is why I hate the question, “Do you think you would ever go back to teaching?”  HELL NO! My last year, I would always feel dread when I woke up in the morning because I would always wonder if it would be the day I would get fired. My second year was heaven, that is why when the new administration came in my third year, I knew things were not handled properly.

My therapist thinks that just starting a new job might not be good for me either. I don’t know what to do. I feel like the cowardly lion saying, “Trapped. Trapped like rats…”

What do I do? HELP ME PLEASE!

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I DON’T KNOW!

I saw my therapist yesterday and she told me to stop worrying about other people and start worrying about myself. She’s trying to get me to become more egocentric, I think. Well, I’m not that way. I’d rather worry about other people rather than myself. She also told me that it is time that I seriously do something about my career path. She suggested going back to school and getting my masters in social work. Hmmm, maybe. I’ve done a lot of research on bipolar disorder and it is my passion to want to help others like me, but social work? I don’t know much about the various fields under psychology, so maybe that is what I should do first. See which field would suit me better.

I tried to talk to my husband about this, but he refused to say anything. He said that it is up to me and that he didn’t want to get involved like everyone else does because then it wouldn’t be my decision. Ugh!  I’d like his opinion though! I realize that I need to make this decision on my own. Yuck!

I wanted to originally go back to school for communications design, but there isn’t many schools that offer it and those that do are VERY expensive. 😦  So here’s another option…social worker.  Could I handle that job? I can see myself falling into a huge trap with that though. I tend to internalize everyone else’s problems. How can I make that a job without ruining myself? How can I learn to step away from the situation and say “it’s just a job?” I can’t. I couldn’t when I was teaching and that broke me. I couldn’t stand watching how bad the students had it and that I couldn’t do anything to help them. As a social worker, it is my job to help them…but what do I do when I can’t?  Plus, will being bipolar cause a problem with that job? I’ll still have my mood swings to worry about.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!   I want to write to Kay Redfield Jamison more than anything right now. She works in the psychology field and she is bipolar. But the likelihood she would ever respond is very low. Why would she care? UGH!!! How do you make such an important decision about school and a career when even your own husband won’t help you?

Today, I have to create a newsletter and I have to wrap xmas presents. FUN, FUN, FUN!!! I’ll think about all this more.

Any possible suggestions of careers I should also add to my list? I really do need to do something NOW!

Last Week was a Nightmare!

Friday, December 17th, at 4pm

I’m writing this post on paper right now because I’m on the airplane and I’m bored out of my mind. I’ll type and post it later.

This has been a nightmarish week for us!

My aunt, my mom, my younger sister, and I arrived late Monday night to take care of the arrangements for my grandmother’s burial and to say our final goodbyes. What we didn’t expect, even though we should have, was the fact that there was no planning done ahead of time. Even with grandmother’s assurance that we probably wouldn’t even have to come to Florida once she passed away, we were in for a rude wake up call Tuesday morning.

The assisted living community, the funeral home, and the bank all needed my aunt and my mother present. Of course, I was the only one who could drive the rental car. 😦  Plus we had to clean out our grandmother’s entire apartment by the time we left mainly because we didn’t want to have to make another trip before Jan. 11th.

So, the four of us worked nonstop Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday stuffing 30 bags with clothes and shoes to donate to various charities. Arrange for the furniture to go to Salvation Army. Other objects we donated to a couple who works with a flee market. Plus, went through about 50 pounds of cosmetic jewelry to also donate what we didn’t want to take back with us.  I learned that I seriously need to be less of a pack rat than my grandmother and to clean out my pockets!  We had to check every pocket for change, cough drops, and kleenex. It took forever! Plus, we had to arrange a memorial service and burial arrangements. I even had to speak in front of 27 people about my grandmother because they wanted to hear from a grandchild’s perspective about her. (I was shocked that I wasn’t nervous. I was just bawling my eyes out.)

I also was able to spend a lot more time with my aunt. I shared a room with her. I couldn’t sleep very well because she couldn’t sleep well at all either. She kept getting up to go to the bathroom, she talked in her sleep, plus she would wake up at 6am even when we wouldn’t go to sleep until 1am! I was lucky to get 2-3 hours of straight sleep a night.

So, instead of mourning the death of my grandmother, I’ve been on one hell of an emotional roller coaster! I’m shocked I haven’t gone manic! Thank you psych meds! But if I don’t get a good night’s sleep soon, I sure will be.

Right now I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I’m irritable and I can’t wait to get away from my aunt. She really upset me when she started telling me that bipolar disorder is just some “quack’s” opinion. Oh really?! She backed that up with the fact that you can’t take a test to positively tell you you are or not. I told her there was a list of criteria, but she said that was still opinion.

Ugh! I was totally pissed! I told her they found proof in our DNA and a test is on the way…(Note: I’m not sure about the test, but I have seen proof about the DNA. Look it up.) I then retaliated about it being very upsetting to me that people in our family do not understand bipolar disorder when bipolar disorder and mental illness is definitely in the family for generations. Heck. Two of my cousins are also definitely bipolar…which she doesn’t believe because they always lie…Ugh! She said that she does understand bipolar disorder, so she doesn’t need to read up about it. BULL SHIT!!! She also implied that I should not spend my time obsessing about it (bipolar disorder), but she can’t stop talking about religion and believing in forgiveness and God’s love. Talk about obsessive.

Ugh! I’m still stewing. I’m sitting on the plane right now and I can’t stop thinking about how pissed I am at my aunt. I know I’m being ridiculous, but her “Holier-than-Thou” attitude pisses me off. It really infuriates me that she doesn’t acknowledge bipolar disorder really being in the family gene pool, but she totally believes in the Bible as fact. Isn’t it really a matter of opinion how someone believes? I’m sorry but to me you can believe, but it is not a fundamental truth either. Don’t miss understand me. I believe in God, but I know there is no proof like a clear “test” in whether the Bible that we read today is actually exactly how God intended it to be thousands of years ago.

I’m just pissed off and yes this is all my opinion! I don’t mean to offend anyone here. I’m just writing and writing because I have nothing else to do on this plane. I can’t sleep, so if I bored you with this post, I’m sorry but you’re still reading if you’ve gotten to this point so I guess that’s good.

Saturday, Dec. 18th, 9am

I’m home now and typing all this out for you. After a good night’s sleep, I feel better, but I’m still simmering about it. I guess I just shouldn’t care. My aunt can believe what she wants to believe, but I guess it just hurts. I recall now that everyone that is “crazy” is bipolar in her eyes now. I don’t think I helped the situation. I probably made it worse. Ugh!!!

So what do you think? Is bipolar just some “quack’s” opinion?

Duals

Can It Be Seen as a Gift or Just a Curse?

Well, I’ve been asked a very good question by Stephanie (mybipolarlife.com) in one of her blogs yesterday. It really made me think about how to answer her. I was glad someone noticed what I said and questioned me about it. She stated this in her blog:

                  “Thinking about part of a post Duals made and I quote, ‘I was tired of hiding my gifts and I think a part of me was still feeling grandiose when I believed writing this blog would really make a HUGE difference to MILLIONS of people world-wide, bipolar or not,’ it really made me think about the part where she said she was tired of hiding her gifts. Assuming she is referring to being bipolar as a gift…. is being bipolar a gift? If so, how? I have yet to see any gift in being it myself so far. Is there a gift in being bipolar? If so, I’d love to know so that I might have something to look forward to, cause right now the way I see it is nothing but pure evil and torture. Someone… humor me on this? Duals? Do I have a gift in store on down the road? Maybe I mistook what she was talking about ‘gifts’ so I am not for sure, so I am asking… that was just what I took from the post, so I may be way off.”

Stephanie made a good point. Can bipolar disorder be considered a gift? So, this is some of what I replied to her post…

“I do think in some ways being bipolar can be a gift. I don’t think you have ever read some of my earlier posts. I talked about it a lot when I was coming down from my psychotic phase in September 2009. The one about creative geniuses and the X-Men will clue you in. Have you ever read any Kay Redfield Jamison? She wrote a very good book called “Touched with Fire.” It’s an entire book analyzing bipolar disorder to historical and present creative geniuses of all time. She proves that great creative people like Van Gogh, Mary Shelley, Wordsworth, Blake, etc. ….all were bipolar. To me, I see it as a gift because it allows me to see a whole different perspective of this world than what a “normal” person can see. I FEEL everything more DEEPLY than any normal person can feel, which can be seen as a gift or a curse. It’s like looking at a glass of water…is it half empty or half full? Oh, you might also want to read my post “Why Did God Make Me Bipolar?” that explains my views too.”

I know many of you right now are probably thinking that I’m still being grandiose. Maybe I am, but when you know what it is like to be stable for a long time, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Read. There are many great books out there to help you understand bipolar disorder better and it will help you lead a more stable life. Hiding or ignoring it will not help. It will make it only worse.

Well, I have to stop. I just heard the worst news and I’m in tears now… 😦  Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I’m too upset to reread everything to clarify better.

My Freaky Self

So, I ended up waking up early again this morning, but I did manage seven hours of sleep. 🙂 It’s early in my definition because it’s SATURDAY!! The day that everyone sleeps in if they can. 😦   When I woke up, I started to compose in my head how I wanted to write my letter to Kay Redfield Jamison, but I realized that my blog seemed to lack something that was very important. I didn’t really clearly define my purpose for this blog, so I got up and started writing. So, now you have a new page and a new blog to read this weekend. Like I didn’t have enough to do! I really need to step away from this computer and the the vast amount of work I have, but I just love writing. 🙂  Right now, I’m enjoying a nice hot cup of cinnamon tea while the white snow outside glows from the dawn, which is lighting my cozy office. Hmmm. Can it get much better than this? 🙂

Now, when you read the page… Please ask me questions!! I’m sure I need to explain further or maybe you want to know why I came to those conclusions? Or maybe you don’t care, but whatever…comment. I don’t bite!! Well, only because I can’t physically bite you. This is over the internet, remember. 🙂  LOL! I also promise I won’t yell at you either. “Come one, come all…step right up.”  Oh great! Now I sound like you should expect a freak show like the circus. DON”T! I’m not a freak. Well, maybe I am, but so what…I’m proud of being my freaky self. 🙂  Okay, this blog isn’t much like me. I think I’m slap happy again today. HYPOMANIC anyone?  🙂

I better go…Christmas cards to write, so little time. 🙂

Duals

“This is what you get when I can’t sleep…”

Well, it’s 2:30 am and I’m up again. I went to sleep at 10:30 pm, but something woke me up about an hour ago. Now I can’t get back to sleep. 😦  I decided to use my computer hoping I don’t wake my husband up with this light at least. I hate waking him up in the middle of the night. I always feel so guilty. So, now what do I do?

I recently started reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s book Night Falls Fast but the topic of suicide right now just doesn’t enthrall me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jamison. She is a beautiful writer. I only wish I was half as poetic with my words as she is. It is like she analyzes each sentence to pick out the very best word to describe how she is feeling or to make the most dramatic impact. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is rated one of the best writers of our time 50 years from now. She really is a “creative genius.”

 Hey steph, (http://mybipolarlife.com) I think Jamison is the writer I most would like to write to, just like you wrote to Terri Cheney. I guess I don’t because, well, I’m sure she is too busy to talk to someone like me. 😦  I don’t want the disappointment of no acknowledgement.

Anyway, enough with the sob little old me…well I guess I still can’t stop.  I’m thinking of my book right now. I’m trapped in a chapter where I have to devolop a character who is very depressed right now. I’m scared to. I’m afraid I’ll literally fall into a depression if I do. Hence, the reason I was trying to read Jamison’s book on suicide to fall into character, but I’m also afraid the book would influence me to the point where the depression in my book isn’t authentic to me. I stopped reading after the first chapter, but I’m stuck. I probably just told you too much about the novel I’m writing…but on second thought, if you didn’t know already that depression, mania, psychosis…bipolar disorder…wasn’t a main theme in it, then you really haven’t been reading this blog. 🙂  It’s not a memoir. I wanted to do something a little different…well, try it anyway. Knowing me, I’ll never finish it, but I’m a third of the way done with the rough draft.

Hey, to the writers out there…how hard is it to publish? What should the manuscript look like (margins, heading…) I read Janet Evanovich’s “How I Write,” should I go with her suggestions? I’ve read about 5 books on publishing and they all say different things. UGH!! It pisses me off to no end. At least I have time to write right now, but I am going stir crazy because I feel so lonely when I’m not chatting with people on the computer. I feel like my husband’s company isn’t cutting it right now. Probably because all he wants to do is play video games when he’s not at work. 😦

Another think that is on my mind is the success of this blog. I’ve been writing here for a year now, but I barely feel accepted in the bipolar community. I know you accept me Stephanie, but not many people comment and I barely get over twenty hits a day. So, what am I doing wrong? Should I learn to develop my own website? If I do, it will take away from the time I need for writing my novel because I don’t know crap about code and writing a website. I know when I publish I will do just that, but now…I’m I being rediculous? I feel like I am. I suck. Maybe I should start writing that chapter, I think I’m falling into depression again the more I think about my blog and how much I suck.

Oh, Stephanie also brought up a good point. I might be isolating this blog away from those of you that are not bipolar. I hope not!!! I want you to comment. Tell me what you think about bipolar people and the questions you may have about me. I can only give you my opinion and my experience, but I welcome you to read and comment. This blog is NOT just for bipolar people. 🙂

Duals