Groggy

Okay. I finally wised up and took 3mg of Melatonin last night. Um, I still managed to wake up at 1:30am but fell back asleep soon after. Then woke up this morning by my alarm and was like…”WTF! I can’t get up.” I was so groggy. I’m still feeling the affects two hours after I woke up.  Why the hell do I want to take that shit? I hate this lethargic feeling. I might as well be taking Seroquil…now that pill knocks you the fuck out.

Ugh! I want to wake up enough to work on my book, but my head is in a fog. I just want to crawl into a ball on the floor and sleep. I think I’ll take manic for 200, Alex. I hate this rundown feeling.

So, how are you doing today? If your reading this and have a blog to share, let me know about it. I’d love to read more blogs. Please comment about yourself and send me a link. Thanks!

Duals

Are You Ready to Rumble?

Yesterday, I worked on my book. I love writing. I can’t wait to clean up the one I’m working on now and move on to my next project.

[Sigh] That is how I know I’m dangerously close to mania. Maybe even psychotic…soon. I just received my blood workup for my psychiatrist. My vitamin D is very low, my lithium level is low, my WBC is high and my red blood cells are low and I’m anemic. That sounds about right. I should be spiraling into depression, but when I feel like crap…that is when my mania comes out.

But I do feel like crap. Maybe I’ll become suicidal…I doubt that though. I’m too excited about my book.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I was told to start taking Melatonin for that. Does anyone like/hate taking that?

Anyway, I wake up at 4am and want to write, so I stay up for an hour then go back to sleep. Is that bad?

I feel confused and exhausted…but excited and happy. Boy…I’m the definition of Bipolar. LOL

Maybe my depression symptoms are fighting my manic symptoms so that is why I’m still considered stable to those around me?

Man, I need more sleep!

Duals

Looking for Some Help

As I work on my novel, I think back to a lot of what happened to me with my bipolar disorder psychotic episodes. I realize that I wasn’t like many bipolar people then and now. I wonder why. I’m writing the first section of my book like a memoir and those that are reading it are surprised by her psychotic tendencies and say that that isn’t bipolar disorder, that is something else. That surprised me.

Why?

I opened up about my bipolar disorder to my Writer’s group, but I realize that I am not portraying a wide variety of those that are bipolar in my book. I’m centered only on my reactions and my experiences. My group and many people who get to know me tell me that I “don’t act bipolar.” What do they mean by that? How am I suppose to act? That irritates me. How would they know?

Do bipolar people have such a bad reputation that people expect us to be flying off our seats or crying in the corner ALL the time?

Fuck that!

One thing that my first psychiatrist told me is that I am unusual because I have a very high IQ for empathy. I ignored what he meant by that, but now I’m wondering. How does that make me different? Am I different? Or just damn lucky I found the right medicine cocktail right off the bat.

However, I’m worried. I have never had my kidneys tested, I think. My sister who is also bipolar just did and her kidney functions are low. It could be caused from the lithium, but it mostly is the fact that she has been popping anti-inflammatory like they were candy. But still, I’ve been on lithium ten years longer than she has. What if….

I don’t want to even think about it right now. Scary Thought!

So, I would love to hear from others if you can identify from my post how I am different. I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m not dramatic enough at times, but too extreme other times.

Looking for some help in understanding.

Thanks, Duals

 

Getting Out from Under

Hello Everyone,

A new year should mean resolutions. Well, I don’t believe in resolutions. You should always strive to be a better person all year round, not just at the beginning of the year.

I’m so irritated though with work and that service club I am in, but I won’t get into that.

On my spare time, I’ve been writing a Romantic Thriller. I’m so absorbed into that world that I’d rather not live in my own right now. I started a Writer’s Circle lately that is going really well. Great people and advise is making the second draft practically write itself. 🙂 Okay, I’m exaggerating.

Because of some of the responses I get from those in my Writer’s Circle on my critiques of their work, I’m thinking of taking some courses and getting certified to be a freelance editor. I know. Those in the business are reading this blog and thinking…too many editorial no-nos already in just this post. I know. But this is just a conversational blog. I didn’t write this thinking I had to put on a formal writing facade. So…don’t judge this as to how I often write.

Does anyone have any pointers or horror stories to share about the business. I know what it is like to run your own company, so I’m not worried about that side of the business.

I want to get out from under my parents and do something for me.

Well, I’m sure this is just a one way conversation with myself anyway. I’m not on here like I use to be. I guess blogging didn’t work out for me the way I thought it would.

Duals

Bipolar

I started this blog four years ago! Yep, it’s been four years. Four years since my last psychotic episode that landed me in the hospital. Four years since in a manic frenzy I started this blog hoping to make a difference. Four years since my husband was truly educated as to what it would be like if I ever had another psychotic episode.

I wanted to centralize this blog on what it is like to be bipolar. I don’t know if I managed that. At times, I guess I do, but other times, I just mumble about what my life has been like at the time. A part of me thinks that that is my point. I’m what society would dub a normal mid-westerner, who happens to be bipolar. I think. LOL! My bipolar disorder has been (for the most part) under control since I went psychotic four years ago.

WTF! Who am I kidding! I’ve had my highs and my lows, but nothing too dramatic. I’m on a lower dive right now because I’m worried about my sister, but I was pretty high last Friday when I finished writing my first draft of my novel.

But who cares? Really? No one really reaches out to me on here and I don’t reach out to others either. (Stephanie–you cool!)

I don’t know what is wrong with me!

I wish I’d get an answer about whether I should reveal my name on here.

I’m going to explode. LOL! Just joking. I liked the picture and thought it represented my mood today.

Who I Am…

“To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person that you are” –Anonymous. I love this quote because it really reminds me of …well, me.

“When I grow up, I’m going to be a …” is a phrase I said a lot as a little girl. I wanted to be  Wonder Woman or Bat Girl, then a lawyer, a writer, a painter, a writer, a writer, a writer; but teaching never was something I aspired to do until I was forced to by my parents because of our new awareness of my bipolar disorder. (What kind of idiot would think teaching is a “stable” choice and a good choice as a career for me? The emotional roller coaster as a teacher I experienced slammed me into mode swings that were hard to conceal from everyone. Talk about pretending to be someone that you are not!)

I gave up my writing for nine years because I agreed with my parents that writing was a trigger for my mania and psychotic tendencies. But now, I don’t care if it is anymore. I want to write but I never knew what to write, so I started this blog in 2009 to help guide me. Now, I’m writing again and I’m taking a class right now that will hopefully help me finish at least one of my writing projects.

My next goal is to get published…once I finish writing a novel. HEHEHE 🙂

Maybe I should leave that my all encompassing goal right now. I think the novel is coming along nicely though. One question for you…is it bad to write a novel closely based on your own life? It’s almost a memoir, but I fictionalized dialogue, names, and some scenes. Is that a good idea? PLEASE COMMENT. I’d like to know what you think.

Hanging In There

Well, things sure don’t work out how you planned it all to happen. I was once very happy about how work seemed to be picking up, but then things fell through. 😦  Now I’m left wondering what will happen next. I haven’t been a praying person for a long time, but I’m actually praying now. I’m really worried.

I’m taking a writing course online and it is going really well. I love it! I’ve been writing a lot preparing for this novel. I’m literally devouring the lessons as soon as they’re posted. They can’t come fast enough for me. I think I’m going to annoy the professor and classmates pretty soon. LOL!

Well, I’m hanging in there when it comes to my moods. I think I’m pretty stable. I’m getting plenty of sleep and I’m not gloom and doom. My bipolar tendencies are pretty dormant right now. HEHEHE…I think my writing class would say otherwise though.

I joined a book club and we are reading an interesting and boring book. Weird, I didn’t think that was possible. I think it just depends on my mood when I open it up. I read some last night, but should have known I was too tired. I fell asleep after a few pages. I think my problem is is that I really prefer fiction to nonfiction.

I also joined a writers circle, but they never meet and its 45min from my house. I’m thinking of starting one of my own. What do you think? Is that a good idea?

I’m also really involved in the Lions club still. I think I’m putting too many things on my plate. Hmmm….

After reading this over, I’m wondering how stable I really am. Oops!

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

WHOOHOO!

Thank you Kevin from  http://voicesofglass.com/ for surprising me with the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” I am very honored.

The following are the rules for this award, so that everyone can understand what I’m doing with this post.

1. Display the Award Certificate on your website.

2. Announce your win with a post and link to whoever presented your award.

3. Present 15 awards to deserving bloggers (I’m going to be working on that.)

4. Drop them a comment to tip them off after you’ve linked them in the post.

5. Post 7 interesting things about yourself.

 

Now since the rules are explained, I’m now going to give you 7 interesting things about me. (I hope.)

1. I was diagnosed as bipolar I with psychotic tendencies in 1999 due to the surprising onset of my first and, soon to follow, second psychotic episode.

2. I have only had 3 psychotic episodes.

First time: Dec. 1999 when I told my Oral Communications class off during finals and told them we needed to prepare for a racial war to hit U.S. soil. I thought I was God’s messenger.

Second time: Feb. 2000 when I wasn’t totally healed, tried to go back to college, and thought the television was talking to me

Third time: Sept. 2009 when I went off Lithium and Abilify to try to have a baby and only was on Lamictal during those six months. I convinced myself that I needed to become a martyr to help bipolar people in this world not have to suffer from Stigma anymore. Let’s just say that didn’t work. Never did get pregnant either. 😦

3. I’m a twin.

4. I taught high school English for three years.

5. I’m heavily involved in the Lions Club.

6. I love writing, but have never finished a book or published anything. This blog is as far as I’ve gotten.

7. Ummm…. I’m very close to my family. We mostly all work and own a company together.

 

Okay, so I hope these facts about me were interesting to you . Thank you Kevin for your support.

Best Wishes to all!

Duals

 

My Happy Life

I often tell my younger sister that she needs to find a goal in life. She lives for other people, instead of herself. It saddens me.

But am I much different? Do I have a goal in life?

Since third grade, I wanted to become a writer. I wanted to be a famous author like Dr. Seuss or Jane Austen and Edgar Allen Poe. I teetered with the idea of becoming a lawyer in high school, but I always wanted to be a writer. I spent my first year of college trying to absorb as much information about writing as I could, but when my first psychotic episode occured, my dad put his foot down. I had to choose a “stable” career. He chose English teacher for me.

Stable? Hahahahahahahahahaha! That was as stable as I am without my meds. I gave up writing and was convinced by my psychiatrists and family that writing was one of my triggers. In 2007, I returned to writing after being away from it for eight years. Boy, was I rusty! I’m slowly getting better. In 2009, I went through another psychotic episode. Any connection? I don’t know.

Writing and getting published are my goals once again, but will I accomplish my goals?

We will see.

But one thing I know, psychotic episodes are just another obsticle that I may have to go through to achieve “my happy life.”

Duals

Am I a Psychopath?

While writing my novel, I remembered that when I was first diagnosed as bipolar “with psychotic tendencies” that I thought I was a psychopath, which freaked me out even more. I never thought I had the capability of being the next Ted Bundy. It took time for me to figure the difference out on my own, which is ridiculous that I had to figure that out for myself. Even Outpatient Therapy did not explain to me the difference.

So, I’m going to help explain it here. I am also not going to just have you take my word for it, I’m going to link you to a very good article from Psychology Today that also talks about the differences.”Psychotic Is Not the Same as psychopathic” http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201103/psychotic-is-not-the-same-psychopathic

Thank you Scott Barry Kaufman, PH. D. for clarifying the difference so well in your article.

Synopsis of article: Psychotic–“mental state of losing touch with reality”; Psychopathy–“personality disorder” with the symptoms of “lack of empathy, impulsivity, recklessness, scrupulousness, callousness, and lying”

Even someone with psychotic tendencies needs to be reminded.

Those that know me would describe me as very empathetic. I cry whenever I hear someone else is feeling pain. I am very moralistic and have only had two sexual partners in my life. I have a very hard time lying to anyone and I know the difference between right and wrong on a daily basis, unless I can’t distinguish reality at times.

When that happened which I have slipped into a psychotic episode three times now, I thought I was God’s messenger, the television was talking to me, and that I had to martyr myself to help save other bipolar people from going through traumatic experiences like I did to get help.  All these episodes happened within a ten year span of times and only lasted a week at the most. I’m not psychotic all the time. I’m very normal most of the time.

I volunteer as a Lion and I use to be a high school English teacher. I’m an everyday person.

I’m certainly no Ted Bundy.

TTYL 🙂

Duals